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Say something naughty	Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"? I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Crack a dirty joke	I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction )) A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' " "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks. "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said" replied the boy.
Tell me a joke with innuendo please	Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen.
Tell me a not-for-kids joke please	A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it... A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Give me a joke that's a little bit naughty and bold	Sex Statistics on a Plane. A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penises and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Give me a joke that's a little bit racy	A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay... The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him. "Hey," he says. "Need a lift?" The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need." The rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest. A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him. "Grab my hand!" the captain yells. "We gotta get out of here!" "No!" The priest yells. "There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!" Reluctantly, the rescue boat rides off. As the water continues to rise, the priest is forced to the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over to him and lowers a winch. "Hold on!" Shouts the winchman as he holds out his hand. But the priest again shakes his head. "No! The lord will save me! Go save someone else!" Frustrated, the helicopter flies away. Sadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with and he goes under. He finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself. "Lord," the priest says, "I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!" "What are you talking about?" God replies. "I sent two boats and a fucking helicopter!!"
Say something naughty please	Measurements A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape measure out of his toolbox. First he measured the width of the grill then his wife's bottom. "Yep, just as thought. It really is as big as the grill." The wife got offended and stormed back into the house. Later that night, laying in bed, the husband started feeling frisky. He put his arm around hia wife and said "hey honey, what do ya say we fool around a little bit?". The wife turned to face him and said "Now why would I fire up this big ol' grill for one little weenie?".
Just a little dirty humor	A distraught man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!" The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him. The man asks: "Doc, does it look serious?" The doctor replies: "Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg."
Say something explicit please	An Engineer Goes to Hell An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on? The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer." "What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute." The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Share a cheeky joke	How do you know if you have a high sperm count? She chews before she swallows.
Let's hear an R-rated joke please	Three types of boobs A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his Father: "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?? Surprised, the father answered:"Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs" "In her 20's, a women's boobs are like Melons, round and firm." "In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears, still nice but hanging a bit." "After 50, they are like Onions." Son: "Onions??" Father: "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This made his Wife and Daughter Mad, so the Daughter asked her Mom: "How many kinds of Penises are there?" The Mother smiled and said,"Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases." "In his 20's, his penis is like an Oak Tree, Mighty and Hard." "In his 30's and 40's, it is like a Birch, Flexible but Reliable." "After 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree." Daughter: "Christmas Tree??" Mom: "Yes, the Tree is Dead and the Balls are just For Decoration!!"
What's your dirtiest joke?	3 nuns die and go to heaven... They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis? The first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers. Dip your fingers into the holy water and you will be pure, instructs the angel. The nun dips her fingers in the water and is allowed through the big pearly gates. The angel turns to the second nun and asks - did you touch a man's penis? Before she could answer, the third nun blurts out - eww, I'm not drinking that water after it goes up her ass!
Say a naughty joke right now please	A nurse walks up to the Doctor The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing? Doc says... I'm writing a prescription. Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer. Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen
Got any R-rated humor please?	Twin sisters just turned 100 years old Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
I want a dirty joke please	What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership? Audi...
Tell a sexy joke	An interviewer asks a shepard Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black ones or the brown ones? Interviewer: Brown ones. Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black ones? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which ones? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other ones? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black ones are mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown ones? Farmer: they are also mine
A joke with spice	Two men are sitting drinking at a bar At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
Share a joke that's a little bit inappropriate	Math class Teacher asks Johnny: "Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?" "An orgy?" Edited: names spelling, grammar.
What's your spiciest joke please?	A monkey is getting stoned in a tree.. A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Fuck man! How much water did you drink?!?"
Say something naughty and funny	I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" . OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her
Share a joke that's a little off-color	A man drove his car into a tree. He found out how a Mercedes bends.
Share a joke that's a little bit inappropriate	Pass the dam fish! A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them "dam fish." The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"
Share an indecent joke	A dick has a sad life if you think about it His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly.
Just a little dirty humor	The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or Hillary Clinton.
Let's get a bit inappropriate	Never swallow scrabble tiles... That shit could spell disaster
Make me blush with a joke please	A woman gets a new number She sends a text message to her husband. W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight" M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife"
Tell me an R-rated joke please	A woman was getting out of the shower As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well that's a lot of money, so she dropped the towel. He gave her the money and left. She went upstairs and told her husband that the neighbor Mike had come by. He asked if he gave her the eight hundred dollars he owed him.
Go raunchy please	A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven.... An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Frenchman thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. An angel ushers the Italian into a room filled with every Italian delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of Minestrone soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Italian thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. An angel ushers the Jewish man into a room filled with every type of Jewish delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of chicken soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Jewish guy thinks for a moment and begins stuffing his face with food. The puzzled angel has never seen this before. No one ever dared to eat the food in fear of being thrown into the boiling soup. He asked the Jewish fellow - I don't understand, the Frenchman and Italian were too scared to eat, are you not afraid? The Jewish guy answered - nah, I know how these Jewish events work, 5:00 is never 5:00 and the soup is never that hot.
Tell a sexy joke please	The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone! The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.
Please tell me a dirty joke	An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others. Sometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man walks up to them and says to the Englishman ‘Sahib, you know that it does not rain around these parts?’ The Englishman replies ‘Ah but you see it is not for the rain, it is for the sun.’ And so the Arab knew the Englishman was truly wise. He turns to the Irishman and says ‘You have a flask but it is not filled with water?’ ‘Well you see’ says the Irishman ‘water can be trouble around here so I filled it with something more precious instead.’ And so the Arab knew the Irishman was truly wise. ‘And you sir, for what reason do you carry the door?’ so the Scotsman says ‘Well I figure, if I get too hot I can just wind down the window.’ *formatting
Give me a joke that's a little grown-up	What's black and eats pussy? Cervical cancer.
Let's make it spicy	So I was jogging around the track at the gym and this really hot Latina chick passed me. I gave her a friendly wave and said "hola." However, she kept running and didn't say anything to me. I shrugged and kept going, thinking that maybe she didn't hear me. About 10 minutes later, she caught up to me again, and I once more waved and said "hola." Still, she kept her eyes straight ahead as she passed me and didn't respond. At this point, I was a little offended and felt determined to at least get a response of some kind from her. Finally, about 10 minutes later she caught up to me again, and as she passed I said "hola" somewhat louder than before. She finally slowed down and turned back to me and said "A few times I've been around this track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, 'cause I ain't no hola back girl!"
Share your most inappropriate joke	I just dropped my phone in a load of mayo. What the hellman!
Let's get inappropriate	What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick.
Adult joke time please	A Man Escapes From Prison A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Let's go dirty	Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt. Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks.
Let's go dirty please	I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it... Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.
Give me a lewd joke please	I have this theory about the origin of orgies. It all started with a big bang!
Give me a joke that's a little bit obscene	A sex addict decided to repent and volunteer in the local church... The first day, the priest was teaching him the new job. A girl walked into the church and confessed that she commited adultery once. The priest said: "You need to donate one dollar to the church so God may forgive you". So she did that and left. Then came another woman and confessed commiting adultery twice, so the priest told her she needs to donate two dollars to the church. Then the priest said:"You got the hang of it, I'm going to the bathroom and you need to do the same thing until I come back, and remember, never take more money than you should". When the priest came back he found the new guy fucking a woman on the altar, he got mad and started yelling: "Are you out of your mind! What are you doing?!" The sex addict replied: "Calm down man, this one said she commited adultery eight times and she donated a 10 dollar bill and I didn't have any change to give back to her so I had to fuck her twice".
What's your spiciest joke please?	A man walks on a street and sees an open manhole He cries into it: "Fuck you bitch!" Then echo replies: "Bitch you fuck!" A bit puzzled, he cries again: "Bitch you fuck!" And a second later, he hears: "Fuck you bitch!" Even more puzzled, he cries inside: "Fuck you bitch bitch you fuck!" The manhole replies: "Fuck off dude, I'm trying to work here"
I'm ready for a dirty joke	Sex with three people is called a threesome. Sex with two people is called a twosome. That is why they call me handsome.
Share something adult please	I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once... I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit
A joke with spice please	Breaking News: As if it isnt broken fucking enough
Say a joke with edge	A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and..... A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
Got an adult joke?	What did one muffin say to the other? 'Whew! It's hot in this oven!' How did the other muffin reply? 'Holy shit! A talking muffin!' Go easy on me, it's my first post to reddit.
Give me something naughty	A woman is at home when she hears someone...... A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
Tell me a joke that's a little spicy	A British guy, a Frenchman and a Russian were in a bar debating whether Adam and Eve were British, French, or Russian. The British guy says, " Obviously they were both British, observe how Adam offered Eve some of his apple after he received it from her, true British manners". French guy says: "Non, non, monsieur they were both French. First of all they were both NAKED, and Eve was so feminine and seductive and drove Adam nuts". Russian guy says: "Both of you are wrong. I can prove conclusively that Adam and Eve were nothing but Russian. They had no clothes. They had no heat. All that was left to eat was one lousy apple and they called it paradise!"
Share a joke that's a little R-rated	I have the most boring job of all... I run an oil drill rig.
Tell me a joke that's a little bit naughty and racy	Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.... My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.
Give me a lewd joke please	What's the difference between tired and exhausted? When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted.
Spicy humor	Caught my penis cheating on my wife today. Luckily after a few beatings, it learned it's lesson.
Say something naughty please	It must suck to have your period on valentines day But an even bigger pain in the ass.
Let's hear a joke with some heat	A couple of hunters from Wyoming are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
Tell me a joke that's a bit explicit	what is blue and has 27 tits? the trashbag at a cancer clinic.
What's your spiciest joke please?	An American man goes on a business trip to Japan. And he arrives there a day early before the meeting. So he decides to enjoy the night-life a little bit. The man goes out to a bar, picks up a lady after having a few drinks, and takes her back to the hotel. Eventually they start having sex and the lady keeps saying, "Oshi Moshi! Oshi Moshi!" The man thought that was weird but he kept going. The next day, he meets some business men on a golf course and sees one of them shank the ball. The guy is absolutely livid and shouts, "Oshi Moshi!" The American man looks at him and asks, "I hate to bother you, but what does 'oshi moshi' mean?" The golfer replies, "wrong hole!"
Share a joke that's a little bit naughty and racy	Why does a squirrel swim on it's back? To keep his nuts dry
Spicy joke	Lost my job today... Told my boss I was always late cause I had diarrhea .. he told me I was full of shit
Tell me a joke that's a little bit suggestive	Someone just asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with Sure, she's a bitch, but of course I'd take a bullet for my cousin.
Tell me a joke that's not safe for work	A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his own decision for once: Committing suicide. So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his car in his garage and tapes a garden hose to the exhaust pipe. He starts his car and puts the hose in his mouth, inhaling deeply, anticipating the sweet release of death. Soon after, he succumbs to his poison of choice and falls down, dying slowly as if he was simply falling asleep. His wife comes home and discovers him. Horrified, she sees a piece of paper next to him and picks it up, thinking it will be a suicide note to give her some clarity on what made him choose this terrible act. In familiar handwriting, she sees scribbled on the page: INSTRUCTIONS Step 1: Connect José to hose B
Tell me something naughty	An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine's day evening.... "Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?" He says "I thought I so want to suck your titties dry and fuck your brains out..." Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says "Well... what do you think of me now?" He says without skipping a beat " I think I did a fairly good job!"
Go ahead tell me a dirty joke please	A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop. The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit. Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, she reaches back again and unzips her dress a good deal more. But again, her foot falls just short of the step. Finally she reaches back and unzips the dress almost all the way. At this point the young man behind her reaches forward, grabs her by the hips and lifts her to the step. Infuriated, she turns and nearly screams, "And what made you think you had permission to touch me like that!?" The man calmly replies, "Well, after you reaches back and unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."
Let's make it spicy	What do you do when a epileptic's having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in.
A filthy laugh please	The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him. "Hey, Luigi!" An Italian looks up and says "Yeah?" BANG After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name. "Hey-a, John!" An American shouts back "Hey! Is that you Luigi?" The Italian looks up "Yeah, itsa me!" BANG
Share a saucy joke	My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river. I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.
Whisper a dirty joke	Why is it that if a girl has a lot of sex with guy she's a slut... But if a guy does it he's gay?
Share an inappropriate joke	The Ant and the Grasshopper CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
Share a joke that's a bit explicit	Are my testicles black? "NSFW" ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are- My - Test - Results - Back?"
Share a joke that's a little bit saucy	I went to the clothes store where all women's pants were half-off. But all the women there were fully dressed. Fucking liars.
Hit me with a dirty joke please	"Honey, I think I'm ugly...." So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said: "Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"
Share an indecent joke	A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps. Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good. Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump. It has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs.
Share a joke that's NSFW please	She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this. A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window. For a few moments the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, "Are you ok? I'm very sorry, but you scared the piss out of me!" The passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says "I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare some one so bad" The driver replied "no, no, I'm the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for over 20 years!"
Share a grown-up joke	Grasshopper Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves. He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him twice, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything. On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done. Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty nasty bug going around."
I want a dirty joke	How do you know? An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. “Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!” The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!” He began his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?" Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”
What's your dirtiest joke please?	A group of bureaucrats from the EU are out on a chartered luxury liner through the Pacific. A storm blows up, the cruiser starts to sink, and everyone abandons ship. By a quirk of fate, the only survivors are two men and one woman from each of the EU countries. They stagger onto the shore of a beautiful desert island. After three months, things have changed. One Italian man has killed the other Italian man in a fight over the Italian woman. The two Frenchmen and the French woman are enjoying a threesome, but complain bitterly about the multitude of foreigners on their island. The two Englishmen are waiting patiently for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The German men have a strict, weekly alternating sex schedule; the woman gets weekends off. The Dutch men are fully prepared, in general, to share the woman. However, they are still debating how to ensure that both will have an exactly equal share, how to reduce supervision cost, and how to guarantee the woman equal rights. They are writing to the Hague. The Luxemburg men are still recovering from the shock of seeing half the population of Luxembourg stranded on the island. But they will soon start collecting seashells on the beach. The Finnish men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Finnish woman, and started swimming. They were soon overtaken by the Portuguese men. The Danish trio embarked on a search for people to join them in an orgy. They gladly accepted the participation of the Finnish woman, and are still vainly trying to persuade the Portuguese woman. The Spanish men are protecting the virginity of the Spanish woman and are constantly suspiciously spying on one another. Meanwhile, she dances flamenco. The Austrian men initiated a yodelling contest for the woman. The loser immediately started learning flamenco, as well as Portuguese, Finnish and Danish. The Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The Swedish woman keeps on bitching about female exploitation while the men are sunbathing and waiting for her to tell them what to do. The Irish began by setting up a distillery for which they expect to receive a substantial EU subsidy. They don't recall if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few rounds of coconut whisky. But they're happy that, at least, the English aren't getting any. Disclaimer: this joke is from an old joke book I own. This joke stood out the most to me as I remember bits of it since I was a teen. Hope you enjoy it!!
Let's hear a joke with some edge	I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob. She's a sucker for love.
Give me a joke that's a little spicy	Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store. They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it out in the back-room and proceed to it, upsetting each and every container on their way. They find three empty sacks on the floor and hide in them, Tom in the first one, Harry in the second and Dick in the third. The officer follows the apparent trail into the back room. He sees three lone sacks and proceeds to kick them one by one. When he kicks the first one, Tom barks softly "bow wow". The officer thinks it must be a puppy, and proceeds to the next one. This time Harry growls like a cat "grrrr"."Must be a kitten", he thinks and goes to the next sack. By this time Dick had everything figured out, so when the officer kicks him, he shouts "potato".
Share a bold joke	Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers Will make your car look fucking stupid
Tell me a provocative joke	So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven... God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest." Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and Satan will sit down at their desktops and pound out as much perfectly-formatted HTML as they possibly can. The contest is officially scheduled for Easter Sunday, and news spreads far and wide. Easter Sunday rolls around. People from all over flock to Heaven to witness the contest. It is broadcasted live on several news stations, and is even live-tweeted by some representatives from Google. At exactly 8:59 AM, Satan and Jesus both sit down at two computers, facing each other. They log in and open up their scripting program. At 9 AM, Archangel Michael drops a flag and the race begins. One hour, and several cups of coffee, pass. Both Satan and Jesus are going strong. Satan is adamant that he will beat Jesus and get back into Heaven, while Jesus just really enjoys coding (it's a hobby of his). The official line count is read off every hour, and at 10 AM, Satan is slightly ahead. By 11 AM, Jesus has caught up to Satan, because Satan found an error and had to rewrite several pages of code. He is slightly annoyed, but still determined to beat Jesus. By noon, Satan and Jesus have caught up again, as Jesus decided to reformat a large section of his work to make it more streamlined and perfectly formatted, as per the contest rules. Satan is starting to get cocky, showing off to the crowd by typing with his barbed tail, typing with his eyes shut, typing with his trident, et cetera. The crowd oohs and ahhs appropriately. At 1 PM, they both stop for some lunch. Satan decides to trick Jesus into taking a longer lunch break, so he gives Jesus five loaves of bread and three fishes. Jesus breaks off pieces to feed himself, but simply cannot finish his meal. With Satan getting ahead of him, he passes off the meal to the group of 5,000 men gathered around him. They are all fed, with leftovers. Jesus continues programming. By 2 PM, both Satan and Jesus are getting rather dehydrated, so they stop for a water break. To get even for the loaves and fishes trick earlier, Jesus pours Satan some water, but secretly turns it into wine. If Satan is drunk, his coding can't be perfectly formatted. 2:59 rolls around. Satan has typed 5,638 lines of code, while Jesus has only typed 5,277. The crowd is tense as they race towards the finish line. Suddenly, God steps in, pulls the plugs on both computers, and loudly announces "JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WINS! SATAN WILL NOT RE-ENTER HEAVEN!" Satan is furious. "How can this be?" He asks. "I had far more lines of code than Jesus! My code was perfectly formatted, too!" Jesus taunts Satan. "Well I don't see your code, Satan. It must have been lost when the computers were shut off." "Your computer was shut off, too!" Satan retorts. "I guess neither of us win!" God, rather proud of his son at this point, walks over and turns back on both computers. Predictably, Satan's coding cannot be found, but when Jesus's computer is booted back up, his program is right there on the desktop. God opens it, and it runs like a charm. "How can this be?" Satan snarls. "I finished more coding! It should be there! I should've won this!" "Satan, my friend," God says, "You have made a grave mistake. See, you may code faster, and perhaps even better than my son, but Jesus... Jesus saves."
Tell me something NSFW please	A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long) A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report. "Left arm - found in ditch" "Left leg - found in ditch" ~~"Head - found in bulavard~~ ~~"Head - found in boulavard~~ kick "Head - found in ditch"
Share a joke that's NSFW please	A nun decides to go golfing and invites a priest to be her caddy. On the first hole, the nun hits an excellent shot, landing the ball right on the green. A short golf cart ride later, she putts and the ball rolls right toward the hole but veers left at the second. "God, I missed!" yells the nun. "Now, now, sister," the priest remarks, "don't use the Lord's name in vain, or he will strike you down." The nun shrugs him off and prepares to putt again. On the tenth hole, the nun again hits a wonderful shot, landing the ball once again on the green. The pair drives over to the green. The nun putts the ball and but it skips over the hole. "God, I missed!" the nun exclaims again. "Be careful, sister l, one must never use the Lord's name in vain, for he will surely strike you down!" the priest warns. "Yeah, I heard you the first time," says the nun dismissively. On the eighteenth hole, after a spectacular shot landing the ball mere metres from the hole, the nun gently taps the ball toward the hole. It rolls gracefully toward its target, spins around the inside of the hole and hops back out, resting firmly right on the edge. Infuriated, the nun shouts, "God, I missed!" Suddenly, the sky darkens and the smell of sulphur thickens the air. A massive and terrifying bolt of white lighting streaks down from the sky: a tendril of pure, divine, death-seeking light energy. With an eardrum-shattering crack and a blinding flash, it strikes the priest dead. A booming, mighty voice cries out from the heavens in frustration: "GOD, I MISSED!"
Share something adult	We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect. He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it. Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he asked, "Has the patient been circumcised yet?" Our doc replied that he hadn't, and the surgeon explained his plan. The NICU cut a short length of 5mm silicone tubing and placed it over the tip of our newborn's penis, then carefully stretched his little foreskin over the end of the tubing and taped it in place. After 12 hours they replaced it with 7.5mm tubing, then after 24 hours they replaced that with 10mm tubing. The next day the surgeon arrived. They wheeled our baby into surgery where he performed the circumcision and then immediately used the recovered, stretched tissue to replace the missing eyelids. Afterward, the surgeon explained to us that he's done this surgery only three times before but it was always successful, and since it used the baby's own tissue there was virtually no chance of rejection. We thanked the surgeon and asked if there were any side effects we should look out for. "Well," he said thoughtfully, "he'll probably be a little cockeyed."
Give me a joke that's a little bit naughty and daring	I masturbate with soap Just thought I should come clean
Got anything raunchy?	I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old"
Say something vulgar and funny please	What's my idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging
Tell me a joke that's a little bit naughty and bold	A boy asks the ice cream truck man. boy : "Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream ?" man : " sorry, no I don't" the boy says " ok" then walks away. the next day the boy comes again " do you have onion flavored ice cream ? " asks the boy again. the man replies " sorry, I don't have any" the boy walks away but also comes back the next day asking the same question, and gets the same reply the man decides to get onion flavored ice cream just to sell it to the boy, "if he asked for it so many times he probably will buy a lot" he thought. the next day as suspected to boy comes and asks " do you have onion flavored ice cream " the man says : " yes! a whole lot of it too" the boy : " haha that sucks, who would buy that shit" and walks away.
Give me a dirty joke	My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm. Isn't that humorous?
A filthy laugh please	What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident? A rektangle
Tell me something NSFW please	What do gay horses eat? Horse dick.
Say something naughty please	Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom? Because he hates it raw.
Say something vulgar and funny	"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!" "Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
Say a joke with edge	Anybody here have sex while camping? It's fucking intense.
Make it a naughty one	3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter. First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soon after I found him hanging by his fingers in our bedroom window. I picked up my hammer and started hammering his fingers until the screaming fucker let go. Falling down 4 stories I thought this would surely kill him but when I looked down I saw he had landed in a bush and survived the fall. Still frowning I ran to the kitchen, picked up our fridge and threw it out the bedroom window smashing my wifes lover like a melon. Apparently this was more than my heart could take and I died from a heart attack" Gabriel: "Sure is a good death story, you may enter" The second guy: "Well.. I was cleaning my bedroom window and suddenly I slipped and fell out window. Luckily my downstair neighbor had an open window and by quick reacting I grabbed the ledge by the tip of my fingers. But would you believe it, some douchebag fuck start hammering my fingers until I let go and fall down 4 stories. Amazingly I survive by landing in a bush but then the ass clown throws his fucking fridge out the window squashing me like a melon!.." Gabriel: "also a great story, you may enter" Third guy: "Well.. I was hiding naked in a fridge.." (spelling, grammar)
Tell me a joke that's a little spicy	A blind guy walks into a bar... A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He makes his way through the crowded joint to order a beer from the bar. After a few sips the man casually grabs the slack from the leash, and proceeds to swing the dog by its neck around his head like a helicopter. Several terrified patrons scream, "what the hell are you doing?!?" Casually, yet slightly offended, the man replies, "geez, relax, I'm just looking around."
Just one dirty joke	Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple? The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along.
Tell me something raunchy	If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey.... Keep it short and sweet.
NSFW joke time please	Surprise oral will make your day Surprise anal will make your hole weak
Whisper a dirty joke please	I used to think I was good in bed..... Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma.
Let's get a little filthy	First time grandparents go to visit the new baby After traveling several hours, enjoying dinner, and meeting the baby, the grandparents decided to spend the night. The grandparents, being older, had trouble sleeping. The grandfather rolled over, tapped on the grandmother' shoulder, and asked, "would you like to do some laundry?" This had been their code word for sex for many years. The grandmother was beside herself. "Here? In your child's and new grandchild's house? That's disgusting!" The grandfather sighed and rolled over. After dosing off for a few hours, the grandmother woke up, tapped the grandfather on the shoulder and said, "I think everyone else is asleep. We can do some laundry now!" The grandfather yawned and replied, "Don't worry about that, dear. I just had a small load, so I did it by hand."
Let's go dirty	Blonde car A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If I only can sell the car. "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 60,000 miles on it."
What's your spiciest joke?	After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm? My penis.

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