SeppeV/example_user_recs · Datasets at Hugging Face

user_recs stringlengths 43 799
Two chemists walk into a bar... Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, " I'll have H2O too." The second one dies.
Andrew: What did the landscaper say after he received his payment? Ross: I don’t know. Andrew: “Thank you very mulch.”
2 apples are sitting in an oven One apple looks to the other and says "Man is it hot in here or what?" The second apple screams "Holy shit!?! A talking apple!"
Erik: Why did the pony go to the doctor? Leroy: Beats me. Erik: It was a little horse.
A cop pulls over a stoner The cop looks at him and asks "How high are you?" to which the stoner replies "No officer, the correct way to say it is Hi how are you."
A student walks into class late... Teacher: "Why are you late?" Student: "While I was coming, I saw a sign that said School ahead. Slow down."
Caleb: Did you hear about the hungry clock? Jim: No. What happened? Caleb: It went back four seconds.
What did Adele say when asked where her dog is? Groomer has it
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just 1. It's offensive that you thought this was a joke.
2 Muffins are sitting in an oven... One says to the other "man its hot in here" the other one yells terrified "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
How come there are no Jared Fogle jokes on reddit? No I mean it im just asking,
Online classified ad Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde. Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d.... Nevermind.
Why did the melon insist on having a big wedding? Because it cantaloupe.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again.... Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?
Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.
NIHIT: What did one pickle say to the other when they fell on the floor? MAHI: I don’t have a clue. NIHIT: “Dill with it!”
You hear the one about a geologist that was an alcoholic? He found rock bottom.
Two aliens are flying near earth The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons." The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies. Nyetflix.
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
AARON: Why did the scuba divers start laughing when they got near the coral reefs? KAYLEE: Why? AARON: They saw a clownfish.
"Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep." -Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I was going to make a joke about anal... But fuck it
What do scientists use to measure a chicken's gestation period? An egg timer
Harry: What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into his building? Billy: What? Harry: “Odor in the court!”
A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I know the guy!"
You hear of the movie about a girl's struggle during her time of the month? It won the award for the best period drama
Boyfriend and Girlfriend are at a baseball game the boyfriend leans over the girlfriend and says, "I'll kiss you on the strikes, if you kiss me on the balls"
Wesley: What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo? Ethan: Tell me. Wesley: “Use the horse, Luke!”
Zachary: What did one wall say to the other wall? Tom: What? Zachary: “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
Had my girlfriend wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for roleplay She got my name wrong during sex
Zach: What did one flame say to the other? Scott: Tell me. Zach: “We’re a perfect match.”
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
An Asian girl walks up to me in a bar. She says *"Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!"* Apparently she was giving me her number.
SIMEON: What do snowmen say to each other when they meet? ASHLEY: What? SIMEON: “Ice to meet you!”
I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up
A guy asks a lawyer about his fees. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”
An elderly Asian man goes to the eye doctor The doctor takes one look at his eyes and says "Sir, I think you have cataracts". To which his patient replies "No i don't, i drive a rincoln rontinental".
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire.... The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.
Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter? It sure gave them something to chew over.
In 101 Dalmatians there were 99 problems and bitches were approximately half of them This got banned from Showerthoughts for being a pun, and I knew you guys liked puns so here we are!
So I heard a bad joke about a prostitute... It was whoreible.
"What is your name, son? A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
I went to an Indian restaurant and asked for curry bread. But there was naan.
BRANDON: What did the elevator operator learn about his new job? CONNOR: Tell me. BRANDON: That it has its ups and downs.
I had a serious talk with my girlfriend after she told me about her rape fantasy. It actually went pretty well too... Ending with me whispering in her ear, "shut the fuck up or I cut you bitch"
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.. After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage... After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel? Username checks out
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup... I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
My cowboy friends phone froze on gindr the other day He kept asking "Why can't I quit you"
Mark: What did the geologist say to his boss? John: I don’t know. Mark: “Please don’t take me for granite.”
Did you hear about the tornado that swept through the cemetery? Hundreds dead.
A lady cut me off... The other day a lady cut me off who was texting while driving. I got so mad at her I pulled up beside her and threw my beer can at her.
I went into my sons room and found a mouse, so I stamped it to death. It would have been so much easier if there wasn't a fucking cage around it.
One fun thing about having a crappy car is abruptly shutting off the air conditioner on the highway and pretending you have a hyperdrive.
The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence. Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch becomes Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.
I went to the Zoo today They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
When the guy at Subway asks what type of bread you'd like, say cookies. When he laughs, ask to speak to the manager.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
Did you hear about the vampire who joined an orchestra? He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.
An xbox and a ps4 were attacked .. here comes the ambulance WII U WII U WII U
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked "How many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
How did the swordsman keep annoying r/jokes? Constant ripostes.
A man with a wooden leg marries a woman with a wooden eye on their honeymoon she asks him if he wants to fool around. He replies, would I! she spits out peg leg
Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.
Bob: What did the chessmaster say when he wanted his friend to look at something? Nob: What? Bob: "CHECK this out, MATE."
Alex: Knock, knock. Billy: Who’s there? Alex: Woo. Billy: Woo, who? Alex: Don’t get too excited — it’s just a joke!
Why did the semen cross the road? I put in the wrong socks this morning.
Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry.
Two cannibals are eating a clown... and one says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked? A seatbelt
What do you call a Bee hive with no exits? Unbelievable.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.” I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Nick: Did you hear about the celery that got arrested? Noah: No, I didn’t. Nick: Yeah, it was accused of stalking.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.
One night a burglar broke into my house All he got was practice.
My doctor gave me a prescription of daily sex My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
My wife just tried to cut off my penis. Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.
What did the snail say riding on the turtles back WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
NATHANIEL: How long did George Washington play in the football game? REX: How long? NATHANIEL: One quarter.
What does the Doctor say on a one-night stand going wrong? [It's bigger on the inside](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU)
BRADLEY: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? JAMES: What? BRADLEY: It gets toad!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a good chat. Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Did you hear about all the Hamburgers that showed up at the Hot Dogs' prom? They were in abundance.
I finally got an A on my essay! Only 1999 more words to go.
Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.
I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars. She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
BOB: Why was it so hot at the football game? MAX: I give up. BOB: Because there were no fans at the stadium.
What’s a good name for a detective? Mr. E * My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind
My friend asked me to take a look at something on r/jokes I replied, "No thanks, I already reddit."
What did the scientist say before he died by mixing Hydroxide and Nitrate? "OH^- NO^3+ !"
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey! &#x200B; Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Two chemists walk into a bar... Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, " I'll have H2O too." The second one dies.

Andrew: What did the landscaper say after he received his payment? Ross: I don’t know. Andrew: “Thank you very mulch.”

2 apples are sitting in an oven One apple looks to the other and says "Man is it hot in here or what?" The second apple screams "Holy shit!?! A talking apple!"

Erik: Why did the pony go to the doctor? Leroy: Beats me. Erik: It was a little horse.

A cop pulls over a stoner The cop looks at him and asks "How high are you?" to which the stoner replies "No officer, the correct way to say it is Hi how are you."

A student walks into class late... Teacher: "Why are you late?" Student: "While I was coming, I saw a sign that said **School ahead. Slow down.**"

Caleb: Did you hear about the hungry clock? Jim: No. What happened? Caleb: It went back four seconds.

What did Adele say when asked where her dog is? Groomer has it

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just 1. It's offensive that you thought this was a joke.

2 Muffins are sitting in an oven... One says to the other "man its hot in here" the other one yells terrified "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

How come there are no Jared Fogle jokes on reddit? No I mean it im just asking,

Online classified ad Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde. Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d.... Nevermind.

Why did the melon insist on having a big wedding? Because it cantaloupe.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again.... Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

NIHIT: What did one pickle say to the other when they fell on the floor? MAHI: I don’t have a clue. NIHIT: “Dill with it!”

You hear the one about a geologist that was an alcoholic? He found rock bottom.

Two aliens are flying near earth The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons." The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies. Nyetflix.

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

AARON: Why did the scuba divers start laughing when they got near the coral reefs? KAYLEE: Why? AARON: They saw a clownfish.

"Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep." -Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

I was going to make a joke about anal... But fuck it

What do scientists use to measure a chicken's gestation period? An egg timer

Harry: What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into his building? Billy: What? Harry: “Odor in the court!”

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"

You hear of the movie about a girl's struggle during her time of the month? It won the award for the best period drama

Boyfriend and Girlfriend are at a baseball game the boyfriend leans over the girlfriend and says, "I'll kiss you on the strikes, if you kiss me on the balls"

Wesley: What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo? Ethan: Tell me. Wesley: “Use the horse, Luke!”

Zachary: What did one wall say to the other wall? Tom: What? Zachary: “I’ll meet you at the corner.”

Had my girlfriend wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for roleplay She got my name wrong during sex

Zach: What did one flame say to the other? Scott: Tell me. Zach: “We’re a perfect match.”

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

An Asian girl walks up to me in a bar. She says ***"Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!"*** Apparently she was giving me her number.

SIMEON: What do snowmen say to each other when they meet? ASHLEY: What? SIMEON: “Ice to meet you!”

I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

A guy asks a lawyer about his fees. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”

An elderly Asian man goes to the eye doctor The doctor takes one look at his eyes and says "Sir, I think you have cataracts". To which his patient replies "No i don't, i drive a rincoln rontinental".

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire.... The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter? It sure gave them something to chew over.

In 101 Dalmatians there were 99 problems and bitches were approximately half of them This got banned from Showerthoughts for being a pun, and I knew you guys liked puns so here we are!

So I heard a bad joke about a prostitute... It was whoreible.

"What is your name, son? A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

I went to an Indian restaurant and asked for curry bread. But there was naan.

BRANDON: What did the elevator operator learn about his new job? CONNOR: Tell me. BRANDON: That it has its ups and downs.

I had a serious talk with my girlfriend after she told me about her rape fantasy. It actually went pretty well too... Ending with me whispering in her ear, "shut the fuck up or I cut you bitch"

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.. After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage... After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

How do you know a redditor has left a hotel? Username checks out

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup... I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

My cowboy friends phone froze on gindr the other day He kept asking "Why can't I quit you"

Mark: What did the geologist say to his boss? John: I don’t know. Mark: “Please don’t take me for granite.”

Did you hear about the tornado that swept through the cemetery? Hundreds dead.

A lady cut me off... The other day a lady cut me off who was texting while driving. I got so mad at her I pulled up beside her and threw my beer can at her.

I went into my sons room and found a mouse, so I stamped it to death. It would have been so much easier if there wasn't a fucking cage around it.

One fun thing about having a crappy car is abruptly shutting off the air conditioner on the highway and pretending you have a hyperdrive.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence. Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch becomes Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

I went to the Zoo today They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

When the guy at Subway asks what type of bread you'd like, say cookies. When he laughs, ask to speak to the manager.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

Did you hear about the vampire who joined an orchestra? He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.

An xbox and a ps4 were attacked .. here comes the ambulance WII U WII U WII U

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked "How many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".

How did the swordsman keep annoying r/jokes? Constant ripostes.

A man with a wooden leg marries a woman with a wooden eye on their honeymoon she asks him if he wants to fool around. He replies, would I! she spits out peg leg

Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.

Bob: What did the chessmaster say when he wanted his friend to look at something? Nob: What? Bob: "CHECK this out, MATE."

Alex: Knock, knock. Billy: Who’s there? Alex: Woo. Billy: Woo, who? Alex: Don’t get too excited — it’s just a joke!

Why did the semen cross the road? I put in the wrong socks this morning.

Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry.

Two cannibals are eating a clown... and one says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked? A seatbelt

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits? Unbelievable.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.” I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

Nick: Did you hear about the celery that got arrested? Noah: No, I didn’t. Nick: Yeah, it was accused of stalking.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

One night a burglar broke into my house All he got was practice.

My doctor gave me a prescription of daily sex My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

My wife just tried to cut off my penis. Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

What did the snail say riding on the turtles back WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

NATHANIEL: How long did George Washington play in the football game? REX: How long? NATHANIEL: One quarter.

What does the Doctor say on a one-night stand going wrong? [It's bigger on the inside](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU)

BRADLEY: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? JAMES: What? BRADLEY: It gets toad!

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a good chat. Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Did you hear about all the Hamburgers that showed up at the Hot Dogs' prom? They were in abundance.

I finally got an A on my essay! Only 1999 more words to go.

Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars. She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

BOB: Why was it so hot at the football game? MAX: I give up. BOB: Because there were no fans at the stadium.

What’s a good name for a detective? Mr. E * My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

My friend asked me to take a look at something on r/jokes I replied, "No thanks, I already reddit."

What did the scientist say before he died by mixing Hydroxide and Nitrate? "OH^- NO^3+ !"

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey! &#x200B; *Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE