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Tim: What is Smokey the Bear’s middle name?
Andrew: I have no idea. What?
Tim: “The.”
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RH_0_4459
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The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael They didn't have his sai's.
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RH_0_8700
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I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
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RH_0_1524
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What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick
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RH_0_2195
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Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.
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RH_0_7897
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Which is Better, a Cat or a Dog House? A dog house, because a cat house has no woof!
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RH_0_9130
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[aquarium] Me: "That's a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank." Guide: "it's octopi." Me: "Oh..that's a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank."
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RH_0_10502
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To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
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RH_0_2008
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I met a girl named Nirvana yesterday... I asked her "Did your parents give you than name while you were still In Utero?". She was like "What?".. I just shook my head and said "Nevermind...".
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RH_0_7242
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When I quit my job I'm going to barge into my boss's office, slam my gun and badge on his desk, and storm out of this Arby's forever.
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RH_0_10626
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[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious! Waiter: Ma'am, you can't try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
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RH_0_7906
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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis
I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands
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RH_0_1647
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I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."
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RH_0_1453
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What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? ... He nuts and bolts.
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RH_0_9265
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Grady: Why was the cookie sad?
Luca: I’m stumped.
Grady: Because its mom was a wafer so long.
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RH_0_3666
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During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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RH_0_1201
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what's the most common name for a Mexican ? manual labor ........
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RH_0_6175
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Japanese soccer. 'Murica, fuck yeah!
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RH_0_7974
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Jackson: Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Uncle Noel: I don’t know. Why not?
Jackson: Because they’re extinct.
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RH_0_4105
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Which Fruit Can't Get Married??
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RH_0_7349
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I just ate lunch at a restaurant that calls french fries, 'Freedom Fries.' Thats just fucking stupid, pardon my freedom.
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RH_0_6933
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Wanna hear a Nirvana joke? Nevermind.
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RH_0_6569
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What do you call a midget clown that juggles? A Juggalo
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RH_0_8013
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What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind
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RH_0_2145
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My friend learned today that his effeminate kid's favourite song comes from Annie. I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, The Son'll Come Out Tomorrow.
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RH_0_7658
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I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint
You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall
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RH_0_1210
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Dad: Great news, son! We’ve saved enough money to go to Disneyland.
Son: That’s great! When are we going?
Dad: As soon as we save enough to get back.
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RH_0_2757
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Sean: What’s the worst thing that can happen to a geography teacher?
Al: What?
Sean: Getting lost.
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RH_0_2984
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I asked my boss for a raise and full-benefits package. But before I knew it, she was going down on me.
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RH_0_7811
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Friends are like potatoes. When you eat them, they die.
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RH_0_6339
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What kind of porn does Smurfette make? Blue Cocky.
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RH_0_8019
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
The other says
"No"
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RH_0_861
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Why aren't koalas real bears? Because they don't meet the koalifications!
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RH_0_9448
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If you haven't had a vagina around your neck... You haven't lived. Happy Mother's Day!
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RH_0_6850
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LUCAS: Why was the tarantula wearing a disguise?
MOLLY: Why?
LUCAS: Because it was a spy-der.
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RH_0_3387
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Have you heard about the free, legal, new release movie download service? Yeah, all that you need to do is hack into Sony's email server. HAHAHA... topical.
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RH_0_7303
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Easter is a sad day for Lance Armstrong He can never seem to find more than one egg
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RH_0_8117
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My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
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RH_0_1595
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Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.
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RH_0_5904
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What is the leading cause of pedophilia in America? Sexy children.
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RH_0_6365
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Wife: Why do you go...... Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
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RH_0_10155
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,
but the invention of the broom swept the nation.
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RH_0_2357
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A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
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RH_0_758
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Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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RH_0_1028
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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
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RH_0_785
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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
A seatbelt.
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RH_0_1630
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Farmer: Did you know it takes three sheep to make one sweater?
City Slicker: That’s fantastic! I didn’t even know they could knit!
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RH_0_3985
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Freudian Slip... I got divorced over a Freudian slip. I meant to say, "Please pass the salt" but I said, "You rotten bitch, you ruined my life." (I think that's a Jackie Mason joke)
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RH_0_9170
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Atoms are Liars... They make up everything.
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RH_0_6228
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23 "Amazing" Photos That Will Make You Cry Because You're Emotionally Repressed And Have Been Waiting For An Excuse To Cry
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RH_0_7732
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