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results_RAG_test_rec_on_topic

Dataset card Data Studio Files
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1
At a testimonial dinner in his honor A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire all your accomplishments. Tell me, after all these years, do you still remember what you carried in the brown paper bag?" "Sure, son," he said. "I had $500,000 in cash and $1,000,000 in negotiable securities."
7.433415
1
(NSFW)A little boy spotted two dogs having sex. "Dad, dad! What are they doing!?" "Well son, they are making a puppy." Later that night the boy walked in on his parents having sex. "Dad, dad! What are you doing?" "We're making a baby!" "Turn her over dad, I want a puppy!"
1.346007
1
A photon walks into a hotel The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?" Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"
-6.473148
1
I finally lost it with the hoarding! Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves...”
6.310127
1
An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars. Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars" Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?" Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit." Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a million dollars you are probably right." The bank assistant calls for the director, and after explaining the situation the bank director arrives. Bank director: "So my assistant tells me you want to deposit one million dollars. May I ask how you came in possession of one million dollars?" Old lady: "Naturally. I earned them by betting. I actually make a living from betting!" Bank director: "I find that hard to believe. Want kind of betting do you do?" Old lady: "All sorts of betting. As an example I'll bet you 25,000$ that your balls are squared." Bank director: "Umm... I don't... Umm.. Well. Under normal circumstances I don't bet but this seems so absurd that I'll agree." So the bank director and the old lady shake hand and the director asks how and when this bet should be settled. Old lady: "Well considering that this is a bet of 25,000$ I'd like my lawyer to be present and when I do the inspection. So how about we meet with my lawyer tomorrow morning?" The bank director agrees to this, happy to have earned 25,000$ this easy. Next morning he walks into the office of the locally well respected lawyer and greets the old lady. Not wanting to waste his time, he unbuttons his pants, pulls down his underwear and as the old lady lifts his balls up for inspection he notices the lawyer banging his head against the wall repeatedly. Quite startled the bank director looks at the old lady and asks Bank director: "What is going on with your lawyer?!" Old lady(grinning) : "Oh well. Yesterday I bet him a million dollars that within 24 hours I would be holding the balls of the managing bank director in my very hand..."
5.3397
2
A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's: Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.
6.517706
2
What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"
4.307367
2
A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days. "I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said. "Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America." "No one does. That's how it survives."
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Wife: You’re shirtless? Me: Yes Wife: And also covered in ... oil? Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? Wife: Listen! You never listen! Me: Ohh
5.562216
2
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison... ...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?' The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...' The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.
6.888214
3
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer." The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer." Frustrated, the bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "You guys should know your limits."
-5.090817
3
A man goes to the bathroom and sees a midget at one of the urinals A man walks into a bathroom and sees a midget at the urinals. He walks over to him and starts pissing in the neighboring urinal. Out of curiosity, he looks over to him and realizes the midget has the biggest dick he has ever seen. After a while, he says, "Um... hey, I'm not gay or anything, but how did a small guy like you get such a massive dick?" The midget replies with "It's because I'm a leprechaun. I wished it for myself." "Well, could I have one like that too?" asks the man. "Sure thing!" says the leprechaun. "But, it will cost you." "How much though?" asks the man. "I already own a pot of gold, I dont need more money! You have to let me fuck you up the ass!" The man thinks about it for a few moments. "I guess I could take it for a dick that big." The man pulls his pants down and gets on the ground. The leprechaun thrusts in and starts pushing and asks the man for his name. "M-My name is Jeff!" he stutters. "I see, how old are you?" he asks. "Th-thirty!" "Now, ain't that a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
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3
A father says to his son: Son, you're adopted Son asks in shock: Who is my real dad? Father: Me, but your new parents are coming in thirty minutes, so pack your stuff
-8.407496
3
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car. Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray. Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened. Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack. Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains. Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets. Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
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3
So, there are two men. They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria. Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house! And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours." "How can that be? We both live next to each other!" "Yes" "Our houses were built identically, with the same materials." "True." "So how can it be, Ahmad?" "Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a refugee!"
-4.570182
4
Me: Doctor, you've gotta help me! I'm addicted to Social Media. Doctor: I don't follow you.
-5.222973
4
I am a fried nut A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied up and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
-6.097457
4
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon. It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
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4
I was in a public restroom in Palm Springs recently and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall He said "Hi! How's it going?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to tonight?". A little afraid and a little irritated, I said "Sitting here, same as you!" He said, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said "Rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back. There's an idiot next door answering all my questions."
-2.386508
4
There was a knock at my door. I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana. I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way." "Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?" I said, "Because you might find the cocaine."
-0.848849
5
German lorry driver sat in Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are... He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days. Drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!' German man, gives a sarcastic laugh and replies 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?' Old fella replies 'a fucking Lancaster Bomber!!'
3.589928
5
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality... The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.
3.729875
5
My six year old son caught me masturbating this morning He said, "What are you doing daddy?" "It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why, daddy?" he asked. "Because my arm is fucking killing me."
2.884575
5
My Son Kerry and Puppies So I was walking down the street with my son kerry and we seen a couple of dogs having sex. My son being young and all says "dad what are they doing" I say "they making puppies son" "like that?" "yeah right from behind son. Anyway a few days later kerry walks in on me and the wife having sex and goes "dad what are yous doing?" I say "we making your little brother son" He says "turn the bitch over, id rather have puppies"
3.576105
5
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a lot Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your wife
0.803214
6
*Pollen accidentally enters body* Immune system: What the hell is that? Pollen: Oh hey. Sorry. We got a bit lost. The wind kinda bl- Immune system: OH GOD WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! Pollen: What?! No! We just got lo- Immune system: OPEN THE FLOODGATES! Pollen: The what? Mucus membranes: Sir. All the floodgates? Immune system: ALL OF THEM! Pollen: Wait. Wait. You don't... Oh shi- [Dramatic music] Me: *sneezes*
-5.645334
6
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Your bosses tie
-5.118379
6
Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?" "Hail, Hitler"
-1.06541
6
Genie: "You have one more wish", Me: "I wish I was invisible"... Gene: Wsh granted
-6.125304
6
A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science! One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."
-4.887961
7
What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash. edit: Thank you, didn't expect it to blow up.
-0.179814
7
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange. He gives the teller $100 CAD And receives $150 ¥ back. He returns the following week to do the same thing. He gives the teller $100 CAD and receives $140 ¥. He asks "I was in here last week, why am I not getting the same amount back?" Teller replies, "Well, fluctuations." The Japanese man says, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you white guys too"
1.725632
7
A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's: Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.
1.178824
7
One atom says to another atom "Dude! I lost all my valence electrons!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
1.130915
7
A fella was up in court This fella was up in court being charged with murder. The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer” A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!” The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daughter to death with a hammer” Again, a voice shouts from the back of the courtroom “You prick!” The judge stops proceedings and says “Who keeps shouting out? If you continue I will charge you with contempt. Step forward and tell me what your problem is...” A man steps forward and says “I have lived next door to this bastard for the last 20 years, and every time I have asked to borrow a hammer, he said he hasn’t got one!”
1.316114
8
3 operating systems walk into a bar The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager." The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!" The third says "I'm Linux. I'll have some water, hops, barley and yeast please."
0.72141
8
The hurricane Sandy. A guy goes to a bar and looks at the drink menu to see if he can try a new cocktail that he never had before. He noticed there is a drink on the menu named "Hurricane Sandy." The guy never heard of it before so he asks the bartender what is it. The bartender replied "It's a watered down Manhattan."
1.409072
8
A piece of string walks into a bar... And asks for a Beer. The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string". So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please". The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave". To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".
1.995292
8
A man dies and he's able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best. And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds.... "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"
3.279279
8
Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint- Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
1.684662
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I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks" "Ducks can't talk" says I. "5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise" "You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks" I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?" "Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day" "HOLY SHIT, They do talk!" says I. On to the next duck "Hey, how was your day?" "Oh, the usual, in and out of puddles all day" "alright, now you, duckie, how was your day?" "Oh it was TERRIBLE!!!" "How come?" "My name is Puddles!!!"
5.46132
9
It was a fine day out on the sea... when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks. "Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?" "Garr," he conceded. "Well, I can't help but notice that you have a peg leg. Mind if I ask what happened?" "Garr, it were a fine day out on da sea when I fell o'er board and a shark swam up 'n' ate me leg." "Oh, I see. Best have my sea legs when the time comes," he replied. "But it looks like you lost your right hand. How'd you get that hook, old-timer?" "Garr, it were another fine day out on da sea when me ship were boarded by buccaneers. Fought 'em off best we could, but I lost me hand in da fray." "My swordsmanship could be improved." The young sailer looked appraisingly at his hands. "But tell me about that patch and how you lost your eye." "Garr, it were another fine day out on da sea when a seagull flew o'er 'n' pooped in me eye." The young sailer was at a loss. He had never heard of anyone losing an eye over a bit bird droppings. "I don't understand," he replied. "You lost your eye because of seagull poop?" "Garr," the old pirate said matter-of-factly. "It were me first day with me hook."
6.258247
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Words that start with "S" suck. Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s. Boy: Tell me. Girl: Words that start with s suck. Boy: What do you mean? Girl: Well, snakes suck. So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed. Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.
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9
Dad walks in on son fapping He says,"Son that'll make you go blind!" The young man says,"Dad I'm over here, that's a lamp."
7.175364
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An old bosnian joke my dad told me. Theres a man named haso and its his first day on the job as a taxi driver and he just picked up a tourist as they're driving around the tourist sees a building that he thinks is absolutely beautiful the tourist gently reaches forward and taps haso on the shoulder and haso spins the car out of control, crosses 3 lanes of traffic, hits a car, and crashes into a light pole the tourist then says: "i'm so sorry! i didn't think gently tapping you on the shoulder would cause you to lose control like that! You probably get robbed pretty often in your city." Haso says: "Oh, go fuck yourself ! Today is my first day of work as a taxi driver. The last 20 years I drove a hearse."
5.118767
10
Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope? Customer: No thanks, I’d have no use. Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do! Customer: I can’t read this, it’s too small! Man: Boy have I got the product for you!
2.624654
10
A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?" The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!" ... I'm sorry.
1.015957
10
I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies.... He asked, "What do you do in your free time". To which I responded, "I stalk people". "Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends". "I know"
2.27235
10
Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading. One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."
4.579702
10
WWII, nazis came to some village and decided to have a little fun So, they line up all the men from the village and pick one of their women. And one of the nazis says: "We'll kill all of you unless you will find your husband while blindfolded only by touching his dick". So, they blindfold her and she begins touching. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, this one is not even from our village..."
2.723999
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One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden "Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god "What are they?" Adam Replied "Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve." "That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?" "That would be a penis," God replied, "It will let you make offspring to populate the Earth. However, there is one downside." Adam asked, "What is it?" "Well, I only have enough blood to let you use one at a time."
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[garden of eden] **Snake:** Pssst! want an apple? **Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin. **Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20? **Eve:** 10 **Snake:** Thanksss **Adam:** How did you calculate that? **Eve:** Oh no.
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The Jewish Samurai Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.  After a year, only three applied for the job:  a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.  "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead," replied Cohen in contempt. "Dead is easy.  Now circumcision, that takes real skill."
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The phone rings at KGB headquarters “Hello?” “Hello, is this KGB?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.” “This will be noted.” Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz’s house. “Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?” “Yes.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yes, they did.” “Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”
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I'm not a Grammar Nazi! I'm alt-write.
-4.038362
12
There once was a plumber from Lea Who was plumbing a girl by the sea She said "Stop with your plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me."
4.376995
12
A guy walks into a watch store with his broken watch A guy walks into a watch store with his broken watch and asks the owner if he could fix his watch. "We don't fix watches." the owner replied. "Well... Can I buy a new watch?" asks the man. "We don't sell watches either." "You don't fix watches, and you don't sell watches, yet you have watches in the shop window." the man said with a surprised tone. "That's correct." "So what do you do here?" asked the man. "We circumcise people" answered the owner. "Then why have you put watches in the shop window?" "What else am I supposed to put there?"
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12
What's a Communist's favorite video game? *Don't Starve*
-2.09294
12
$400a night A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. ‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man. ‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! ‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. ‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife. The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’
4.858002
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A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help. She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird" Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"
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13
If Noah built an Ark in 2018 And lo, in the year 2018, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark."Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.""I needed a building permit.""I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.""Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!""When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.""Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.""Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.""The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.""So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
-1.287063
13
What's the best part of having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and imaging you are poking through Old guy at work told me that hahaha
-5.651629
13
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading
-7.869784
13
I met an old Air Force guy I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."
0.552387
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Pinocchio [NSFW] Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!" Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?" "You're too rough." Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..." She responds, "No, you don't understand. You're too *rough*. I'm getting splinters down there." The next day, he's telling this to Geppeto. "You really gotta help me fix this..." Geppeto replies, "Head down to the toolbox, in the bottom drawer is some 220-grit sandpaper. That should fix the problem." A week or so later, Geppeto is in Home Depot, and he sees Pinocchio in line at the cashier, with another package of sandpaper. "Hey, Pinocchio," Geppeto calls out. "It looks like the girls are really liking the new smooth feel!" Pinocchio replies, "Girls? Who needs girls?"
-1.640681
14
Smartass Student: mister steven could I ask you a question Teacher: Yes of course Student:how do you put an elephant inside a fridge Teacher: I don’t know Student: just open the fridge and put it in.ok I have another question Teacher: ok ask Student: how do you put a donkey in a fridge Teacher: just open the fridge and put it in Student: no first you take out the elephant and then you put the donkey in Teacher: ffs Student: let me ask another one, what if a lion threw a party and all animals were invited but one went missing Teacher: the lion would eat a deer or something Student: no the donkey cause it’s still in the fridge Teacher: are you fucking kidding me Student: no sir Teacher: ......... Student: ok one last question Teacher: alright then Student: if there was a river where crocodiles live and you wanted to cross it. How would you do that Teacher: i would need a boat for that Student: no you just swim cause all the crocodiles are a the lion’s party Teacher:...........
-0.538685
14
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks. "Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
1.656544
14
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!
-3.822154
14
A redneck decides he wants a sex change A redneck decides he wants a sex change, but he's not sure he can afford it. He asks the local doctor about his options. "So you don't have insurance?" asks the doctor. "Nope." "And no funds for an operation like this?" "Just 10 bucks I got for scooping them dead raccoons off the highway this weekend." replies the bumpkin. "Well, I'll tell you what. Go buy a half-stick of dynamite from Old Maurice, go out into your field, light the dynamite, and count to 10." says the doctor. "How's that supposed to make me into a woman?" asks the redneck. "Trust me. I've known you for years. It'll do the trick." So the man heads straight to Old Maurice's shack, gives him $10 for a half-stick of dynamite, and heads home. He walks straight to the middle of his field, lights the dynamite, holds it in his left hand, and as the fuse burns he starts counting off on his fingers: "One, two, three, four, five... " *sticks the dynamite between his legs to free his other hand* "... six, seven..."
2.127021
14
A guy in a bar A guy in a bar turned to the woman next to him and says, "above, off, on, out, over, in, from, for." The woman turns to him and asks, "are you trying to preposition me?"
-0.34535
15
[NSFW] I was making love to a loose woman at a party And I said, "Hey, this isn't an issue, but I've seen you with a bunch of other guys tonight. Do you think you could tell me how many it's been?" "Thirty-four," she told me, "but none of them know that." "I figured you'd be the only one keeping track," I said. "Why?" she asked. "It's the thot that counts."
3.295046
15
Hot and Cold After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." When the doctor examined the man’s wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" "Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."
4.55396
15
Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..! . Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, . "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" Doyle was flabbergasted.. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.. "No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." . Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles.. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to.. . Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation.. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer.. Your clothing is very English, and not French. . Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle..! "This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!" . . ."There is one other thing," the driver said..! "What is that?" "Your Name is on the front of your Suitcase..!!
5.007627
15
A young man is listening to a 90 year old, who was once a great adventurer.. The old man: "Then there was the time we were on safari, and from some bushes, not 10 feet away, a huge Lion attacked going ROAR!!!" "I tell you son, I just shit myself!" The young man: I don't blame you! If I had a Lion that close, I'd shit myself too!" The old man: No, I mean just now, when I went ROAR!"
2.969946
15
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said... "So, how long have you been an instructor?"
1.432655
16
At school A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student: \- What substance is that? \- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue! \- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!
-7.541509
16
A woman giddily asks her husband... "Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?" "Pi," said the husband. "Oh!" she replied "That's interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?" "No," he said. "But Pi is irrational, darling."
-8.305921
16
Mother in law dies A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
-2.613781
16
A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's: Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.
-7.091058
16
This dude walks into a library and asks the librarian "have you got any books on paranoia"? The librarians says, "They're right behind you"!
-4.955504
17
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
6.805514
17
A fella was up in court This fella was up in court being charged with murder. The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer” A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!” The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daughter to death with a hammer” Again, a voice shouts from the back of the courtroom “You prick!” The judge stops proceedings and says “Who keeps shouting out? If you continue I will charge you with contempt. Step forward and tell me what your problem is...” A man steps forward and says “I have lived next door to this bastard for the last 20 years, and every time I have asked to borrow a hammer, he said he hasn’t got one!”
6.194184
17
A priest is taking confessions... in the confession booth, and he desperately needs to take a bathroom break, however the queue outside the booth of confessing sinners is building and he really doesn't want to delay any further. Thankfully, with him is a young deacon in training, so the priest whispers to him, "listen, I need you to take over a few of these confessions for me while I duck off to the bathroom, I'll only be gone a few minutes." "But father!" Says the deacon in a hushed panic, "I don't know what to do! We haven't learned confessions in the seminary yet!" "Don't worry, it's easy," replies the priest. "just look here at this list on the wall. Whatever their sins are, just find it on the list and it will show the appropriate penance. The people confessing won't even see you from behind the screen anyway, you'll be fine. I'll be back soon." So the first punter walks in to the booth and the nervous deacon opens the screen. The man confesses to be stealing money from his work. The deacon looks down the list, and sure enough finds "stealing - 2 hail Marys," gives him his penance and sends him on his way. The second person walks in, a man claiming to have problems with anger, and that he struck his wife the other day. The deacon looks down the list, and finds "hitting - 1 Our Father." Tells the man to say 1 Our father as penance, and sends him on his way. A woman then enters. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm married, but I gave a blowjob to another man." The deacon scrolls down the list... blowjob... blowjob... no blowjob. He doesn't know what to do, it isn't on the list. The deacon begins to panic, but luckily he then notices an altar boy is nearby, so he whispers to him. "Pssst, listen I need to know something, what does father give for a blowjob?" To which the altar boy replies; "A snickers bar and a can of coke."
5.622388
17
An American spy is trying to disarm a bomb in a Soviet school. He's trying to decide which wire to cut. There's a red, a blue, and a green wire. As the timer ticks down and the agent is getting desperate he decides to cut the red wire. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital. He can't feel or see anything but he hears the doctor's voice. "It's a miracle you survived. You should be glad that you're even alive." The agent responds: "What happened in the school." "Did I cut the wrong wire?" The doctor stays quiet but removes the bandage covering the agents eyes and he sees that his arms are completely missing from the shoulder down. "OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ARMS. DOC!" "Well you see, in Soviet Russia bomb disarms you."
6.314499
17
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand. ...I'm so sorry. Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p Edit2: grammar, damnit Edit3: dammit!
6.729614
18
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster: Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."
3.041103
18
A guy walks into a doctors office and says 'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?' 'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room' ... Courtesy of my 6 year old.
0.683928
18
A lethargic eunuch checks himself into the hospital. "Doctor, I've lost all my energy. What's wrong with me?" The doctors run a series of tests, but they can't find anything wrong with the eunuch. "I'm sorry, but we don't know what's causing your fatigue. We've tested for anemia, depression, sleeping disorders, and we've turned up nothing." A physicist who is in the next bed over from the eunuch says, "I know why this man has no energy." The doctor tells the eunuch, "Don't listen to him. He's just a physicist and doesn't know anything about medicine." "If you can't figure out what's wrong with me, then I'd like to hear what he has to say," replies the eunuch. "Isn't it obvious?" the physicist says. "This man has no energy because someone's taken away his Joules!"
2.598172
18
At recess, all the children are playing outside. Little Mohammed goes to the swings and asks Little Jack if he can play on the swings too. "No, go away," replied Little Jack. "You're different and weird." A bit shaken, Little Mohammed goes to ask Little Suzie if he can play with her on the monkey bars. "No thanks, I'd rather not," replied Little Suzie. "You're different, and that's weird." So Little Mohammed goes to sit alone and watch the other children play. Once recess has ended and all of the children go back to class, the teacher announces a surprise quiz: "Children, today we are having a surprise spelling quiz. One by one, I will go around the room and ask what you did during recess. I'll then choose something from your activities to for you to spell. If you spell it correctly, I'll reward you with a cookie." The teacher asks around the room, one by one and finally gets to the final three students. "What did you do for recess Jack?" "I played on the swings!" He replies. "That sounds like fun, if you can spell 'swings', I'll give you a cookie!" "S-W-I-N-G-S" He announces. "Very good," says the teacher, handing over Little Jack's prize. "And what did you do, Suzie?" "I played on the monkey bars!" She replies. "That sounds like great exercise, if you can spell 'monkey', I'll give you a cookie!" "M-O-N-K-E-Y" She announces. "Very good," says the teacher, handing over Little Suzie's prize. "And what did you do Mohammed?" asks the teacher. "I sat by myself, and watched the other children play..." He says sadly. "And why is that, Mohammed?" "Because I asked Jack and Suzie if I could play with them and they both said no, because I'm different..." "Well then," Says the teacher. "That's just blatant-racial-discrimination." Little Mohammed nods. "If you can spell 'blatant-racial-discrimination' I'll give you a cookie!"
2.994287
18
Ban????? "How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?" "Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban." "Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"
-0.967637
19
My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder Sigh... *unzips*
-1.809727
19
My professor called me into his office. "Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use." "But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'" He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?" "Dave69 on Pornhub."
5.238535
19
Which E.D. is worst, Erectile Dysfunction or Explosive Diarrhea? The man blushed and answered in almost a whisper: erectile dysfunction.. The embarassed woman also said: erectile dysfunction. The butch lesbian hesitantly replied: erectile dysfunction. The gay guy without hesitation answered: depends if you're top or bottom.
3.464393
19
A man goes to the doctor He tells him, "doctor, I think I have an intense fear of repeating myself." The doctor asks, "You have a fear of what?" "I said a fear of-"
4.696327
19
A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"... "Why do you ask?" asks the Dad. The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."
5.757108
20
Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language: "Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display "I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display "Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display
4.233218
20
Two farm-hands are lying in their bunk house. One asks the other "Hey Jimbo, what time is it?" Jimbo responds, "Well here, let me check." And he pulls out a bugle, and gives it a toot. From his house, the owner of the farm shouts: "The hell are you playing a bugle for at two in the morning?!" "Well." Jimbo says, "it's two in the morning."
5.358179
20
There's a cheese manufacturer in Israel It's called 'cheeses of Nazareth'
2.436502
20
Guys I created a new word Its called plagiarism
2.40921
20
A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor". And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"
5.343472