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this happened last night.
i'm walking home from an honest, hard day at work and a difficult day at therapy, after an honest hard week at work; brain is fried, needing a weekend and a good night's sleep. i get off the train and am half a block at home.
i see a neighbor i like. "hi neighbor b!"
"it's neighbor a, but hi drdeadringer!"
10 feet later, it hits me. i turn around. "shit neighbor a, i just called you neighbor b. i'm really sorry. it's a long day. how you doing?"
"oh, i'm ok, i threw back it was me... oh hey, here's neighbor b!"
damn. "hey neighbor b. i'm really sorry, but i just swapped you and neighbor a's names. it's been a really long day and long week, and i'm sorry but --"
neighbor b: "oh hey drdeadringer, i guess we'll let it pass this time. how you been?"
edit: title s/b "two", not "to"; sorry reddit grammar nazis.
|
i have two black, bald neighbors i have no problem telling apart. after an honestly long day after an honestly long week, i honestly mix their names. i can't scrub my mistaken racism off hard enough, i wish i was in the 25th century where this didn't matter.
|
honestly switching the names of to black neighbors
|
Title:honestly switching the names of to black neighbors
TLDR:
|
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] |
yesterday was my husband's first payday from his new job. as a celebration, he went out with a buddy last night while i stayed home with our son. around 4am he stumbled in and passed out. i'm a little perturbed but figure no biggie...he deserves it. he works nights anyways. i don't want him messing up his schedule.
fast forward to this morning while i'm looking over our bank accounts like i usually do, and i see $300 in charges from a place i don't recognize. i look it up and find out it's a strip club. i flipped out a little bit, not because of the strip club, but due to the $300. i don't mind him enjoying the night, but we're not made of money. we don't have a $300 stripper budget.
shortly after this my husband wakes up and asks for a glass of milk. i say something along the line of "no, fuck you. drop $300 on strippers. let them get your milk, asshole. what the fuck is wrong with you?" he's a little confused and a little pissed, but gets up and gets his own milk, and then passes back out. i felt pretty good standing up for myself.
my husband wakes up a few hours later while i'm feeding our son some lunch and tells me he needs to go to the bank and get a new card. i ask why. apparently the strip club skimmed his card. he legitimately spent less than $100, but the other charges were unauthorized. not only that but our bank blocked upwards of $2000 worth of attempted charges and deactivated his card. needless to say, i felt like a bitch and just wished i had brought him some milk.
|
husband asked for some milk this morning. i tell him to fuck off for spending excessive money on strippers last night. turns out strippers skimmed his card and made unauthorized charges.
|
not getting my husband some milk.
|
Title:not getting my husband some milk.
TLDR:
|
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] |
this tifu happened a few months ago. so i'll start off by saying that i don't fart around my gf, i don't know why i just don't like to. so i have a habit of holding them in for long periods of time. it got to the point that i'd start getting pains in my stomach so i had to find ways to release my gas without her knowing (smelling/hearing). this was my first attempt...
we went out to eat at what ended up being a very good burger place, we even met the owner and he was pretty cool. anyways i had been having to pass some gas for quite some time and after having a huge avocado burger my stomach was at full capacity. we left the restaurant and i opened the car door for my gf as i usually do. thats when i got a brilliant idea. (i don't know why it took me so long to think of this) i shut her door and walked around the back of my car, stopped, pulled out my phone, and released my noxious fumes. it was such sweet relief. it came out with the power of a thousand suns, it felt as if it made the windows shake. after a huge sigh of relief i proceeded to open the driver side door and sat down. in that moment a huge gust of wind came, and with the power of some mischievous god it blew my butt gas right into the car. i sat there in embarrassment and horror. i could feel my face turn red. my gf just looked at me confused and with mild disgust. "did you fart?" she asked. i shyly said yes. to my surprise she didn't react as bad as my nerve wracked mind thought. she just rolled down the window and said it smelled really bad. after airing out the car i explained her what i had been going through for the past few months we had been dating. she laughed and understood. i was extremely relieved but the embarrassment i went through internally was horrifying.
|
have a weird thing about farting around gf. dutch ovened her in my car. didn't take it as bad as i thought
|
trying to be a good boyfriend.
|
Title:trying to be a good boyfriend.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this happened my freshman year of high school. my mom is a high school math teacher and actually taught at the same high school i went to at the time. one day she asked me to help her grade papers, which i agreed to. i naturally took advantage of this opportunity to inject some old fashioned teenage humor into their math quizzes. i was grading this one kids work and he obviously didn't know the answer to the problem. i can't remember exactly what he put but i deemed it worth of a "wtf?"
yeah i wrote it on this kids paper.
so these get all handed back to the respective students.
the next day that kid asked my mom what it meant. at that time my mom had no idea what it stood for. apparently when she told her students that she let me grade papers for her they all burst out laughing and told her that they thought so.
so this is literally going on in the room next to the room i was in that day. my mom knew this so she pulled me out of class. i didn't know what was up at the time but i could tell she was pissed. she asks what "wtf" stood for and that's when it hit me. i said it stood for "wow today's friday." which in my defense, it was a friday.
she wasn't buying it and needless to say was not very pleased with me.
both my parents were pretty upset actually. they were worried my mom could lose her job. i had no idea something so little could be so serious!
turns out the kid was totally cool with it and thought it was funny. his mom even talked to my mom about it and thought it was funny and admitted it not being a big deal.
here's the kicker... the mom waited until after grades were posted to tell my mom's boss (head of the math department) about the little incident. apparently so my mom wouldn't tamper with her son's grade.
let me say my mom would never imagine such a thing! she's a saint an awesome math teacher.
in the end everything ended up being fine. my mom didn't lose her job or anything.
|
math is wtf and i'm never grading anything for my mom again.
|
grading papers for my mom
|
Title:grading papers for my mom
TLDR:
|
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] |
here's the obligatory note that this was not today, but actually 2 years ago. i am just now getting over my embarassment and am ready to share the story because now i can laugh about it while i cry about it.i may go into a small rant, but i'm just trying to be detailed. so here we go.
by junior year of highschool, i feel secluded from my friends because i haven't had sex yet. now i know it's really not a big deal and all to lose your virginity, but at the time it sucks being the only one in a group that hasn't. so we're off of school for spring break and one of my friend's girlfriends said to me that she has a friend from another state coming to visit, let's call her anna, and some of my friends joke like, "oh maybe you will finally get laid." i laugh it off even though it hurt. my buddies girlfriend decides to play cupid and actually tries to get anna to like me before she even came. i didn't get my hopes up because i saw a picture of her and she was stunning so i thought i had no chance. she is definitely out of my league.
fast forward and we go out, just me, my friend, his girl friend, and anna. i decided i have nothing to lose because chances are i'll never see her again after she leaves for back home. anna and i go to smoke a cigarette and while alone i tried kissing her and to my surprise it worked! then we were together macking on each other the whole night out and i was happy just with that. she ended up coming to my house afterwards and at first i was too scared to try anything so we just stayed in the living room making out.
at this point i've had a stomach ache for a while and had the shits the couple days before. i had gas but i refused to let a single fart slip while around anna. basically every hour it was getting worse.
i finally manned up to take her upstairs and to my room. we get physical, and i was really nervous. when we finally took our clothes off and started having sex i realized it's not as easy as porn makes it look. she literally has to keep guiding my penis into her vagina and i kept slipping out. she told me i can do whatever i want but i suck at every position i try. i'm embarassed but anna was awesome and she just told me to relax and she rode me for a while. to my surprise i didn't explode in 1 minute, but i actually lasted longer than i ever have masturbating. now anna takes my condom off and starts giving me a blowjob.
now, she did say i can do whatever i want and i wanted to return the favour while she blows me. i ask her if we can 69 and without hesitation she rotates and gets over me. i could feel my stomach was ready to burst from all the gas in it at this point, but i was really horny while slobbering (terribly) at her beautiful vagina. i get ready to finish and i told her. i expected that she would finish with a hand job or something because i didn't know how it works. my plan was when i cum i was going to get all the cum in the condom. whelp she decided to swallow it (i thought that was pretty much only in porn) and keeps sucking too, and oh god did if feel amazing. my legs were shaking and it felt great.
can you guess what happens next? well during this moment of ecstasy i forgot about my bowels and all the farts started coming out. i tried to stop but it was too late. after the preliminary farts, the diarrhea shot out and splattered everything: her fore head, nose, eyes, my legs, and my white sheets in a vile chocolate sludge. she immediatly screamed and ran into my bathroom shower while i laid in my filth and literally cried.
i get up and take the sheets and matress protector off the bed and threw them into the corner. i walk into my bathroom to see her cleaning shit out of her hair while puking in my shower. i cried again in front of her and tried to appologize profusely, but i could barely say a word.
i run into another shower to wash off and i try to go as fast as i can because i know shes going to be in my bathroom for a long time cleaning her hair. i cry as a scrub myself off as fast as possible. i got as clean as possible then waited outside the bathroom for her to get out thinking of all the things i'm going to say. she comes out and i look at her like deer in headlights and she slaps me then leaves. she didn't have a car and didn't know where she was, but she left.
i cried more that night then any night in my life.
when my friends asked me what we did i just said we made out then went to bed, all while praying she wouldn't tell anybody what happened. i never heard about it again and never saw her again.
|
i hook up with a girl that's visiting from another state through a friend. she comes to my house with me that night. when we go to have sex she says i can do anything i want. we 69 and when i finish she keeps sucking and all my bowels were released over the bed, my leg, and her face. ever hear of tongue punching a fart box? i'm pretty sure i fart punched her tongue box. many tears were shed.
|
getting shit all over the place my first time having sex, including on the girl.
|
Title:getting shit all over the place my first time having sex, including on the girl.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i have been dating this girl for a few years and we are also best friends. we talk about everything and super chill about everything, except for porn. she thinks it's normal for guys to do it, but not this guy. she thinks its too brutal and the one time she decided to be bold and wanted to watch porn together, but we couldn't find anything "loving" or "nice" enough. lol
anyway, i have an iphone and an apple tv and any time i want to show her something (in this case it was the deflate gate scandal), i airplay the video to the tv. later that night i went to bed and really wanted to get a good night sleep. she wasn't in the mood for bones so i decided to go it alone...
once i realized the video wasn't playing on my phone, i jumped out of bed and raced into the living room. there is was - some busty blonde spreading her legs and moaning as loud as she could. i turned off the tv and just stood there in front of her not knowing what to say or do.
until now, she thought i hadn't masturbated since we got together, minus long breaks apart. this just proved not only that that was not true, but i was willing to do it in the room next door. bold move, i know.
the incident actually started a dialogue and lead to us having sex more often. so i have that going for me...which is nice.
|
the title. words of advice: turn off airplay when you watch porn on your phone.
|
watching porn with airplay still turned on while my gf was watching tv. nsfw
|
Title:watching porn with airplay still turned on while my gf was watching tv. nsfw
TLDR:
|
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] |
can't type at the moment. will post more later.
moral of the story, let the drone land by itself.
proof:
http://imgur.com/tqvmavf
http://imgur.com/s6rvixx
|
tried to catch a flying drone, it didn't go well.
|
trying to catch a drone
|
Title:trying to catch a drone
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, basically, i posted a picture of myself on facebook showing my progress in regards to losing weight over the past 5 or 6 months. it was all thanks to two friends of mine who motivated me to go to the gym and continue to push myself. without them, i couldn't be any happier than i was before, up until this point. once i posted my progress on facebook, he came along and asked "no love for your personal trainer?" so, i thought i would just joke around with him and thanked him on my picture, which said "thanks to this guy because i don't know..." 50% to 60% of our conversations have always been joking around, so i thought it was just for fun posting this. apparently, he didn't think it was a joke and took me seriously. i updated my post of the picture, showing my true appreciation by thanking him along with some other friends, but he decided to untag himself, which i was confused about.
after i got out of work, i planned to work out with him, because that's what we usually do after both of us got nothing going on for the rest of the day. when i saw him, he said "get out of my sight, what you did was bullshit." i asked him what's wrong, and it was directed at that facebook post. i told him i was just joking around, but he said "just work out on your own." feeling displeased, i decided to just leave the gym.
he basically doesn't want to see me anymore. a close friend of mine for so long, no longer wanting to see more, all because of some stupid joke i posted on facebook. i lost the motivation to go to the gym further up to this point and i keep saying to myself it's all my fault. i promised myself to never make any more senseless or fun jokes, regardless of whoever i'm talking to.
|
i posted a progress picture on facebook, my friend asked where the love was because he helped me out, i jokingly said "i don't know" on the picture, he got pissed, he doesn't want to see me anymore.
|
joking around with a close friend on facebook
|
Title:joking around with a close friend on facebook
TLDR:
|
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i have never been a morning person. this morning, my girlfriend (who i recently started seeing again after a complicated breakup) and i were lying in bed when she started commenting that her boobs are small.
i wrapped my arms lovingly around her and whispered warmly in her ear, "baby, you know i don't care about that."
she immediately says, "welp" and gets up to take a shower. she later told me she was just kidding and that if she was actually offended i'd know about it. i still feel shitty, though.
edit: clarity
|
my girlfriend said her boobs were small and i lovingly agreed
|
agreeing with my girlfriend
|
Title:agreeing with my girlfriend
TLDR:
|
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i'm visiting some friends at another school, "mary" and "dave". we're all staying in mary's room since her old roommate moved out. we're all hanging out in mary's common room with her roommates, chatting, she's drinking a little.
like an hour earlier, my friend and i spent 20 minutes blowing up and tying off 2 condoms, which mary quickly popped! but hey "we've got 2 more" if we want to do it again.
so we're all joking around about i forget. dave and i have known each other for 3 years, and we're not gay, but we'll make jokes about us hooking up, being in love, just stupid jokes. and i say:
"don't worry. we've still got 2 condoms and mary's a really heavy sleeper."
no one heard the joke the way i meant it. now i'm the guy from another school who makes rape jokes that are too real to be funny.
|
staying in female friend's room with male friend & her , said "don't worry, we've still got two condoms and [our female friend] is a heavy sleeper" that was totally misunderstood
|
accidentally making a rape joke.
|
Title:accidentally making a rape joke.
TLDR:
|
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] |
happened a couple months ago, but it haunts me to this day.
so, it's my first week at college, and i'm going through that "must make friends" phase and i'm talking to everyone. in my first class, i meet this really cool girl. she's into the things i'm into and she's really easy to talk to. immediately am attracted to her. her name will be known as "katie".
while katie and i are talking, another girl (who will be known as "sam") walks up to us. she seems cool too and we all hang out that day.
katie ends up going home early, so sam comes home with me, and we watch netflix for a few hours.
the next day, the cycle repeats, but i'm starting to see some things i don't like in sam. she's very annoying. like when i say very annoying, i mean extremely so. she's slightly socially awkward, and very impulsive, so she ends up saying and doing things that i saw as both extremely stupid and offensive. that combined with some physical things about her, made me develop an aversion to her.
nonetheless, we end up alone in my room, and thinking with my dick, i offered sex and she immediately agreed. her response was " why didn't i think of that " lol ok chick.
we have sex, which, surprisingly was pretty good. but i immediately regret it afterward. my own dislike for her and regret for sleeping with her, combined with the fact that my friends wouldn't leave me alone for having slept with her made my aversion for her grow exponentially over the next few days.
a couple days later, i'm sitting in my best friend's room watching totoro, when suddenly, i get a text from katie. it says "do u want to fuck 2 girls". note: before this text, my relationship with katie consisted of nothing but talking about our favorite shows and our homework. so naturally, this piqued my male curiosity, and i go over immediately. lo and behold, the second girl she was talking about was sam. turns out katie got very drunk that night and sam told her about our little affair. being that she was so drunk (and because sam was there) i decided to just take her home and call it a night.
after this incident, a couple days go by, and i'm making my usual rounds to my best friend's house. along the way, i spot sam and katie talking to what is, in essence, a bigger, blacker version of me. immediately, my male jealousy kicks in and i ask what's going on. the guy (who will be know as " ben " from now on) tells me that the girls were asking him to a threesome. the girls nonchalantly confirm this. before i'm able to say anything, sam invites me to join them. a combination of jealousy and testosterone hijack my higher order thinking and i immediately agree.
we end up going to bens room and things get heavy pretty quick. but before anything can happen the girls step out for a second. while the girls are gone, ben, who turns out to be a really cool guy talks with me. we talk about the game plan, and i tell him how i can't stand sam, and really want katie. ben says he understands, so i assumed the matter would be cleared up. in this timespan of maybe 10 minutes, bens roommate comes back, so we end up moving to my room.
when the girls get back, we resume right where we left off, and clothes start coming off. then when the sex is actually about to start, ben immediately grabs katie, leaving me with sam. everything happened so fast, i didn't even protest, i just walked sam over to my bed, without thinking about it
so, when i realize what's going on, i know for a fact that i'm not going to be able to get it up: i cannot stand sam, and katie is about to get fucked right in front of me. so, i try my best to forget everything, and just work on sam best i can, trying with all my might to get a boner for about 15 minutes. nothing. meanwhile, i hear the loudest moaning and slapping sounds coming from the other side of the room. all while i sit butt ass naked, with a limp dick next to a girl a can't stand, talking with her about the meaning of life. after all the sex is over, all 4 of us end up sitting on my bed singing disney mother fucking show tunes. fml
then i end up eating lunch with ben everyday. . . and i also end up having sex with katie about a week later.
|
i agreed to a mmff foursome, and couldn't get it up while the girl i liked got fucked right in front of me
|
agreeing to a foursome
|
Title:agreeing to a foursome
TLDR:
|
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] |
they're never actually today right? sometimes you read another tifu and all of the memories come back to you. i applied for the railroad sometime in the spring of 2003, months having gone by now. february 2004 i hit play on my answering machine(feels so weird to say that, like mentioning pagers or something), the railroad has left me a message to call them. it was so long after having applied i actually forgot ever doing so. i was more afraid that i had ran a crossing inadvertently or perhaps they pieced some things together and found video surveillance of me doing graffiti in a rail yard on their trains as a youngster.
turns out, they were inviting me to a hiring session. this is awesome, i wanted this job like none other. problem was, i was smoking weed on a daily for months and months having given up on them calling. they informed me i would need to show up to a holiday inn in two weeks time where i would be screened alongside 120+ other potential candidates. to my surprise, after all was said and done i was offered a job. they informed us of a "federal drug test" they would be sending us to a lab for, and "it's accurate as far back as six months" the woman says. "don't waste your time or ours if you know you cannot pass this test"
i wasn't about to let *that* stop me. three others and myself were hired, i felt like i had won the lottery(if only i could pull this one rabbit from a hat, i could collect on it). so i go home with an appointment to drug test in a few days. researching online with keywords such as "federal drug test" i begin to realize the only thing that even appears to resemble what she could have been talking about was a hair follicle test. alright, so i just have to shave every single bit of hair on my body then right? they'll be forced to take urine or nothing from me. i have a good three weeks or so clean, been drinking heaps of water, golden seal, pickle juice, i got this! i'll tell em i'm a swimmer, fuck it.. i have to pull this off!(i'm not sure there's ever been a 6'3" 266 lb hairless competitive swimmer but i was about to be one for a day if it was going to land me this job)
i read some comments online about how they'll go after any hair they can find on your body if need be. day before my test, i begin to shave. i shaved my head, beard, armpits, pubes, chest, legs, butthole(**never** do this, itches like crazy for at least a week as it grows out), eyebrows, clipped off my eyelashes(**never** do that! they catch on one another for weeks as they grow out, it's horrible!) i got it all except for my back(shout out to my younger brother john, always havin' a brutha's back). so i'm fuckin set right? "i'm a swimmer, i shave everything.. i need whatever edge i can get.. oh, the hair? yes, i know.. i'm a swimmer, it helps me glide through the water better" i'm practicing my response, i'm gonna nail this shit!
next day comes, i arrive to the lab early lookin' all [bob geldof](http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/m/mv5bmje5mdy5otu4n15bml5banbnxkftztcwotc2nty2mg@@._v1_sx640_sy720_.jpg). i'm eventually called into the back - "alright, i'll need you to remove everything from your pockets and place them in this drawer. wash your hands right here, there's a restroom there you'll use. do not flush, do not run the sink you can wash up out here when you're done. take this cup, fill it up to at least this line"
i shaved my butthole, pruned my eyelashes, got one step closer to m4m incest than i ever imagined i would, underwent weeks of itchy eyes/itchy asshole, only to be handed a cup to piss in. i passed the test, got the job. they brought in new hires from all over the state to stay at a hotel for three weeks(our class was held in a conference room there). one night a few days into class, the classmates and i are out in the hot tub relaxing when i happen to notice jeff across from me has a shaved head... he.. doesn't have any armpit hair either? no eyebrows, wtf.. this guy, he's so chubby and smooth! i didn't want to put him on blast, but it was nice to know i wasn't the only competitive swimmer they hired.
tl;dr went "seal smooth" for a drug test that only required peeing in a cup. wasn't the only "seal smooth" dude.
[edit] sought a little help with the
|
. hence the result of comments below.
|
shaving every single hair on my body for a "federal drug test"
|
Title:shaving every single hair on my body for a "federal drug test"
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this tifu happened last summer, don't judge me.
last summer my then girlfriend had come down to my small town to stay with her aunt for the entire break before she started her ems training. we had met through her cousin and things were going great. (movies, dates you know, the usual). eventually our mutual attraction inevitably led to sexual exercise anytime we could.
now before i go on i have to say. i have always been a jokester. sometimes my jokes are funny and some times they are extremely dark and misplaced...
anywho. we were in my room one day when my parents were out and things were heating up. so i began to finger her. she was laying on her back and i beside her, i was trying out different motions with my middle finger. but then suddenly i remembered something a friend had told me. he said. "always ask her how your doing in a soft sexy voice".
so here is the fuck up. due to my brain being wired absolutely wrong and not being able to seperate the funny times and the serious ones i say "are you feeling it mr. krabs?". in a soft sexy tone. and i lose it. i just fucking lose it. just me saying that led to me laughing hysterically and falling on the ground, fingers still soaked in love juice.
needless to say, she didnt think it to be very funny. however, no this was not the reason we broke up.
|
i said a very out of place joke in a soft sexy tone and almost died.
|
being a funny prick at the wrong fucking time.
|
Title:being a funny prick at the wrong fucking time.
TLDR:
|
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my grandmother is italian, hence a short, hairy, hobbit like creature at her old age of 90. dont misunderstand, i love my grandmother, but i'm simply trying to describe her and thats the best way how to. she is 4 foot 9 inches and her goatee is way thicker than what i could grow. not kidding, my dad brought a norelco to shave her face. she has dementia (alzhiemers) and at this point she is living in a nursing home with my grandfather. he has parkinsons; he shakes and she forgets.
anyway, every weekend we go and pick them up in our family minivan and go eat somewhere. dad is outta town, just me, mom and sis, we are headed to her favorite breakfast spot bob evans.
when we get there, grandpa is showing my mom mail he recieved (mail is a huge deal...did you know that he was selected for a rare offer involving newly minted silver coins?). i am impatient, as usual, and i start guiding grandma toward the door. my mother yells at me to wait, so i do. my grandfather has to go to the bathroom. ok, sister waits for grandpa while mom and i will get gram gram to the car (she walks at a snails pace).
grandma walks just fine as far as i know, just very sloooooowly. but she sometimes seems to forget she can walk, and the nurses just plop her in a wheelchair. i never quite understood why they did that. but my mother always guides her around holding her hand.
so we are in the lobby, my mother goes to fetch the car (to bring it right up to the front door) and i walk my grandma outside, again...holding her hand. the area outside is a circular drive, and the walkway from the door to the driveway has just the *slightest* downward grade to it. mom pulls van around, i go to put grandma in and, "wait". again. mom tells me to wait. fine. im standing there with grandma, holding her hand, as she runs into the nursing home looking for my grandpa and sister.
after a couple minutes, i'm impatient, i let go of grandma's hand to go peer into the nursing home to see where they hell they are. in the five seconds i let go, she slowly (as if in slow motion), falls over....**and then rolls under the van!**
little did i know, her equlibrium was going on her so her balance comes and goes. hence, nurse throwing her into a wheelchair. her standing on the slighest downward grade was enough to make her topple over.
she is now moaning as i pull her from under the van and help her slowly get back on her feet. she has a cut on her head, a smear of blood is under it, and she is generally pretty scrapped up on her knees and elbows.
the nurses come running out, my mom comes running out, my sister comes running out...it seems like everyone in the building comes running out to ask me..." what happened?!"
"i let go of her hand for a second, and she fell down and rolled under the car."
the looks i got from people, you might figure i just said that i karate kicked her over for my own evil amusement!
well, anyone that has cared for an old person in their lives knows whats coming next. an ambulance. yep, gotta take grandma to the er to make sure she didnt rupture, tear, break or sprain anything. because in addition to being 90 (health wise she is actually in relatively good shape) she has dementia. so if she was hurting, she may not be able to explain it. so forget breakfast, its time to go to the hospital! after spending 30 minutes getting dirty looks from the care staff, i got to spend the next hour getting lecutures from er nurses about how you "just can't leave your grandma alone."
turns out that she is fine, she just had a few bumps and bruises. however, her being an older lady it means she has massive purple bruises...old people bruise like crazy! the underside of her right arm is totally purple. i felt awful and kept apologizing to her, but she would just pet my head, ask me questions in italian and generally be confused about who i was and where she was.
however ya know what the worst part of all this is? my mother is a former er nurse at the hosptial we are at. so she knows like half a dozen people working there. *and we vacation with some of them!* so this story is absolutely guranteed to get back to my friends and family. "guess who brought his grandma into the er all scraped up and bleeding today?". i can hear them talking about me right now.
atleast my grandpa didnt hate me, he was the only one. he blames my grandma for everything and since i was his first grandchild he loves me the most. so...atleast grandpa has my f*cking back!
**
|
** if you let go of an old person's hand they might fall and roll underneath a vehicle, and then they whole world will hate you, like they did me.
|
i stopped holding my grandmothers hand for 5 seconds.
|
Title:i stopped holding my grandmothers hand for 5 seconds.
TLDR:
|
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] |
sorry for formatting, over-detail, etc., currently on mobile.
obligatory "this happened tuesday."
so the dinner for the night was bacon cheeseburgers. hell yes. once mom plated them and etc. i noticed the meat was a bit pink. i didn't think about it again. i scarfed down my food like normal. i fall asleep about four hours later at 10 pm.
i wake up wondering why my 5 am alarm didn't go off. i figured i'd might as well just go take my morning shower. i grabbed my towel and my pile of clothes and walk towards the bathroom. i go to grab the doorknob to leave my room and notice my watch reads 12:02 am. what the hell am i doing. i throw my clothes back where they were and fall back asleep.
two hours later, i pull the same stunt again. this time i got as far as setting my clothes on the bathroom counter and my hand was reaching for the hot water knob in the shower. i notice my watch says 2:03. did i *really* just do it again? i notice how bad i feel. my stomach is sour. my head is throbbing. i return to bed hoping it'll get better by the time i wake up again.
at roughly 4:45 am, i stare at my phone for the 15 minutes until my alarm finally goes off. once it does, i get up and just stare at the floor for awhile. i don't even know what to do. i'm so out of it. after like ten minutes of that i tell my mom i can't go to school because of my stomach and go flop back onto my bed. i suddenly realize i left my clothes in the bathroom. i groan and reluctantly retrieve those. i felt worse. i think back to that yummy bacon cheeseburger. then i remember the pinkish meat.
here's where the fun part begins.
at 5:50 am, i, again, wake up. but thod time with an overwhelming urge to drop a dukey. i run to the bathroom with diarrhea dripping down my ass cheek barely making it. there's a little bit on the floor and in my underwear. i'm way too tired for this. my stomach starts getting really upset. oh no i'm gonna throw up. the bathtub? no... between my legs into the toilet? too messy... oh thank god there's a trash bag hanging from a drawer. i shove my face in the bag and immediately start hurling as loud as my lungs can go. i feel capillaries tearing in my face. this is horrible. as i'm calming down sitting on the pot i realize: this is friggin' food poisoning. i just sit there on the toilet seat for a bit zoned out. i waddle to the window in the bathroom and open it wide. i hear my 6:00 alarm go off in the adjacent room through the bedroom door i so hastily opened. oh no i gotta get up now. i wipe my ass like ten times and clean the floor. i throw my underwear in the trash bag i threw up in earlier and put my pajamas back on commando style. i go back to the room and slap on the pair of underwear from the pile of clothes i carried around all morning.
here comes the best part.
i browse reddit on my phone for awhile while holding my farts in because, one, they're not farts. and two, i don't wanna deal with that crap (no pun intended) again. my reluctancy to go to the bathroom backfired. i felt like i was going to explode. i ***run*** to the bathroom and ***projectile shit*** all over the closed toilet. there's feces all over my legs, pants, toilet, walls, sink, door, probably the ceiling, everywhere. i strip to my bare ass and take a shower, where i finish unloading my diarrhea. that's probably really gross to you, me included, but i just didn't care. my intestines are filled with material the consistency of water, there's a drain, running water, it was the easiest clean up all day. i didn't care. i just shat. then i also threw up. no regrets.
after relaxing in the shower, i feel refreshed until i'm greeted with a shit coated toilet. i'm standing there soaking wet without a towel wasting rolls of toilet paper cleaning my toilet. my mom starts frantically knocking at the door and i stand there like a deer in headlights. i clean up the last bits that are visible. while she's in there i grab my towel, paper towels, and lysol. putting the lid down reveals a thick layer of brown and yellow. after cleaning that mess, i lysol **all the things**. the whole bathroom smells like shitrus still.
so that was my morning.
i woke up so sick
i shat all over the walls
and hurled in the shower
|
haiku**
|
eating a cheeseburger
|
Title:eating a cheeseburger
TLDR:
|
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] |
it was a saturday night
i got thirsty, so i went to the fridge and lo and behold,we have milk. me, being the lazy and selfish ass that i am, drank the milk from the box. and so i drank, letting all that milk flood my mouth. at first, it didn't taste like anything but then, the sour notes of spoiled milk came to my tongue. i was horrified. the sink was too far away and no way in hell will i spit this out on the floor(lazy) so i drank the milk and all of its spoiled glory.
ps to think about it, it tastes like yogurt
|
drank spoiled milk from the box, forced to swallow it.
|
drinking milk
|
Title:drinking milk
TLDR:
|
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] |
this was actually about 15 years ago.
early in college, i worked at an art supply story. one of the managers was this woman about 10 years older than me (we'll call her dawn). we were pretty good work friends, but we didn't hang out much outside of work except in a group. she got married to her high school boyfriend and they had a couple kids almost right away. one day he decided it would be cool to just move his girlfriend into the spare bedroom (without first asking dawn first). for some reason, dawn tried to make it work for a couple months, but eventually they got divorced.
by this time, i had taken a job somewhere else. dawn called me up, told me about the divorce, and asked if i wanted to get a drink. i had just turned 21 and was going through a breakup myself, so i though it would be nice to have the company. we met up, and we chatted. it was pretty fun, so we did this a couple more times in the next few weeks.
here's where i really fucked up: one day she said her therapist suggested she date a younger guy just casually for a while to get back on the horse. i said yeah, that's probably not a bad idea. it never occurred to me that she meant me.
out of the blue one afternoon i get a call from her just as i get home. she bursts right into it, "are we dating or what?" it hadn't even *occurred* to me that we were. she was formerly my boss, we had been friends for a while, and i just wasn't into her. i stumbled for a while but said, "i...i didn't think so, no." she hung up. she never called me again and never answered if i called her. i haven't seen her since.
|
friend goes through a divorce, and to help, i just make her feel rejected all over again.
|
trying to help a friend through a divorce
|
Title:trying to help a friend through a divorce
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened earlier this week. i was doing a group project online and we were collaborating using video conferencing. we took a snack break, the computer is in the bedroom so i went to the kitchen to make a sandwich. while in the kitchen my gf comes home from work, we say hi. i tell her that i'll be working on my project for about an hour. she says no problem, she'll just take a quick shower and watch some breaking bad. while i'm making my snack i hear the shower start and as i return to the bedroom with my snack she's just putting on a t-shirt and heading out to the living room. i sit at the desk, start eating and talking about the project. my friend sends me a text saying my gf just walked in stripped naked then left came, back and then got naked again before leaving. it happened so fast and he didn't want to say anything as to not freak her out. no one else mentioned anything so i don't know how many of the 4 others saw but i felt very shitty.
|
; i left the webcam on during a school project and my gf gave a free cam show
|
having my girlfriend give a striptease to my classmates
|
Title:having my girlfriend give a striptease to my classmates
TLDR:
|
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] |
**this post was deleted on the weekday, by popular request i'm reposting it on the weekend to not break rule 11.**
so a little back-story before we get into this menagerie of fun. me and my coworkers overnight have a twisted game we call "ninja shits" basically your objective is to fart on a participant and make it to the end of the aisle undetected and you get a point. let's just say **i'm really good at this.**
so this previous night i've gotten 3 points and i'm feeling the gut funk swell up that is about to shatter someone's dreams. at this point the store is open so we do have to avoid the few customers we get early in the morning. but i see him! ryan! oh sweet mercy i'm barely able to contain the monstrosity brooding in my colon. i check both ways before i make my approach to make sure no innocent people are caught in the crossfire. and the perfect moment strikes he's trying to get something way in the back of a low shelf turned away from me. i start tip-toeing my way behind him. at that moment i knew i had to let it rip. i prepared for it using my special butt clenching technique that prevents your butt cheek's flapping around, effectively silencing the fart. and then it started to seep out. by the gods just the way it felt coming out was like a hot steamy miasma from the depths of hell itself, assured me that this was a fart that could land me in violation of the geneva conventions. i stepped away quietly while ryan was completely unaware of the biological abomination i left wafting in my wake. i stood around the corner, waiting for what seemed to be hours.
then it happened i hear him go "oh my god!" followed by gagging, at this point i'm figuratively dying from holding in my laughter. then the unthinkable happens he actually vomited. i go around to make sure he's okay. my stomach sank, **it's not ryan**... thankfully he did not see me as he was still hunched over, i went and got a mop. this guy was pretty much in our exact uniform same color/jeans/even the crappy work approved anti-slip shoes we wear. of course the shirt was different on the front but i had no idea. to top this he apologized to me! i felt so bad, i still feel bad...
edit: wow thanks for the gold, not sure how i feel about getting it for ruining some random guys' day.
edit: put my gold to good use http://www.reddit.com/user/fateful/snoo
|
me and my coworkers play a twisted fart game. i end up pretty much shitting on a customers' backside i mistook for my coworker. he vomits, i clean it up and he apologizes to me.
|
farting on a customer...
|
Title:farting on a customer...
TLDR:
|
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] |
well, yesterday.
update for day 2 here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2uev9k/tifu_by_throwing_away_the_wrong_box_part_2/
pt 3 here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2uii4a/tifu_by_throwing_away_the_wrong_box_and_getting/
*latest update: 10:28*
**edited tl;dr: i threw out 5 years worth of company work. and 4 hds worth of coke. dave cheating. jim dealing. i'm fucked. plan is to break in tomorrow to retrieve hds if it's not too late. dealing with it tonight by drinking. dave at mistress's i'm on couch.**
i'm a manager of the it 'department' (there's 3 of us) for an archiving company, and we're on the up! as we've expanded we started to outgrow our old office space (just one floor), and so the decision was made to move to a new place. which was exciting for a lot of reasons, not least i get my own office now, plus it's a new building, all leased by our company, etc.
as a consequence, last week was very busy getting everything packed up ready for the move. as the directors were keen on minimizing down-time, we agreed that the it department would set up everything this weekend (as much as possible), and get a couple of extra holidays in lieu, plus another couple as a bonus.
we'd been in the old building a few years and as such had collected a lot of crap, which i made the decision wasn't worth taking to the new building (costs money to transport it all, plus it's a good time to do some spring cleaning). there was a few old cables, cd drives, that sort of thing, which i plan to take down to goodwill or something. all well and good right? that's where the fu starts.
there was also a couple of generic boxes of tapes and drives i found at the back of the server room. as they contain data, and i wasn't sure what, i was keen to burn them all, but turns out the company we hired the dumpster from (there was lots of garbage to get rid of) do data disposal (apparently just some sort of industrial shredder). they came round to pick everything up late yesterday afternoon before i clocked off. most of the hds, which we have used to store data for the last 5-6 years, also went inside a box (well, inside a rack then inside a box) to be transported to the new building.
come this morning. i got in about 6 am. i thought if i get a good start i might get my extra holiday days plus tomorrow off, before a manic monday helping everyone with their computers. i open the boxes, which were transported over yesterday afternoon, and start to move the server crates. all well and good. except about 45 minutes ago i open the box with the hds in. and was met with tape disks. the last 5 years of my company's data, payroll, admin, plus the actual archived data, is gone. backups, gone. profiles, e-mails, all gone.
i'm fucked reddit. i now have 48 hours to figure out what the fucking fuck to do. i'm left with some tape disks that i can't even read (the box with the tape drives in went out along with the hds), and about 40 hours before management are expecting to come in monday morning with the server humming along nicely.
jim and dave get here about lunchtime. no idea how i keep this from them until then.
*edit #1 (9.14):* company have called back on phone right now!
*edit #2 (9.19):* the disposal company would not give me any info until i gave them the account number for the contract we used. gave me some bullshit about how it could violate any confidentiality or put any sensitive items at risk. it's garbage! so pissed. can't call anyone to get it otherwise they will know the mess i'm in. couldn't even get a yes or no as to the status of the boxes.
*edit #3 (9.25):* going to re-pack the stuff i unpacked this morning, try to make it look like nobody was here, that can at least buy me some time when jim and dave arrive. looking through laptop e-mails too to see if there's been any mention of an account number anywhere.
*edit #4 (10.25):* when i was moving boxes around (put our stuff at the back of the piles so it should give us a few more minutes here today) i found a sheet with all the details on! going to give them a call back now. will update as and when i have more info about the next step.
*edit #4 (10.35):* so. they don't do data disposal! at least not directly. the 'e-waste' as she called it is contracted out to some other company, who i have the details for and will call now. the stuff they collected was sorted and disposal/recycling has started, but the computers and hds have gone to this other company yesterday. she has no idea what they do. my info on the shredder was from the project lead. hoping it's wrong now. anyone work in the field who can let me know what you do?
ps i had no idea some people chucked away computers! jesus.
*edit #6 (10.56):* i rang and got a message saying offices not open until monday at 9. taking your advice though reddit and driving down now in case someone's there. also sent a couple of e-mails. it's about a 2 hour drive away so this will be my last edit for a while. going to tell the guys it's a family emergency or something and they will have to set things up to begin with. see you soon...
*edit #7 (11.13):* **fuck dave fucking knows fuck**
*edit #8 (13.03):* burnt rubber to get here fast, whole place is locked up though. can't see anything out the back. trying the number again. any ideas before i start the drive back? spoke to dave too, it's not as bad as i thought. he is doing one of the hr girls though: http://imgur.com/8pz8jxq http://imgur.com/hpvc9da
*edit #9 (13.11):* left a note under the door. hopefully someone gets in touch before monday morning. heading back now to figure out what to do with the rest of the fucking stuff. may have to explain to jim what the fuck is gong on but he doesn't need to know until i figure out what to do.
*edit #10 (15.08):* i'm back now, dave and jim have only been here for about an hour, all the stuffs unpacked, asked them to do a lot of the cabling and i'll figure out my next step. jim's been looking through the boxes for the hds. the box of tape disks is in my trunk.
*edit #11 (15.19):* maybe i should chuck jim in there instead of the tapes...this guy is seriously panicking wants to tell the higher ups. could i pin it on him?
*edit #12 (15.42):* i pulled the fire alarm. that gives me a few hours to think about what to do. we're heading out for a few beers and food whilst this gets sorted. dave knows. i know. sofia knows. jim doesn't know. dave hasn't told anyone. but jim looking nervous.
*edit #13 (16.39):* http://imgur.com/bnpejhv food and beers. dave is a genius. he suggested three rounds of this weird chinese liquor and now we're all a little tipsy we carry on and reveal it when he's too impaired to do anything bad. then we discuss our plan of action for tomorrow.
*edit #15 (19.02):* **omfg**. the reason jim looked so worried is because some of those drives are full of coke. contents stripped out and then sells them on as an intermediary (he said who but not making this worse now, changed 'jim's name too). uses our safe so the stuff never goes through his place long, and no-one would suspect a thing. hell i didn't. there's 4 of them that were stored with the backup hds. it's ok tho. plan is now crash at jim's then to head back down tomorrow to the facility and find a way in. no one there to let us in means no one to stop us. we can fucking do this guys!
*edit #16 (19.06):* fuck. so drunk already. fixed layout shit will update in the morning.
*edit #17 (21.48):* hitting the sack now. jim had a 'friend' come over who dropped a sack of tools off, for tomorrow i guess. did not look happy. do not want to see him right now. dave has gone round to sofia's place, i'm sleeping on the couch.
*edit #18 (04.13):* someone is banging on the door reddit. i'm scared. hungover and scared.
|
i threw out 5 years worth of work and it's probably shredded into a billion little pieces by now**
|
throwing away the wrong box.
|
Title:throwing away the wrong box.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, this happened like 5 years ago.
i was in the 8th grade and i was really bad at maths at the time, so my mother and father decided to take me to a math tutor who they knew pretty well at the time.
anyways, in that private class, we were like 6-7 of us who practiced the same thing, and well, you know what comes next, my bowels started to explode with a blast of diarrhea just waiting to come out every second.
i ask the teacher politely to use the bathroom, he told me to go and told me where the bathroom is.
i get into the bathroom, do my job, but shit is about to get real(yea, you see what i did there :]).
you know that feeling when you go to do your job, but you never check for toilet paper before you do the job?
well, that's what happened..
i panicked like fuck, i checked the whole bathroom for a toilet-paper roll, but there was none.
so what do i do now?
all my math books and gear are there, and i still have like an hour to go before the class finishes, so i go there and pretend like nothing happened, but my ass didn't think so.it itched like hell and you could feel it smearing every second more and more..
anyways, the class finished and i walked to home(which is like 10 minutes by foot away)with my legs spread like a teenage girl that's about to lose her virginity on a prom.
the feeling of ease when you step foot on your home porch is the best feeling in the world.
|
i took a crap in my math tutor's house and he didn't have any toilet paper.
|
taking a crap in a math tutor's house
|
Title:taking a crap in a math tutor's house
TLDR:
|
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] |
so we're going on a school picnic and everyone has their electronics and here i am with my iphone and my blackberry. so we're all having fun messing around and i got both my phones in my pocket and i fu by jumping into the sea with both of them in my pocket :'( *a moment of silence for the loss*. i realise seconds later run faster than ever out of the water.
|
i got 2 dead phones at home. *sniff* *sniff*
|
jumping into the ocean with my iphone and my blackberry in my pocket
|
Title:jumping into the ocean with my iphone and my blackberry in my pocket
TLDR:
|
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] |
this might be long and i have had a few to drinks so bare with me. i have been around computers since before they were a thing. my father has and will always be a computer guy. often growing up he was the man people turned to when your comp needed fixing. he never charged a person a dollar but it was always done on his time. you might have got your comp back the next day. or the next month. however there was literally a problem he never solved.
he was always gainfully employed as a mechanic for a large corporation and worked his was to fairly high management but that's not the point of this post.
i feel like i missed my calling in life. i have been exposed to computers since way before the internet and when multiplayer was something took hours of messing around before one good local lan match could be had. plug and play was a term but it was a complete lie. old schoolers will know what i mean.
i am still the person people call when they can't figure something out but i feel like there is so much more to this. i knew back then that the industry was something to be watched. something to get into on the ground floor and it could lead to great things. i was way to concerned with getting tail and smoking weed to take anything else in life seriously. fact is that i love computers. can sit i'm front and plug away for days. i just wish i knew then what i know now. not even sure what this post was supposed to accomplish but fuck it. i wish i was a programmer and good for any programmer who reads it for seeing the future and captilizing on it
|
i fucked up and never pursued computers. vaginas and weed got in the way.
|
actually my entire life
|
Title:actually my entire life
TLDR:
|
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] |
okay, just going to start this by saying this was my first time going to the club. ( single letters that make no sense in place are the names of people, due to their request, i will not post their names upon this post, so the letter indicates their name as per the first letter of it. )
today i decided to go to video game club, as per friend n's request, so i debate it throughout the morning, and decide "fuck it, what could go wrong?" i tell n this and he gets so excited he tells i, and m.
skip forward 3 periods, and we go to lunch, f is there, and he has always wanted to kick my ass because of a few choice things i said about his girlfriend, that may or may not be true, he hears that i'm going to the club, which gives him a place and a time i will be at, so he goes and tells all of my exes that i will be there. so they go and have somewhat of a 'convention' to figure out what's gonna happen.
skip to the bell ringing at the end of classes, i walk out of the boys locker room, and begin down the hall. exes 1-3 are there standing in a group, no back packs and as i walk by, they follow. same thing with exes 4 and 5 when i go up the stairs to get to the classroom. as i enter the room, f closes the door, while everyone else looks at their desks. all 5 of the exes are in the room, and so is f. i will give you the
i am home right now, in pain, because i fucking told someone i'd do something, i hate it when i promise shit....
tl;dr promised friend i'd go to club, enemy heard of it, got all my exes together and beat the ever loving shit outta me.
edit: spelling and pictures.
http://imgur.com/pmkbioq
edit: removed face, more spelling errors fixed.
got a call from the pd today, we are pressing charges, and we are scheduled to go in on wednesday.
update: won't have to see those fuckers for another 6 to 7 months, and i am in almost full recovery, my current distance without severe problems is 1.42 miles, and this is without my inhaler. forgot to mention, they hit so hard that when i took the blow, a few fragments of my ribs got so close to my lungs and heart i could have died within minuites. yeah.
|
version. i now have 3 broken ribs, a shiner, a hairline fracture on my clavicle, and massive internal bruising on my left side, and arm.
|
going to video game club. tl;dr at bottom.
|
Title:going to video game club. tl;dr at bottom.
TLDR:
|
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] |
tifu is actually almost 20 years ago in what we call year 7 in uk schools and is such our first year in secondary education from 11-16. one such new lesson on the agenda is pse, personal and social education where we discuss all those embarrassing things such as penis's and vagina's, which at 11 are so taboo, it's unreal!
you're either in with the cool club and know your girls or you don't, if you've french kissed a girl by this age you're actually held in high esteem by your peers, thus was our social circle.
back to class, last session we were given a task to learn the human genitalia inside out (pardon the pun) with elaborate diagrams of a penis which is straight forward being a guy but also of this alien anatomy being a few wavy elliptical shapes and a few stray pubic hairs on the top?!
the day of the test arrives, i'm pretty confident, i mean why wouldn't i be? despite being the quiet one i've actually kissed a girl! the same girl everyone else has but i've done 'it' too, so surely i need not revise, #sexualpro. but i have 3 labels left and i have no idea what they are! i start sweating, the rooms cold and i can feel my cheeks burning. i look around and everyone's head is down with no sweat at all. i'm going to be shunned for not knowing, my street cred and the fact i've kissed a girl and maybe touched her bum whilst doing so is soon going to be irrelevant as i actually don't know what i should! peer pressure is now on top of me to keep my standing as a cool kid in my social circle.
fuck it, there is no way i can screw this up. my very existence exists on this exam if i'm going to be a cool kid and this is everything right now in my puberty years! i did it. i somehow managed to get into my exercise book without being noticed and cheated! relief! wtf are labia, clitoris and cervix anyway...
we're marking the papers and our teacher is asking for scores, who scored 5 or less, 6,7,8,9 and finally who scored all 10? i'm the only one with all 10 correct answers and i start sweating again, i'm a nerd! i know too much, i'm actually a pervy nerd who looks at sex all the time! girls are smirking at me because i know their genitals better than they do. the teacher comes over to give me a mark of distinction, i somehow break a smile before hanging my head in victory, defeat and embarrassment for doing too well...
|
cheated on a sex education test to be as good as my friends and fit in. did better and was outcast anyway.
|
for trying too hard in sex education.
|
Title:for trying too hard in sex education.
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened about a week ago.
i (male,straight) have been with this girl for a few months. while she was at work, a good friend of mine for a few years (male, homosexual)hung out, had a bottle of whiskey between the two of us, and were obviously drunk.
in a drunken stupor, he asked if i was ever quirious about sleeping with another man. after turning him down, we understood and went our separate ways.
the next morning he apologized for (verbatim)"being such a ho", and we laughed about it. thinking the situation was funny, i told my girlfriend about it.
she didn't find it so funny. now she's paranoid about anything i do without her, thinks i look at everyone else sexually, and gets upset any time i hang out with my friend i mentioned
|
gay best friend tried to proposition me for sex, turned him down, thought it was funny, told my girl friend about it, she didn't find the humor in it
|
telling my girlfriend my best friend wanted to have sex with me
|
Title:telling my girlfriend my best friend wanted to have sex with me
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, as with most of the tifus this happened to me a good few months ago, and only now did i get the good idea of posting this. throwaway, because of a nsfw image.
it was just a normal day, i had just come home and was just helping myself to some coffee. the occasional *ring* from whatsapp was there, so i naturally decided to see what i've missed. (i only check the group chats every other day or so)
in there was just some of my friends chatting along. reaction images were used. some more vanilla, some more exotic.
i looked through the discussion, and someone sent something entirely incomprehensible. now we come to the fuck-up. i was ready to throw in [this](http://imgur.com/gallery/9j6pmxa) when my finger slightly slipped, and instead i accidentally sent [this](http://imgur.com/vnythux) (warning: nsfw image and pony porn!)
the aftermath: i'm now dubbed the "ponysexual" in that group.
|
tried to send an image on whatsapp, instead sent pony porn.
|
accidentally sending pony porn into a group chat
|
Title:accidentally sending pony porn into a group chat
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i invited a bunch of college friends over to my rich dad's house. we got slammed and i tried banging a girl i met me recently. i walked in on one of my high school friends going down on her and left it at that. we were all wrapping up the party when my dad's girlfriend (they've been together about 4 years) came in. she was supposed to be with him on a business trip to the east coast. her and my dad's bed was taken by the banning couple and i let her sleep on the guest bed instead of me. she told me i could sleep on it too. somehow she came onto me and blew me. she was supposed to come over and chat with me about the whole thing this week, but ditched. what the fuck should i do?
edit: this is what i posted before: tifu by having a party at my dad's house
so, this happened on the weekend and i'm still trying to digest it all. i go to university an hour or so away from my home town. my mom now lives a couple states away, but my dad and his wife still live there. they have a big fucking house. one i wish i grew up in. it's got the pool, movie room, huge living room, the whole she bang. anyway, my dad and his wife allison had plans for a big out of town trip, so i decided it would be fun to invite a few friends over to my dad's place for the weekend to party and try to fuck this rebecca girl. my dad won't find out. rebecca and a few of her friends i haven't met make plans to come and a bunch of my friends do too. i also invited a bunch of friends from my home town. we all end up carpooling/convoying to my dad's and by the time everything is said and done we have about a dozen people ready to party (more dudes than girls, but whatever). the night starts out with shots and a bunch of pool games. we end up playing tag and i get picked to be 'it' so i decide now is a good time to go for rebecca. i end up cornering her and get closer and closer then bam! i get hit in the back of the head by a ball. i turn around and it turns out one of my old high school friends, steve, had arrived. we all get out to do shots. more friends arrive and one of them brings a dj guy. he wasn't really that good, but he brought some good speakers and stuff and cleared the living to make a dance floor. cool. we drink some more and i decided now is the time to make a move with this rebecca girl. she's not dancing so i head to the kitchen to see where she is. she's not there, so i ask another one of my friends if he'd seen her. he says she was down by the rec room talking on the phone. i go downstairs to find her and i see her sitting on the pool table in the dark with her back to me. i don't see her on the phone so i ask her what's up and she jumps. she hops off the table and my friend steve gets up off the ground. i get a little upset but keep my cool. i thought rebecca and i kind of had some sort of attraction between us. she apologizes and my friend steve does too. rebecca finishes doing up her pants and goes upstairs but steve stops to chat with me. he asks me if there is any place he can take rebecca to be a little more alone and i give up. i be a bit, keep my crush feelings to myself, and i tell him he can have my bedroom. i tell him where it is and he takes off like a fucking rabbit. i go back upstairs to join the rest of the party and try my luck with anyone else, but it just doesn't work out. there's only a few of us left awake and the dj has now passed out on the couch. i grab some blankets out of the closet and throw them on the other couch for the rest to fight over and then i hear keys jingle at the door. my friends scurry to the living room and i am kind of lost to what to do, so i just kind of stay in the middle of the foyer awaiting what comes next. the door opens and allison walks in. she half jumps, but isn't as surprised as i thought she would be. i ask her where my dad is and she says he's out if town, so i ask her why she isn't too. apparently they were supposed to go to one of my dad's work conventions on the east coast, but they got in a big fight and she stayed behind. she explains how she went out with her friends for drinks. she reeks of booze. she sort of turns the tables and starts asking me what i'm doing here, but she sort of has a half grin in her face as i'm explaining. i tell her everything, even the stuff about rebecca. i can tell she feels sorry for me, but she looks like she wants to just go to bed. i tell her i'm tired and should probably crash, but she reminds me that my bed is currently occupied. that kind of hurt. she offers to set me up in the guest bedroom, but tells me she has to get the sheets as the bed isn't completely made. as i follow her upstairs i notice how she isn't wearing any underwear. it felt wrong, but i couldn't stop staring. her ass looked amazing in that tight black dress and every single horny scenario is running through my mind. we finally get to the guest bedroom where my mind is full of thoughts of wanting to fuck her. i calm myself down. i'm really horny now that i've lost my chance with rebecca for the night and decide to lay off. allison makes the bed for me and before she takes off, let's me know we have to talk about the party in the morning. i slip in to bed and start to drift off. i wake up to a slight knock on my door and answer with a 'hello?'. i see a shadow walk in and it turns out to be allison. she laughs as she says there is a couple in her bed passed out completely naked on her and my dad's bed and asks if she can sleep on the floor in here. i jump up and offer her the bed instead. she refused at first, but finally accepts. i take a blanket for myself to bundle up on the floor. she tells me that's not appropriate and tells me we can share the mattress. i awkwardly agree and lay down stiff with my arms and legs tight beside me. allison starts talking about how she used to go to similar parties when she was my age. she starts to reminisce more and more until she goes completely silent. after a few silent minutes i feel her hand slide up onto my waist. i try to ignore it. she now starts to slip her hand into my boxers. i don't move. i'm curious as to what she's trying to do, but remain completely still. before i know it she's pulled off my boxers completely and i can feel her lips at the base of my cock. i don't give in and she makes me cum right into her mouth. she thanks me and i pass out. i wake up the next morning in a panic and race to get everyone out of the house. i left everything a mess telling my friends allison said she would clean it up and that we should go for breakfast. after breakfast we all head back to campus. i've felt so guilty the past few days. my dad called me saying he got home last night and told me about his trip. apparently allison didn't say anything about the party. i asked him how him and allison were doing and he said fine. i assume they got over their little spat. after i hang up with my dad i get a text. it's allison. she tells me she's coming to see me tomorrow and that we need to talk. i don't know what to do.
|
had a house party while my parents were away. dad's girlfriend unexpectedly comes home and blows me. don't know what to do next.
|
having a party at my dad's house
|
Title:having a party at my dad's house
TLDR:
|
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i snorted salt as a joke at my friends house, three minutes later my dad picked me up.
my nose felt as if someone had started a small bon fire inside my nostrils, but that wasn't the worst of my troubles, my eyes were watering and my throat hurt so bad, and the taste was the worst thing i have ever felt, even remembering it to describe it makes me want to throw up. my stomach was in shambles and my whole mouth tasted like french kissing a demons asshole. it was the worst thing i have felt.
my nose was on fire, but i had to act normal for the car ride home with my dad. it felt as if satan was shatting into my nostrils, but in the midst of my great pain i had to keep up a normal conversation with my father. it was the longest and most painful car ride of my life, when i had gotten home i washed my nose out and puked. i didn't want to tell my dad i was in pain cause i snorted a shit ton of salt, because i would have been embarrassed. (that's a stupid reason but whatever)
|
don't be a fuck up and suck up salt through your nose to make a joke for your friend.
|
i snorted a shit ton of salt, as a joke of course
|
Title:i snorted a shit ton of salt, as a joke of course
TLDR:
|
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] |
although this happened awhile back, i decided to post this. it's a long read with some non key parts taken out to make sure no one can link it back. one important thing to note is that i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which manifested itself as paranoia, moody, childish and impulsive. only 20 people at my school know this, and of the 20, only 5 of them are students. not even my girlfriend knows.
**backstory**
back in my freshman year of college, i secured my first job at a cafeteria that was the most social spot on campus. working there was meh; the business wasn't organized to the best of its ability however the workers made up for the job. i never was a great employee at first, because i knew management promoted on mainly favoritism and not work ethic and skill. i studied abroad and came back, working in a retail store which changed my perspective on work ethic and responsibility to your job.
coming back, i got my old job back and was promoted to supervise the area i was in, which was a step to becoming student manager. some people were unhappy about my promotion, because i was a hard worker but liked to encourage a strict but fun environment (free range of music regardless of regulations, let workers go home early and gave them full hours if the work was fully completed and they helped the other areas close down, etc.). i was nice to everyone until they started being rude or lazy(the other supervisors ran things differently which often came up during supervisor meetings where debate would become fierce). when it came to me working with new people, i would have them work solo in a particular station to test their skills to see where they needed improvement and jump in to handle stuff when things backed up and give them pointers and tips so they could grow. i also had the rule of "if you want to listen to your music, you must earn the right to by learning how to work each station." and i do admit, my music is a mix up jpop, kpop, alternative, jrock and anything that i find catchy. i had mixed reviews, and stuck up for my coworkers even if they talked about me behind my back. i wasn't perfect.
i had a thing for student government so i ran and was elected to become an elected official in my 3rd year. since i worked and ran under the motto of "doing things because it made sense and was right for the student population--no bullshit more party" i personally began taking a less involved role in my cafeteria job, working as a supervisor, and focusing more on my elected term(i was paid for both, and could only work a max combination of 18 hours total). during my term i made a lot of enemies by publicly calling people out on their favoritism (such as granting an organization over thirty five grand for an event that had 100 people, mainly their friends and not much anyone in the campus), bullying, and doing things not for the sake of the students, but to practice politics and use students as a stepping stone to get their foot in the door in the world of politics. i know that is politics but i honestly hated this. i was known as the unpredictable master of bureaucracy because i learned all the rules to give me more time when people shot down my ideas because it didn't help their political career and i told them in public and in private that i wouldn't be a tool to do so.
eventually, i caught the eyes of the student government president in which i was appointed as a chair of a taskforce to work with student employees to improve working conditions and prevent unionization. after taking on a number of interns and committee members in each department that handled students, i gathered working reports for the eyes of me, and the vice chair which was the president of the student government which detailed average hours given, typical complaints, recorded interviews after screening the interviewees, and their policies on how to preform and how they trained. of every department, it can as no shock that the department i worked in took advantage of their students (they hired students that didn't speak up because they needed a job that was flexible and didn't eat into their schedule) and offered less benefits (free drink per 4 hour shift...) than other departments (for example the bookstore; students received 20% off of all purchases.) yet claimed to pay the highest (second highest) and more benefits (the bookstore had overpriced text books and you couldn't do inter-library loans for textbooks for classes if the bookstore had it. hence, if you had a friend that worked there, you were set.) creating a secret sub committee, i had various interns interview different employees across the cafeteria department and compiled a damming 12 page report only ultimately led to asking for 6 things:
*proper training
*proper maintenance on machinery
*better resolution of sexual harassment
*heat resistant gloves for stations that operated grills
*not be scheduled during classes.
*not to be overscheduled (payroll reduced hours to *all* students to 18 from 20 due to the department working 24+ hours a week)
i do admit i was rude about it in hindsight, which explained why a lot of them tried to get my fired or impeached; (they got me demoted and transferred to a marketplace run by the cafeteria but was soon put up for promotion in a different sub department), but i stood up for what i was elected and paid to do. during the course of the working in the marketplace, i had to call in sick a lot due to my immune system failing due to the accumulating stress of dealing with all the aftermath of politics (rape accusations, false rumors, impeachment, thefts just to name a few). keep in mind that i also struggle to deal with borderline personality disorder, which only made things worse.
now, this report was brought to the student legislating body near election season. it took 5 months, 100+ interviews, 30 surveys and countless anonymity disclosures. the students that participated in forming the report knew that if their name was on it they would get fired for. i signed agreements stating i would never reveal them to their bosses or anyone that asked. when the report was discussed with the student government, it became a shitshow real quick because aspiring government officials came and got the backing of the department to publicly shame and renounce me. the people who showed up in support chose not to say anything and/or listened in shock as i was literally made out to be a terrible person that was not respectable, spread lies and slander, and brought up all false rumors and accusations against me. live.
to make matters worse, i check one day to find i had no hours assigned to me for the week of the discussion of the report, and went to upper upper management to find out that i was under investigation and in line to be fired due to missing work. asking for my records to be brought up, i found out the supervisor who was part of the same oppositional political party of my elected peer had gone in and changed all my sick calls to no shows and added the note i was hanging out with friends when i have multiple witnesses that i was actually sick and went home to take medication and sleep. now, after that live report, i found out the next day i was terminated from my job and blacklisted. and since that debacle was recorded live, every one now sees me as a rapist (i was also investigated by the school on false accusations which made it worse when people interning there leaked to everyone about the investigation and after everything no one believed me).
to make matters worse, the people who helped create the report thanked me for trying before blocking and deleting me from social media, and ignored me from that point on trying to not get fired for knowing or associating with me.
i have since then found out i am blacklisted from working at the college(all departments check your previous employment if you worked on campus, and the person that made it their point to get me fired got promoted to manager that can speak on behalf of the department and is the one that answers the mainline for the department before transferring calls for reference checks). oh, the icing on the cake, the college is in the midwest, where the economy of that particular town sucks and every job i apply for reference checks.
**lesson to be learned**: politics shouldn't be in student government and sometimes, it's better to not call out your bosses for their bullshit even when you have the power to do so. (or believe you did)
|
i can't work in my college and my only work experience i have that spans multiple years blacklisted me. all because i joined student government and stood up for my coworkers after learning we got exploited.
|
sticking up for my coworkers
|
Title:sticking up for my coworkers
TLDR:
|
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] |
this fuck up has been been going on for 3 days so far. i currently live in china and i'm on vacation with my girlfriend in lijiang, and as any red blooded american should i've been stuffing myself with food, especially since where i'm at has much better food than where i live . however in china the sanitation is questionable at best.
day one: i began stuffing myself with as much food as i could since lots of it was looking great. however i ate some questionable meat and by later that night i was having farts that my girlfriend could taste.
day two: i woke up at 4am with a funny feeling and rushed to the bathroom. this led to a gushing flow of hot chocolate from my ass which smelled of death. this happened again by 9pm.
this area is famous for salmon and for lunch my girlfriend and i made our way to a restaurant where i proceeded to eat about 4lbs of salmon, mostly in sashimi form. after lunch i felt a funny feeling again.
for those that don't know, china has squat pots where you gotta squat and try to shit in a hole. i am disabled and gave bad balance and during another flood of chocolate love i proceeded to fart which sprayed it all over the ground behind me.
day three: i woke up this morning at 830 with another funny feeling. i proceeded to let the dam open and the rush came. however while it smelled of death it had a distinct smell with it... salmon. i ended up stinking our entire hotel room of a concoction of shit and salmon. i also woke up my girlfriend in the process and now she says she's refusing to eat salmon for a while.
|
i sprayed shit on a restaurant bathroom floor and then shit salmon in my hotel. girlfriend refuses to eat anymore salmon, a food i love.
|
stuffing my face on vacation in china
|
Title:stuffing my face on vacation in china
TLDR:
|
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] |
last night was quite the adventure. went to a club and got super wasted and woke up this morning with a massive hangover and extreme hunger.
so i wake up and sit under the shower like valerie from leaving las vegas, drink some water and puke a bit then put on some sunglasses and head out to grab some hangover food (spicy ramen works amazing)
i stumble off the bus and in a daze make my way down a little back street towards my favorite noodle shop. i can't read a single word of japanese... and that is the root of this fuck up. i stumble up to the shop and let myself in, oblivious to the sign saying its closed.
i didn't get a good look at what was going on in the room because it was pretty dark but what ever it was it was shady as fuck. as i stepped inside a big guy in a suit grabbed my hand and twisted my arm behind my back while slamming me into the wall.
after being pinned to the wall for a few seconds listening to hurried movements and rustling behind me i was let go. the adorable little old lady that serves me every weekend rushed up to me and sorry for the way i was treated, then pushed me out of the door.
i was completely dazed and confused. my thumb was crooked and clearly broken pretty badly and i was followed to the bus station by a man wearing an expensive black suit and sunglasses.
|
? went to grab some spicy ramen and got my thumb snapped by a shady ass yakuza enforcer. also sweet old shop owner lady is certainly mobbed up xd
|
stumbling into a gangster owned ramen shop.
|
Title:stumbling into a gangster owned ramen shop.
TLDR:
|
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so during winter break, i had a couple of friends come over. my friends and i are really into soccer, and we follow soccer games, learn soccer moves, etc. pretty rare in america, i know, but the sport is awesome. anyhow, so the area where i live has tables with benches surrounding it, but one of the tables broke. so now, its just the three benches surrounding it. it was 11 at night, and my buddies and i decide to fool around with the soccer ball. one of them goes to become goalie, and another provides a cross for me. it was inch perfect too. you all probably know where this is going. so i run towards for the ball full speed, and am about to convert an epic header, when pain shoots up my foot and i feel the whole world flip. my toe was stubbed on the bench. before i fell forward and ate shit, i caught myself with my hands. i was pretty fucking impressed with myself for doing a handstand, cuz i'm no gymnast, but i'm fairly fit i guess. i limp back to my house, thinking its a normal bruise. apply ice, rest it for two weeks, it'll be fine. looking back, i should have noticed that the pain was pretty abnormal, but i didn't care. we just played video games the rest of the night.
so two weeks go by, and my foot is fine. i'm back to playing soccer. i was a little slower, and i couldn't kick for shit with my left, but i decided that would come in time. another week passed, and i realized something: every time i played, it hurt like hell. so i told my mom, and she took me to the doctor. she took a look at my toe and said it didn't look too bad, but to get it x-rayed anyway. i was relieved. however, when i got back home from soccer that evening, i had a nasty surprise. my left toe was fractured. went to the orthopedics next day, and they said some of the bones in my toe were crushed. i'm now to wear a metal splint and orthopedic shoe at all times, since i can walk perfectly fine, but my toe needs to repair myself without it bending. apparently, it's serious, and if it doesn't heal in six weeks, i could be facing surgery (maybe they say that to everyone? i don't know, this is my first time breaking a bone). i can't run, can't work out, and i'll be stuck with a stupid clunky shoe for six weeks. the worst part is, my foot doesn't even hurt!
fml
|
toe fractured during winter break. wrote it off as a normal swelling, continued to play soccer for three more weeks without letting it fully heal, and now am stuck with a retarded shoe.
|
crushing my toe and not realizing until three weeks later.
|
Title:crushing my toe and not realizing until three weeks later.
TLDR:
|
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] |
earlier today i went to the dmv because my sister bought a car off the street and wanted to registered it to her name. she couldn't go because work so i went for her and to put it on my name to save the hastle. when i arrived, the line is long as always and waited around an hour before being given a number. i filled out the form about the car like when it was purchased and how much. not sure if this applies everywhere but in the state of california, everything is taxed up the booty. so i foolishly put that i paid $5,000 for the car, and suddenly i got hit with a $475 tax. to make matter worse today was the last day complete the car transfer or else the smog expires. the car won't pass the test unless someone buys a $300 sensor for it. that doesn't include the $150 for the transfer so that adds up around 925ish. since my sister likes to do things last second, the car was bought on 1/2, so i have til monday to pay or i'm gonna hit with a penalty. now this is on my name so my sister isn't obligated to pay for it.
|
always put you got the car for free. or else you wind up with a bullshit tax.
|
being honest at the dmv
|
Title:being honest at the dmv
TLDR:
|
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] |
first off, i did not receive a "happy ending". sorry to burst your bubbles. however, i feel really awful about the whole thing. it's really been eating at me all afternoon.
so, about 2 months ago my wife and i are out on a date and walk by this place (the one i went to today) and she asks if we can get a quick massage. "sure" i say. i won't get into specifics, but the experience was okay...i noticed that it was definitely all asian, and it was not listed on yelp. although, it was in a highly-populated part of town. we pass by it all the time. it wasn't bad overall.
flash-forward to today. i had a long week, so i'm walking home and pass by the shop. "i could use this right now" i thought, and went in. it was quiet, but shortly after a woman comes out and says she'll be right with me. no problem. about 10 minutes later she walks back out with her client (a female) and says to follow her back to the room. standard procedures from here on out. undress, get on table, relax and wait. got it.
so the massage itself was actually pretty good at first. then, she started straddling me and it felt weird. i mean, a tiny part of me was intrigued but at the same time i didn't know wtf was going on. then, as she's working on my back she starts going lower and lower and literally has me nearly fully exposed working pretty close to my junk. i wasn't sure what i was feeling, but it was a mixture of extreme fear/guilt and pleasure. it sucked. when she told me to turn around on my back i did so, and she was working on my legs and got incredibly close to my crotch...i couldn't help but get erect. there are some places on your body that stimulate you regardless of what you will do to fight it. she left and started talking to her co-worker and came back with a towel and i freaked out. i thought it was about to go down, and i was not going to let that happen. she said "we are about out of time. do you want to add anything more?" i said no and i would be on my way.
when i paid (in cash), she complimented me on my outfit and gave me a card. said to call back because it can get "busy" and walking in can sometimes result in long waits. i doubted it, and went on my way.
i have never felt so guilty before because i regrettably felt very aroused when she was teasing me like that. i know it was teasing because she was caressing my legs and thighs, not massaging them. i am so glad she didn't offer anything straight-up because i fear what i would have done in the fleeting moment. i am overwhelmingly relieved for that at least. i just feel so guilty because i kinda enjoyed the touching, but at the same time was terrified that i was about to cheat on my wife. i am terrified now that i'm going to get arrested or something. i am almost certain the place is not a real massage parlor just from my experience and its total lack of being listed.
anyway, i hope this guilt and fear goes away. i had no intention of doing anything to hurt my wife.
|
thought i was getting standard massage, realized it was likely heading towards a "happy ending" so i left. overwhelming guilt from enjoying the touching on my inner thighs (i'm married).
|
accidentally visiting, what i think is, a "happy ending" massage parlor.
|
Title:accidentally visiting, what i think is, a "happy ending" massage parlor.
TLDR:
|
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a few years back, i was living in a really cold part of australia called armidale. i was in the scouts, and can usually light a fire with one match. but on one particularly cold night, i just could not get the fire to light. i must have used half a box of matches and firelighter bricks. would not start. so, then i had the brilliant idea "hey, there's a bottle of methylated spirits under the sink, i'll slosh some of that in, bet that works!", so i sloshed a heap of metho on the wood, lit a match, and went to light it...
now, here's where the lack of forward thinking comes in. usually if you use metho to start a fire, you get a happy little whumpf and the fire is lit. however... metho is a volatile. and although the wood wasn't burning, it was extremely hot from all those fire lighters and failed attempts. so when i leant forward with my lit match, rather than lighting a nice safe pool of liquid metho, and getting a happy little whumpf, what the match met was actually a gaseous fuel-air mix, and i got a kkka-fucking-krummppfo which blew the door off the fire place, blew several now happily burning bits of wood into the room, set the carpet on fire, and took off all the hair on my right arm and the right side of my face. but got the fire lit, so there's that.
i'm just glad my genius brain remembered the metho under the sink, and not the petrol in the jerry can in the garage...
|
blew up my fireplace
|
lighting a fire
|
Title:lighting a fire
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this happend a couple of years ago but i thought id share
growing up ive always worn glasses and cant see to well without them. the story starts out as me and a couple friends decided to go to a theme park so i decided i didnt want to risk my glasses getting broken on one of the rides. we get there ride a couple rides and me and my buddy went to use the rest room thats when the fuck up happened. we were standing in line and he was infront of me and could see the people behind me i couldnt. so me not having my glasses on i jokingly said "man im so f***ing blind without my glasses on." rigjt after i say that i just see a look of shock on my friends face so i ask whats wrong. so i look behind me and what do i see a kid no older than 8 or 9 that was blind with his mother who shared the same look that my friend had on his face. i felt like a huge dick all i could do is apologize to the little guy but i still feel terrible about it to this day
|
was an asshole and jokingly said i was blind in front a a blind child and his mother
|
jokingly saying i have a disability infront of an actual disabled person
|
Title:jokingly saying i have a disability infront of an actual disabled person
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i was making some [hot dog and beans](http://i.imgur.com/8oipyxa.jpg) and once i mixed the hot dog pieces and beans i decided it was a good idea to taste it to see how it was coming along. at this point i had forgotten that i had the flame on high so i got a decent sized spoonful of the hot dog and beans. what resulted from this was me burning m the inside of my mouth, swallowing it all in one go (narrowly avoiding choking and also burned my throat), and spilling my drink all over the counter and stove.
|
** i managed to burn the inside of my mouth and throat with [hot dog and beans](http://i.imgur.com/8oipyxa.jpg).
|
taste-testing my dinner while making it
|
Title:taste-testing my dinner while making it
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this was a couple of days ago. nonetheless, our family occasionally has what we call "fend for ourselves" nights, where we just make our own dinner. i was home alone, completing homework, and i noticed it was getting late, and i hadn't eaten. i figured, i'll just have some pasta with pesto and bacon: simple and delicious.
so i'm cooking the bacon in a pan while the pasta is boiling away. suddenly, i forgot that i actually didn't submit my homework i was doing, so i raced to the other side of the house to submit it. all was good. went back into the kitchen, and the bacon was spitting. i mean, this thing looked like some kind of volcano. oil was splashing everywhere, so i turn the heat down, thinking it will stop, which it didn't. i'm trying to get this bloody bacon under control, when i forget my pasta is still on the heat. as some of you may know, when pasta cooks for too long, it practically becomes mush. it was quickly approaching this stage. i quickly drain it, and the bacon is popping, like it does when it heats up. suddenly, there is an almighty bang, and a hot oil soaked piece of bacon flies across the room and lands on my arm. at the time, i was carrying the drained pasta, which i dropped, so that's on the floor. i run over to the bacon and turn it off. in the heat of the moment, i go to run the pan of bacon under the tap, to try and cool it down.
well, anyone who knows about hot oil and water knows how that ended up, so i was sitting on the lounge with heaps of tiny burns of oil, and no dinner.
|
a clusterfuck of events led to me gaining multiple burns and a lack of dinner.
|
doing to many things at once in the kitchen
|
Title:doing to many things at once in the kitchen
TLDR:
|
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] |
welp. today i decided i was going to make a nice big pot of stock out of some ham bones i had in my freezer. i was so excited throughout the entire process. anyone who has ever made a stock knows, that you can spend a ridiculous amount of time just simmering, boiling, reducing, adding more water, and repeating.
i was planning on a nice 8 hour cook time, from 2-10, in order to have soup tomorrow. everything is going marvellous, i have a nice, creamy looking stock, similar to a tonkatsu stock. it smelled wonderful and tasted better. at some point, my roommate and i started watching netflix. i heard a strange noise in the kitchen and thought i should check it out, but i decided to sit around and watch some more of our show.
when the episode ended i had forgotten about needing to check and blissfully went about sitting around. that was, until the smell of burning bones and charred meat started bellowing throughout our house. there was little i could do. the once silk like soup, was now a pot with burnt ham remains smoking like a scene from apocalypse now.
i'd be lying if i said i wasn't legitimately depressed over this, and to top it off. it was all my fault. i failed as a cook, and a person today.
|
i boiled the remains of a pig and when i was bored with that, i let it's corpse burn into a smell that will fill my house for days.
|
ruining what i've been making all day out of laziness
|
Title:ruining what i've been making all day out of laziness
TLDR:
|
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so today i walked into my company hr department to drop off some paperwork. i glanced over at the hr managers office and saw the door was closed. her office walls are glass and i could see someone was inside, but i couldn't see visitors face. i did notice they had a hoodie on, with the hood pulled over their head. in the brief moment i saw it i thought it must be an ed hardy or affliction sweatshirt because the hood had brightly colored geometric patterns on it. i asked her administrative assistant who the unabomber was with the hr boss (you know the unabomber was always wearing a hoodie to hide his face). she looked at me a little surprised. the assistant told me it was an attorney hired by our company for a legal issue we are involved in. what kind of attorney wears a hoodie to a business meeting? i told her i thought the attorney's attire was really unprofessional. she looked even more surprised and told me the attorney wasn't wearing a hoodie, while i argued she was. the hr managers door finally opened and i got a good look at her visitor. turns out she wasn't wearing a hoodie, but instead was a muslim woman with a head scarf. at least it was a short walk to hr.
edit: its unabomber, not uni-bomber.
|
i thought a muslim woman's head scarf was a hoodie and called her the unabomber.
|
calling our company attorney a terrorist.
|
Title:calling our company attorney a terrorist.
TLDR:
|
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so we were leaving the barber shop my wife,son,and myself when i notice someone outside their vehicle i pull up and notice them pointing at another car then the other car cuts the person in from of me off. the lady this person hit is now taking pictures of the driver, and the license plate. i notice this check on the people in the su that was hit make sure they were ok and now the "suspect" car is in the turn lane no one behind them i roll up fast to get the license plate number to call it in.
that's when she hit the car in front of her at the traffic light. i now am aware that something is very amiss with this driver. i put my suv in park and put my hazards on instructed the wife to call the police and i was going to go check on everyone. as i approached her car i smelled alcohol heavily. she was about 35-40 years old kinda stocky and i asked if she was ok to which she replied "**sigh**" i asked her to please put her car in park and talk to us (me and the guy she hit) she then started to get perturbed.
. i asked at least 8more times when i finally said " i will not ask again please put the car in park and turn off the engine" ( pretty much testing the waters on a citizen arrest lol). at this time she put the vehicle in reverse and accelerated towards my suv with my family in it.. not happening. i dove into the window and slammed the car in park. she pulled it back in drive and attempted to run me down i then redove back in slammed it in park and tried to find where the key slot is on a impala. i found the keys and removed them.
. now the lady is crying.... here comes mystery citizen one running from a gas station yelling at me and the other guy saying how dare we put our hands on a lady.... at this point i proceed to inform her i never even touched her and she has caused 2 accidents and based on her smell heavily intoxicated. and she also tried to back into my car and also attempted to run me down. to which she replied did you call the police? duh my wife's on the phone with them.
. its at this point i am aware the drivers door is opening.... aw shit here comes trouble she started swinging at me and i kept dodging.. albeit not very well she aimed for the head everytime... mind you i am not restraint her yet she wants her keys. she's not getting them back. at this point the mystery citizen 1 is now on my side and trying to hold the lady back... now she is on the receiving end of punishment. i intervened get her off her. i grabbed her wrist spun her around and got her sitting on the curb.... i'm not trying hard as i don't want her to hurt me or herself.
. then here comes mystery citizen number 2 black guy dressed great suit and tie about 25 walks over calmest dude i've ever seen. asks me what is going on i tell him. he then taps the lady on her shoulder and asked her to please get off the median and take a seat in the back of her car... she pretty much melted under his touch. she went and sat with him till not 1 or 2 but 5 squad cars show up. they asked "where is the drunk lady. pointed to the car he walks over and begins questioning the drunk lady.
. this is when mystery citizen 2 approached my wife asked her if she was ok then approached me and the other guy and shook our hands and said have a good day fellas... dude litteraly just walked away . even the police were like who the f was that but now the officer has her in handcuffs the other squad car is going to the other person down the street to check on them.took our statements then went back to the lady... who is now doing the only thing i guess is reasonable in a drunk persons mind sitting on the curb,while in handcuffs. she begins to take her pants off. she then seriously
asked the cop to pull harder on the handcuffs. to which he replied "that will never happen" they asked if i wanted to press charges i said no. that lady's got enough problems and i don't want to be another plus she didn't really hurt me only injuries i received was a skinned knee scratched forehead and a headache.
. to head off the comments of why i would do this with my family the reasoning in my head is if i didn't stop this she was literally 1/4 mile from the highway. it was rush hour if she would have gotten on she could have killed her self and others or at the least heavily injured them. i mean her damn hood was bent at least 7"up from where it was before. also my wife lost her 1st fiance to a drunk driver and i wanted to do everything i could to prevent someone from dieing because i refused to act. also if mystery citizen 1 is a redditor your fiance was a dick leaving you there because you refused to leave you deserve better than to be left in a median.
*edit* tried best to break into paragraphs on my phone.
|
got haircut saw a wreck tailed them to their 2nd wreck got keys from driver driver beat hell outa me random people and police arrested the lady.
|
being a good citizen
|
Title:being a good citizen
TLDR:
|
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] |
living in a fairly small place, it's all too difficult to meet people who share my taste in music, and even more difficult to find people who (like me) are interested in writing/playing music. so when an acquaintance invited me to his bands practice a couple months ago, i was excited. like, in hindsight, way too excited.
the practice was kind of an audition and afterwards they said they liked my voice and officially invited me into the band. i immediately lost my shit (in a good way) and started telling everyone i knew that i was finally in a real band.
fast forward. we have a couple more practices, i think things are going well, but my style is different from the previous guy so i'm not sure. i don't hear anything from them for a couple weeks, and i get it, we're all busy with school and that.
then today i get a message from one of the guys saying they think i don't "gel" and they're replacing me with the old vocalist.
even if this is fairly dickish on their part, i've also clearly fucked up because now i face the consequences of my over-enthusiasm: having to gradually tell everyone that the band didn't work out, and questioning once again whether it's even worth pursuing my passion for music.
|
i clearly need to remember that old saying about keeping your expectations low so you don't get disappointed. or if that's not a saying it should be because it describes my life quite accurately.
|
joining a band
|
Title:joining a band
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i'm visiting my friend kevin and last night we go out for a bit of drinking with some of our mutual friends... well, a lot of drinking. after a fun night we're buzzin real nice, everyone starts saying their goodbyes but kevin and i are feelin good, we're not ready for the night to end. our friend brian who was the dd turns to kevin and i with a smile on his face and says two of the most magical words that would make any drunk gamers dick hard...
"smash bros!"
oh fuck yeah, it's on son! brian's got a big house with an awesome game room where we can drink more and melee til we pass out. on the way to brian's house kevin chimes in with "can we hit up some adalbertos?" for those who have not experienced adalbertos, it's a mexican food spot that stays open very late and a fucking god send when you got the drunk munchies at 3 in the morning. we order a feast of greasy delicious mexican food and rush to brian's house to smash it into our face holes.
after a few rounds of melee and letting our food settle brian, who is still sober, goes to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of kraken and three shot glasses. having filled my belly i lost some of that nice euphoric buzz i had going, so what the hell let's release the kraken and game on.
one shot. two shot. three shot. now take a shot when you die, five lives each.
black out.
...
this morning i opened my eyes, everything was blurry, everything hurts. kevin and brian are still passed out, character selection screen on the tv. then i felt a jolt of pain come from my stomach followed by a loud "you need to take a massive shit" rumble. oh god, i had to take a massive shit. i stumbled to the toilet and firmly planted my ass, where again i found myself releasing the kraken. angry sharts of carne asada and rum exploded from within, the stench was so bad it made me gag. i start courtesy flushing after each squirt of liquid shit oozes out of me. it smelled so bad i felt like i couldn't breath, another squirt, another flush, i just wanted to be done i started to get anxious and spam the flush. c'mon flush faster, i just want to go back to bed.
this is where i fucked up.
all of the sudden the sting of cold and wet hit my feet, muddy water was creeping accross the bathroom floor. i stood up and looked down to see a black pit of liquid shit overflowing from the toilet. apparently the kraken had released itself from brian's plumbing. it was bad. my feet and pants were wet with poison shit water, the bathroom was a gas chamber. i had to stand there barefoot, cold, and hungover plunging at the abyss until finally the kraken went down.
i cleaned up everything with windex and paper towels, showered and disposed of the shit water pants i was wearing. i still feel dirty though, dirty and shitty. sorry brian.
|
rum and greasy mexican food last night, woke up hungover with drunk shits. courtesy flushed way too many times, toilet overflowed shit water all over bathroom floor.
|
courtesy flushing
|
Title:courtesy flushing
TLDR:
|
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] |
well reddit, today i fucked up. i was getting ready to go workout at the gym and i was taking some no xplode pre workout at home, i set my shaker down (open) as this drink has expanding carbonation. i set it down on the steps to get something and i see it start to tip over, i quickly try to catch it, instead hit it which falls on the ground rolling away from me spilling on the floor for about 4 feet in a straight line.
|
knocked over my drink spilling 4 feet on the ground lost my pump.
|
knocking over my pre-workout drink.
|
Title:knocking over my pre-workout drink.
TLDR:
|
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] |
literally a half hour ago.. (so i don't know how to read fine print i guess?) got my so into got and she finally got all caught up just in time for it to come out in theatre! i thought to myself "sweet! perfect date night deal to watch not only the last 2 episodes of season 4 but the first of season 5!) i bought the tickets ($30) we got our shirts ($30) the food ($20) and now set.. gotta admit it would be craaaazy watching 3 whole episodes but let's do it.... moving onto the end not skipping past how cool it was to watch on big screen... but the second episode ends. now it's time for what we paid for, it starts to show the trailer for season 5 and i said well it's a good thing we didn't watch earlier lol the trailer then ends with all its glory and the lights turn back on and everyone gets up to leave while she is killing herself with laughter and i'm in utter shock to not have read "premiere trailer".
|
i didn't read fine print so i'm a joke to her for a long time.
|
watching game of thrones "premiere"
|
Title:watching game of thrones "premiere"
TLDR:
|
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] |
i work for a certain orange store that sells home improvement and building materials if that narrows it down enough for you. now, i may not be the perfect employee but i usually try my best and always go above for the customer as i was trained/told to do. i try and break the orange store stereotype . i was having a good day and was very productive doing packdown in the morning, because we had almost no customers due to the weather. that is until a man and his wife came in and explained how they needed help planning out some lighting systems in there new mansion of a home. when it was all said and done i had helped them for 3 hours straight and didn't forget a single item. there materials were in the $3000 range and that was about 2/3 of what they needed. they planned to come back to pick up the remainder the next day so it would have been around 4000+. anyways noticing after they left i had missed my lunch because i was too busy helping them as nobody else could have taken over because they wouldn't have known how to do the lighting. instead of taking a half hour lunch and then coming back for 10 minutes i asked to leave half hour early and was told it was ok and that next time just try to take it on time, but "good job on the sale!". they were pretty happy since the stores sales have been very low lately because of the poor weather. next day instead of being welcomed with praise and a hello i am welcomed with a seating with my manager and a write up for not following conduct. so tifu by doing my job and making the store some money.
|
fuck the orange home improvement store and don't shop there. employees don't give a fuck for a reason.
|
being a good employee
|
Title:being a good employee
TLDR:
|
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i am an awkward dude. very awkward.
at my campus today, there was an event where a hypnotist would hypnotize several members in the audience. i joked to my friends that i would go up. in the heat of the moment, i actually went up to the stage.
the hypnotist mentioned something about me being able to leave anytime. i was not paying attention to a word he said and never heard the instructions. i sat on stage for 1 hour not moving an inch while everyone else played along. the awkwardness was so heavy when i opened my eyes and stared at less than half of the original volunteers. i embarrassed myself in front of everybody on my exceptionally small campus. i am just going to hide in my bed now. best part is that my friends filmed every moment. i was the only person who sat the whole way through.
|
i am deaf and hiding
|
not paying attention
|
Title:not paying attention
TLDR:
|
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] |
so my dad is a bit of a film nut and collects movie by the dozen, especially war films. one day he goes out and comes back with an air rifle, customised sharpened bullets and a few targets along with a box to hold them. now him and my brother go out every saturday afternoon and lie in the dirt and shoot a target at about 150 meters.
one afternoon i was invited to join them and decided why the hell not?! i am a pretty good sniper in cs:go so why not try it once in real life? although i hate guns in real life for their power to take away life, i reasoned with myself that an air rifle isn't a proper gun.
so i found myself lying on a rug in the middle of what was once my garden, now turned rifle range, trying to make the damn gun aim straight (its so much harder than in games). unfortunately not being a gun handling kinda person i had no idea that they have a safety feature. so as i was fiddling with the rifle trying to make it work, a little brown cat jumped into our garden from our neighbours garden. it must have settled on a bench we have sat in front of a tree which is not too far past the rifle target i was aiming at.
as i finally found the safety catch and flicked it off, i touched the trigger. now my dad shoots squirrels as they steal bird seed by cracking open our bird feeder (this does actually classify them as pests and makes it okay to shoot them apparently, although i find it sickening) so he had the trigger set up to be extremely sensitive so that he won't waste time pulling the trigger all the way back when he lines up a shot.
so the gun went off immediately even though i hadn't aimed it properly, and suddenly a screaming sound erupted from the cat, which i only noticed was there as it fell off the bench while writhing in agony.
thankfully the bullet only went through one of its front legs and then embedded itself in the tree. i say thankfully because that's about 5 cm below hitting it in the face and killing it for sure (i do in no way encourage the shooting of any animals).
unfortunately i was the one left with the task of carrying this badly hurt cat round to my neighbours house and trying to explain what happened, but the man who had answered the door wouldn't speak to me, he just turned red and grabbed the cat from me before slamming the door in my face. then i tried to ring the door bell to explain and try and regain some of my dignity, but he returned with a real gun of his own and asked if i wanted to find out what its like to be shot in the foot and then carried back to my owner.
i did end up paying for its medical bill as an apology. no one from the house would speak to me though, the payment had to made through my father who was the only one brave enough to face him. my brother found it kinda funny, and now repeatedly warns me when any kind of cat comes within sight of either of us. i think this might actually be for the best.
sorry for long post, my first one so i wasn't sure how much detail to put in. i know the story doesn't seem too funny but my brother and boyfriend both found it funny so i thought some of you might too. thanks for reading :)
|
shot my neighbours cat in the foot and then had to deliver it to its owner, before getting a gun shoved in my face.
|
shooting my neighbours cat
|
Title:shooting my neighbours cat
TLDR:
|
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] |
blah blah didn't happen today, but many years ago when i was in high school.
being the horny teenagers we were at the time, my friend who we'll call jim was completely infatuated with this precocious beautiful blonde in our class. this beautiful blonde, let's call her "c", was the definition of jail bait, at a young age of 14, she had the ass and boobs of an 18 year old.
it came to the point where jim's infatuation was getting a bit creepy- he would follow c covertly, sneaking behind c during break times, just staring at that fine ass. he would pick seats in class strategically behind her just so he could ogle her in secret. jim was a horny ninja mofo.
now what i didn't tell you, me and jim, we were fucking competitive. we were always trying to one up each other in sports and in classes. and for some stupid reason i decided i had to one up jim, even on the matter of stalking this poor girl. so one day, as c was getting picked up from school, i decided to memorise the number plate of her mum's car. i still remember it clear as day.. n3** d**. now every time it's home time, i know where to look to guarantee one last view of that sweet sweet bum before i go home for the day.
fast forward a few weeks in, as jim and i were leaving, i decided to update him on my new strategy. this is where i fuck up!!
"jim, you want to get one last look at c?"
"uuhhhyyeaaahh!! i'd love to see that perfect bum!!!" jim exclaimed
"well, i'm going to tell you how. just look out for the goldish brown car, i've memorised the number plate! my memory is impeccable" i smugly stated
"uuhhyeaahh lad!! can't wait!!! what's the number plate?? "
"n3** d**, yeah that's c's mom's car"
before i finished... i caught a glimpse of a shadow brushing past me.. i turned my head.. and you got it..it's fucking c!
i saw her quickly rush up to her mom's car, she did a speedy double take at the number plate... turned her head and gave me a worried look of pure horror that said what the fuck is going on?
|
. decided to memorise a number plate so i could show off to my friend, forever traumatised a sweet girl by looking like a creepy teenage ninja turtle.
|
memorising a car license plate
|
Title:memorising a car license plate
TLDR:
|
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] |
about a week ago my friend and i got tinder accounts. just wanted to see who could get more matches, no big deal. i ended up getting a message from a girl, let's name her sarah, who lives about two hours away. we hit it off right away, but she really didn't get the message that i wasn't looking for something serious especially not if its long distance. an hour later she's telling me things i would hesitate telling a best friend. she's trying to convince me to change my life plan to incorporate her, and already trying to get me to go visit her.
fast forward 3 days of meaningless conversation in which she gets more attached and i get more creeped out by the day. she texts me saying how she can't wait any longer and she needs to meet me. she makes the two hour drive in just to realize that i'm at work all night. just like i had told her 3 times already. this girl must be crazy. why did i let this get this far?
so sarah spends about 5 hours in the city hoping for a chance to meet me after i've made it perfectly clear it won't happen that night. i'm thinking more and more that it won't happen any night. she proceeds to try and make me feel guilty for not being free when she wants me to. i guess now she probably thinks i'm that creepy guy online who tries to get teenage girls to fall in love with them. i'm just a normal guy who is trying to deal with a crazy girl.
|
met girl on tinder, she's crazy, probably thinks i'm that creepy guy online
|
being that creepy guy online
|
Title:being that creepy guy online
TLDR:
|
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] |
as per usual this fuck up happened 2 years ago.
the story starts by going to visit my friend lets call her t. we decide to hang out at her apartment in which she shares with her roommate, let's call her j.
j decides she wants to butt in with the hang. the whole time j glares and makes snarky comments about me and t can see that i'm starting be rather annoyed. with t's wisdom the alcohol starts flowing and being a typical teenager this is where the drunken black hole of a memory starts.
next thing i'm around the side of the apartment at night with j who is balling her eyes out mumbling stuff about her ex dumping her and "how could i not want to fuck her."
now here's where my teenage hormones kick in like auto pilot, suddenly i'm comforting her which leads to a massive lip smacking. t finds us and flips a shit telling j to go to her room and warning me not to get with j.
pffft i'm a teenage boy you can't tell me not to have sex. so later i sneak away to j's room. like moths to a flame we start fucking, and fucking and fucking. it goes for hours. i just couldn't finish, good old whiskey dick, she offered to just use her hand.
sure why not? what could go wro... oh fuck! her grip is that of a thousand gorillas and she rips my junk up and down as if trying to rip it off. i scream and she takes that as go harder. at this point i'm almost passing out from the pain and had to fake busting a nut as best i could. she released and i got up and left, waddling like a penguin. for the next month my poor little man was black and blue.
|
. hung out with friend and her grumpy friend. drunkenly try to get rocks off. grumpy friend almost rips dick off. literally blue balls for a month.
|
sleeping with friends room mate.
|
Title:sleeping with friends room mate.
TLDR:
|
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my girlfriend and i currently have a competition going to see who can creep out/scare the other the most. the other night, she worked an evening shift to cover for a friend at work, so i had the apartment all to myself. i decided it was an excellent opportunity to do something creepy to scare her when she got home. well, i unscrewed all the light bulbs in the place, just enough so that flipping switch wouldn't turn them on. she gets home about 9-930 and the first thing she does is flip the switch by the door to light up the living room, like she always does. of course, it doesn't turn on and i'm covertly hidden behind the sliding doors that hide the fuse box which is also where the washer and dryer are. i'm sitting on top of the dryer, waiting for her to come check the box, clothes hanging in front of me to conceal my location. after a few minutes, i finally hear her walking towards the washer and dryer to check the fuse box, and as she opens the sliding door, i scream bloody murder, in hopes of traumatizing her because i'm far too into this competition, and lack the common decency that boyfriends should have.
well, it's not my girlfriend, it's our roommate who happens to scare easily, and who i had no idea would be coming home tonight. she's tiny, only 5'3 and 100 lbs wet with rocks in her shoes. she goes batshit crazy, starts screaming and running into everything thanks to the darkness and overabundance of furniture we have, and ends up crashing into the kitchen table. she's crying, screaming and terrified that someone's gonna come out and kill her and ends up dialing 911. this all happened in the course of maybe 2 minutes. i finally calmed her down once i turned on my phones flashlight and she saw who i was, but at this point, our neighbors were pounding on the door, and had called the cops too. within 10 minutes, police are kicking down the door, guns out and everyone's expecting to find some murder trying to attack a poor girl, but instead they find me trying to screw the light bulbs back into all the lights, and a girl bawling on the couch. my girlfriend gets home about half n hour after all this, and she didn't know whether or not to be impressed or pissed off. we took our roommate to the hospital, give an extremely uncomfortable explanation of what happened, and she end up having a broken ankle.
|
girlfriend and i have a competition to see who can scare the other the most, i mistakenly scare the shit out of my roommate instead thinking it's her and she ends up breaking her ankle trying to flee. police are called, break down our door and i'm almost arrested. girlfriend impressed/pissed, and i'm footing the medical bill for the hospital visit to regain some kind of common decency as a human being.
|
making my roommate break her ankle when i thought she was my girlfriend..
|
Title:making my roommate break her ankle when i thought she was my girlfriend..
TLDR:
|
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] |
*this is a throwaway as i do not frequent reddit, but was urged by friends to post my story on here.*
*to those of you that saw this post a few days ago. i was using reddit on my phone and ended up accidentally deleting it.*
well reddit it all happened last week on a cold, snowy morning. i live up north, and we recently got a ton of snow. i am an amatuer photographer working on opening my own business. i decide to take the opportunity to take some amazing shots of the snow-covered city i live in and head outside. i am walking down this one street and notice a bunch of people including cops and civilians standing around this alley entryway that has been taped off. being a curious human being, i decide to go up there and try to see what happened. i found out from one of the bystanders that someone had discovered a dead body in the alley, covered in snow from the previous night.
from my perspective i could clearly see into the alley where several cops/detectives were inspecting the body, looking for evidence etc, etc.. the body is right in the middle of the alley, somewhat towards the back, in front of some garbage dumpsters. since it just snowed the previous night, all the rooftops are still completely covered in snow. however, the sun is out and a lot of the snow around me appears to have started melting (bad news for me).
while i was standing there surveying the scene i had been rolling up a perfect snowball (i like to fidget with things constantly and snow provided a good toy). right about this time i notice a couple birds have landed on the edge of the rooftops and are overlooking the crime scene. this is when i got the bright idea to try and hit one of them with my new snowball..i completely regret this decision. my snowball misses (just my luck) and instead lands right at the top of the roof. this apparently broke the snow loose or something because the whole sheet of snow started sliding down right toward the alley! at this point i let out a silent yell to l^o^o^k o^u^t ...too late!
piles and piles of snow land on everyone in the alley, including the body and all the little evidence markers. the officer standing outside the alley nearest all the bystanders having just seen me throw the snowball and what happened goes into a rage and runs at me, somewhat tackles me (which breaks my high quality camera and lens) and begins handcuffing me instantly. he starts yelling at me about how i am contaminating a crime scene and obstructing justice (he didn't see the birds apparently and thought i did it on purpose). i am then sat down inside the nearest patrol car and questioned about why i did that, and where i was last night.
finally, i explain that i was just being dumb and tried to hit a bird, but ended up causing a mess...they eventually let me go with a warning. the worst thing about it all? i have to buy a new camera and long distance lens..
|
threw a snowball at a bird, caused an avalanche that completely covered a fresh crime scene, got tackled by a cop, broke my professional camera and equipment..**
|
destroying a crime scene and getting tackled by a cop
|
Title:destroying a crime scene and getting tackled by a cop
TLDR:
|
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] |
not that exciting, i'm just stupid. i recently made an account and haven't figured out how everything works, this happened a few days ago -- i subscribed to the /r/cats and forgot about it. when i went to scroll through the front page almost every other post was cat related. it had been a long day and i just wanted to see some new content. but everything was about cats. i became really frustrated with the damn internet's obsession with cats. i could not figure out why the hell there were so many cat posts on reddit that day. as i kept scrolling i began to hate cat posts more and more. then i noticed all the posts were from /r/cats and remembered i had recently subscribed ... dammit
|
new to reddit, forgot that subscribing changes what you see on the front page
|
subscribing to a new subreddit and forgetting about it
|
Title:subscribing to a new subreddit and forgetting about it
TLDR:
|
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this was several years and a couple relationships ago, but my gf and i were in her living room watching a movie. her 15 year old son walked in and said he was leaving to go visit a friend down the street. this was the moment we were both waiting for. as soon as he walked out she unzipped my jeans and started going down on me. i asked her if she didn't think it was a good idea to lock the door and she said, 'no, it will be all right'. a few minutes later, i was just about to blow my nut and her son barges back in the house. it was too late to play it off as anything other than what it was. girlfriend ran to the bathroom, son ran to his bedroom, and i went home with blue balls.
|
let a dumb girl call the shots.
|
getting caught by girlfriend's son.
|
Title:getting caught by girlfriend's son.
TLDR:
|
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alright, so the plan was for my parents to come and visit my sister and i at school (we both go to the same university) this past weekend. they asked if my girlfriend wanted to come along to eat so she did.
dinner went well. we went to this vegetarian restaurant that has this really good fried cauliflower and i ended up getting this awesome egg scramble.
after dinner, we went to the local grocery store (herein lies the root of my fuck up). my parents (as they always do) offered my girlfriend to pick out any groceries she needs. we both got some of that really good naked juice, so we would need to go back to her place to make sure they get in the refrigerator.
after dropping the stuff of at my room, i asked my parents if they could just take us to her place (on the other side of campus) so i could get a good amount of the homework done that i had. i quickly grab everything i need to get my homework done so i didn't keep my parents waiting.
my girlfriend and i make it back to her room, grab some snacks, and get a decent amount of our homework done.
when i feel that i got a sufficient amount done, i look at the clock. it's after 2 am. there was no way i was getting back to my room tonight, so we spend the rest of the night playing video games until it's time to go to bed (i also had a cold during all of this so i really did not feel like going back that late).
we wake up, everything is good. best sleep in a long time. she looks outside "oh my god, look at all the snow!"
*fuck.*
my mom had brought up a few times that we were supposed to get massive amounts of snow non-stop for about 30 hours. while i was hurriedly putting my groceries, i didn't bother to change from my tennis shoes to my snow boots, as i didn't rule in the possibility of staying up there that late. now (as i write this, gazing out the window) i'm going to have to brave the massive amounts of snowfall on my trek back to my own room.
|
: wear some sort of boots in the winter-time so you don't end up with sopping-wet feet**
|
because i spent the night on the other side of campus
|
Title:because i spent the night on the other side of campus
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened a while back.
i moved to the city for work about 7 years ago. i had no friends and i knew nobody except my new roommate. in order to meet new people i decided to sign up for an acting class. i will be the first to admit that i joined the class with the sole purpose of meeting women. there's no shame in that game.
after a few months in class, a hot red headed fair skinned vixen-like woman joined the class. she was beautiful in a milf-y jessica rabbit kind of way. we get to know each other within the context of the class and i find out a few things about her. first of all, she's married. lives in connecticut. she has six kids. six!!! two from her previous marriage, two from her new husband's previous marriage and two adopted ones. at the same time i find out that she has had her share of plastic surgery done not too long ago. she had a tummy tuck and breast implants. we become friends and decide to do a scene together.
for some reason, every scene she picked involved intimacy between the characters, whether it be straddling, making out or whatever, which i am very uncomfortable doing in front of people and i let her know about it. she decides that we should go for it to take me out of my comfort zone. at this point, who am i to argue?
we get together to rehearse our scene and we are going through lines and we get to the big kiss and i stop myself. she insist that i have to go for it the next time to get comfortable. so the next read through we do, i grab her and give her a very romantic kiss, which lasted about 30 seconds longer than it should have. then we continue rehearsing. as she is getting ready to leave she looks at me and says "do you want to practice that kiss again?". not sure what to make of it i say sure. and we start making out. i am thinking this is all an act until she proceeds to grab my dick which was not in the scene. she tells me we should rehearse again tomorrow after class, which was weird because class ends at 11pm.
next day we go to class and then go back to my apartment afterwards to "rehearse" which we don't do and decide to have sex instead. it was our first time and she had to have some corrective surgery over one of her tummy tuck scars which was still healing, so we had to be very gentle. this goes on for a week or two until one day she tells me her scar is healed and we can now have sex any way we want.
two things you need to know: i like rough sex. and i had just gotten a new duvet.that's all.
so we go to my room, i turn off the lights and we start having sex. it was fucking fantastic. it's agressive, passionate, sweet and rough at the same time, there's biting, scratching, slapping. it was by far the best sex i'd had in my life. i bend her over and fuck her doggie style very rough until i finish.
after i finish, i get up to get something to drink. i feel all our wetness in the bed. i am so in awe of this woman that i turn on the light so i can see her naked. and that's when i notice that the side of her tummy tuck that had been healing has split open and there is blood everywhere. i literally could see her insides.
i try to play cool, but on the inside i am freaking out. so i am trying to clean the blood from my bed but it is everywhere. she is trying to figure out how to stop the bleeding and close the wound. this shit looked like joran van der sloot's hotel room in peru.
i walk her to the pharmacy to find butterfly stitches or anything that can close this wound. not only that, she had to figure out what to tell her husband. in the end i think she told him that it opened up when a door hit her while boarding a taxi.
i learned my lesson. never have an affair again. i mean, i still had sex with her for one more year, but there was a lesson somewhere.
the worst part is that i slept with the bloody duvet for longer than i care to admit. any time i brought a girl back to my place i had to tell her i spilled coffee in my bed, which always got the same reaction: "how much coffee were you drinking?"
|
i hooked up with a milf from acting class. ripped her plastic surgery stitches open during a round of rough sex. slept on bloody sheets for years.
|
having an affair with a milf.
|
Title:having an affair with a milf.
TLDR:
|
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] |
obligatory: this wasn't today. this wasn't even this year. kids, once upon a time i was what you'd call, an operations specialist in the us navy. this story is from then.
living in virginia beach as a sailor in the u.s. navy the day before battlegroups (that is.. aircraft carriers, destroyers, cruisers, frigates, literally thousands of people) can be very busy downtown on the strip. sailors preparing to spend six months on a haze gray steel ship know how to tie one on. i was one of them.
it was december and cold, i was single and lived alone: no roommates (why is a different tifu) and i finally got home at 2am, had some c-t crunch and passed out.
in the us navy one of the biggest sins is 'missing ships movement' so when i popped awake 3 hours later i quickly got my stuff together, drive to the ship for 6am quarters (where they take attendance) and 8am underway from norfolk.
shift colors, six months later i get home. picked up my car from car storage and drove back to my garden style apartment and opened the door.
only to be greeted by the most powerful and foulest stench i've ever smelled. the vomit reflex kicked in faster than you can say "warm jagrmeister." see, i had left that milk from the c-t crunch on the counter, and left the heat on, and it had six months to ferment and curdle until i broke the seal on the apartment and got enveloped in a backdraft of putrescence. i've been some nasty places in my life with raw sewage and dead bodies, but nothing matches getting walloped with that smell, in my own apartment.
edit: thank you for my first gold on my first tifu! i shall endeavor to tifu again, many thanks kind stranger!
|
i left the milk out and the heat on for six months and made my apartment smell worse than (pre-earthquake) port au prince, haiti
|
leaving the milk out... and the heat on... for six months
|
Title:leaving the milk out... and the heat on... for six months
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this happened literally an hour ago and i am still shaking/shocked!
so i was snapchatting my brother and we normally send stupid ones in weird places with funny captions. i was in the bathroom on the loo and casually scrolling reddit when i get a snap from him saying he was going to see someone tonight. naturally, i sent a snapchat back of me on the toilet! i'm a guy so you could see my dingaling and my surrounding areas but i decided to cover it up with a dash of the red paint (just enough so you couldn't see my length.)
however, i was pulling a really provocative face; a rape face. this made the snapchat somewhat disturbing and you can imagine the horror on my face when i found out a few minutes later that i had not only sent this masterpiece to my family, but my friends and colleagues as well! (all 80 of them)
the main problem was that with the new snapchat update i didn't know how to delete it! i was in such a panic that i was shaking and every time i clicked my name on my story it came up with the image and how many people had screenshotted it! i was unfortunately boasting a ratio of 1 in 2 screenshots! i managed to delete it in the end but the damage was done. its safe to say i had a fair few question marks arriving through my phone! there goes any social credibility i had!
:(
|
put an extremely embarrassing photo on my snapchat story accumulating a fair few screenshots.
|
thanks to my snapchat story
|
Title:thanks to my snapchat story
TLDR:
|
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] |
so here's the obligatory: this actually happened a while ago, when i was 19.
my boyfriend and i had been together about a year. we were at his house and after his parents and sister had gone to bed, we decided to get frisky in the place they were least likely to hear: the basement. i was almost done with my period so we decided to go bareback. this was irresponsible in many ways, and, worse, also poorly planned.
so we have a good time and then realize - shit - that we didn't stash any tissues nearby. i did the only thing i could, which was to use my hand instead - he pulled out and i quickly clamped my hand over my vagina, only to realize i was still bleeding much more than i had expected. i was leaking not only cum, but period blood, and the red, slick, sticky mixture was slipping between my fingers and dripping on the floor - which in that basement was covered in a thick white carpet. i completely panicked and ran up the stairs (which are also carpeted) to the ground floor bathroom, leaving a trail of blood and cum.
my boyfriend and i spent an hour rubbing the carpet clean and finally went to bed terrified it wouldn't dry by the morning. sure enough, we wake up to a yell. his father had stepped on the wet carped and freaked out, thinking the basement had flooded over night. my boyfriend ran down to explain. he's not a very good liar and just a very honest guy, so he actually told him what had happened. i was humiliated and refused to come downstairs until i basically had to. red-faced, i sat through a breakfast of pancakes, punctuated by his little sister incessantly wanting to know what exactly we had spilled on the carpet. i refused to tell her.
fortunately, his parents are pretty chilled and we've been together for ten years now.
|
dripped period blood and cum all over boyfriend's parents' white carpet, spent breakfast humiliated and trying to avoid sister's questions about wet carpet
|
dripping cum and period blood all across boyfriend's parents' lush white carpet - nsfw
|
Title:dripping cum and period blood all across boyfriend's parents' lush white carpet - nsfw
TLDR:
|
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] |
today i fucked up whilst trying to be a cleanly man. it started with the idea that i would shave my beard and cut my hair. i was feeling pretty good and decided well i should groom my nether regions as well. this is where it goes south. literally and figuratively.
i decided to take a razor and shave the bottom of my man hood and also the boys. it all went so swimmingly. i was feeling proud. sure it felt like i got too close here and there but no blood. and no cuts. it was a victory. or so i thought. and this is where i fucked up.
so not realising there where tiny cuts all over my member. i proceeded to take a shower. slight feels here and there which i thought was water. i should've known better that's when the soap hit it. my body wash burned like a sun being set to my skin. if to not make my situation worse i slipped and a knock came at the door. to ask me what happened. i was so ashamed at my stupidity. i said i slipped. laying there i sat in the bottom of the shower wondering why the hell did i do this....
|
tifu by trying to groom my man parts. and it was painful and i fell over.
|
trying to groom myself (nsfw)
|
Title:trying to groom myself (nsfw)
TLDR:
|
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] |
well, i went to portillos to grab a beef for lunch and there are two revolving doors to get into the restaurant. i saw a family with a little kid going to one so i went to the other. unbeknownst to me, the little kid had run off from his parents and decided to use the same one as me. the same portion of the door in fact. i didn't see him, obviously, and started going through. as i got halfway through i saw the dad on the other side and he started screaming at me to stop. i had no idea what he was talking about and kept going. i went all the way through only to realize the kid was behind me and got his sleeve caught between the circular part of the door and the actual door. he wasn't hurt but he was crying because he was scared of the door pulling him. the dad was shaking me and asking what i did to his son and what the hell was wrong with me and making quite a scene. the mom was much more civil and tried to calm him down saying it wasn't my fault and whatnot but he wasn't having it. it took the store manager and a security guard to calm him down and make him leave. i didn't even stay to eat lunch after that.
|
some kid run up behind me in a revolving door, starting panicking, made his dad all hysterical and got his family kicked out of a restaurant.
|
using a revolving door.
|
Title:using a revolving door.
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happend a few months ago, but whatever. i was haveing my morning shower, and like normal, was washing off with a bar of soap while i brushed my teeth. unfourtunetlly i dropped my soap, and it slid back to the drain a bit. this is where it all goes wrong, i bend over, step backwords and then pick up the soap. i then presume to get up, and when i do, all i can hear is a large ripping sound followed by pain and some blood, looking behind me i just realised that i scraped my ass on the bathtub faucit.
|
bent down to pick up some soap in the shower, ended up scrapeing my ass on the bathtub faucit.
|
picking up some soap in the shower..
|
Title:picking up some soap in the shower..
TLDR:
|
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] |
first of all, this was friday night. i have never smoked pot before. i've drank plenty of alcohol, but never smoked. *(side note, i'm not drinking much anymore since i'm also on anti-depressants)* my roommate (call him mike) is kind of a pot dealer. he has plenty of bongs, smokes pretty much every day, either hookah, pot, or dabs. for those who don't know, dabs are pretty much pot on steroids.
friday night, we go out to the local liquor store, come back, and mike says "dude, you *have* to do some dabs with us tonight." i hit it and go into a coughing fit for a minute. no worries there, everyone does it. time was around 8:30 pm
a couple minutes later, my mouth is dry and i'm still coughing a bit, so i slowly drink some water. it helps. later, i start to feel it kick in. felt a little like i was drunk, got dizzy, started to laugh a lot more. i noticed i was starting to feel a little queasy, so i got up and headed to the bathroom. halfway there, i stopped, my vision got really fuzzy and i couldn't see. apparently, i was standing there for around 5 minutes complaining about cramps in my legs until someone guided me over to the couch, where i laid down.
at this point, being the nerd that i am, i start going to google and searching things like:
what's it like to get high for the first time
pot and antidepressants
dabs and antidepressants
highs last for around 4 hours *fuck, this is gonna suck*
i closed my eyes, had some weird dreams that i can't remember anymore, woke up to mike asking how i felt. still kinda good, but feeling more and more like i was going to throw up. after 5-10 more minutes, i knew it was coming. i know that feeling. fuck.
i got up and ran as straight as i could to the bathroom. door to the toilet was closed. fuck. sink? *urp.* gonna have to be. for the next hour or so (at least it felt like it), i had my head over the sink throwing up.
my muscles started cramping up really tightly to where i was literally frozen in place, my breathing got really fast and out of control. it *hurt* to breathe slower or faster. something else was controlling it. i was *freaking out*. i never expected anything like this before and have never experienced any sort of pain like this before. i started crying and banging my arm on the sink counter. i yelled as loudly as i could in between breathes (which wasn't that loud at all) "someone" *(pant, pant)* "help me! *(pant, pant)* "call" *(pant, pant, pant, pant)* "the hospital!!" *(pant, pant, pant, pant)*
after like 20 minutes, one of my pre-med friends (john) came in and slowly talked to me.
"bodet328, you have to slow your breathing"
"i can't. it hurts."
"just breathe like me. in *(slowly inhaled)*. out *(slowly exhaled)*.
i followed as best as i could, eventually my breathing slowed down and muscles relaxed. he gave me some water, and i took some sips. *(more throw-up followed)* i kept going though, slowly, more water, eventually it stayed down. 10-ish minutes later, john came back in to find me more calmed down, curled up on the floor.
"he's alive! ok bodet328, we're going to get you to lay down on the couch."
i got up relatively quickly and problem free, but still with fuzzy vision. i went over to the couch and crashed (i think it was around 11 pm)
the next morning, i woke up with a trash can next to me, covered in blankets and pillows, a bottle of water, and one of my friends (grace) who came in after i laid down but stayed with me all night long to make sure i was ok. later on, john and mike both asked how i was. mike felt so bad for doing what he did. he thought i had smoked pot before and had no idea. (no one else knows about the anti-depressants, but that's not something i like to talk about.)
|
do some research before you do drugs.**
|
smoking pot on steroids for the first time
|
Title:smoking pot on steroids for the first time
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened just yesterday. let me start by saying i am a massive dresden dolls fan, and an even bigger neil gaiman fan. last night my girlfriend, two mates and i took in a show in the johannesburg maropeng district. for those of you who don't know, this area is a vibey hotspot of trends, cinema, dramatics, food and culture right in the heart of the johannesburg cbd.
after the show we're relaxing in the hotel lobby enjoying a beer and chatting. my friend happens to notice a french stephen king book lying on a desk nearby. not entirely out of place in an area beset by hipsters and the "cultural elite" of johannesburg. finding this somewhat amusing i pick up the book and in an exaggerated french accent i begin to read, making an arse of myself as i am often wont to do in front of my friends.
out of the corner of my eye walks a tall lady past our group. my friends turn and comment on her great performance, and having just seen a show i assumed it was one of the actresses. turning briefly to acknowledge her, i loudly exclaim, "bonjour!" in her general direction, and continue to read from the book.
upon leaving my friends start to chat about how cool amanda palmer is and how chill she is with fans. i curiously inquire as to the possibility of a local actress named amanda palmer because the chances of the amanda palmer staying in an unassuming hotel in the heart of johannesburg on a night i happened to be there is surely impossible. they look at me a bit befuddled and say, "the woman you just said, bonjour, to was the amanda palmer, in town for a discreet show last night." my face just fell. one of my heroines had casually walked past me and i took no notice. i could kick myself. i could cry. i have never been so angry with myself as i am right now.
**
|
. encountered amanda palmer in the middle of johannesburg and casually went about my business, missing an opportunity to meet a personal heroine of mine.**
|
snubbing amanda palmer.
|
Title:snubbing amanda palmer.
TLDR:
|
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] |
my experience of sleep paralysis
i was argumentating with my father because i was hungry and wanted to grab a snack before going back to my computer and game for a few more hours before calling it a night.
it was around 11pm when i went downstairs (this is where my computer is located at) and i saw my brother going back to sleep without even turning off his computer. i kept walking to the room where my computer is at.
i tried to slam the door since i was really mad, instead the door shuts down slowly. i don't really pay attention to this detail in the dream and just carry on to sit on my chair. so on my computer screen there's a video playing on full screen mode where the moment i paused the video it was black so i was able to see the reflection of the room. this acted as a mirror to see what's going to happen next.
at this moment when i put my headphones on i just heard a voice yelling of a little girl but for less than a second. so i thought it was the sound of my headphones since the quality of them is really bad. at this moment i see a little girl at my left side just yelling so fking badly at me. my reaction is to swear in arabic and fell off from my chair.
now everything goes white, just like if someone pointed at you a flashlight, then it went black. since everything was black i opened my eyes to get out of this nightmare. i didn't realize that i woke up still being in the nightmare.
i can't move, i look around and i see this little bitch girl in the corner of the room. i tried to yell, didn't work. moving was out of the question since i was too fking scared to do anything.
at this moment i black out and woke up for real now, took me about 30 seconds to be able to move my finger.
while writing this i've realized that i wasn't able to speak , swallow saliva and had difficulty breathing with my nose.
this happened 19 minutes ago and i can't sleep.
really sorry for bad english as it's my second language and when i wrote this it was in the minutes following the incident because i didn't wanted to forget any details.
|
: sleep paralysis
|
sleeping on my back
|
Title:sleeping on my back
TLDR:
|
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] |
so like many others, this didn't happen today but a couple years ago.
my (now ex) boyfriend was the first guy i ever went down on. my 17 year old self had no clue what to do or how it would be. so when i finally did it, his penis tasted like he hasn't washed it in years. i felt like i had an exclusive buffet to a seafood restaurant. it was downright the nastiest thing i have ever put in my mouth. and i hate seafood, can't stand the taste or smell. i took it like a champ and kept on going. after that i was terrified to go down on another guy. it took me a couple years to realize that not all men's penises are fishy.
|
men was your junk before getting head.
|
going down on my boyfriend (nsfw)
|
Title:going down on my boyfriend (nsfw)
TLDR:
|
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so this happened a couple days ago and the shit storm is finally cooling down.
i visited my family out of state starting thursday, and i was walking down the street high while talking to my girlfriend of a year and the service was really bad. her voice sounds very static and would keep getting quiet. as i keep walking it get worse and worse to the point where we can't have a conversation. now what i meant to say here is, "you're breaking up.", but instead my dumb, high ass self says, "i'm breaking up with you." as i got the words out of my mouth i could hear her say something, but i dont know what. call gets dropped, and i'm out of service for a few hours. fuck virgin mobile. at this point i still didn't realize i fucked up.
when i finally get back to service my phone blows up with missed calls and voicemails. she was crying so i knew i fucked up. her friends messaged me trying to get ahold of me and she did a lot. when i call her back, her friend answers and tells me that my girlfriend wants nothing to do with me now and how fucked up it is to break up over a phone call and hangs up.. shit. after thinking for a little bit i realized what i said.
i try to call again and it rings until it goes to voice mail. so i got back to my parents house and use the house phone since she won't recognize the number. i call her and she answers so i get enough words out of my mouth to try to explain myself. she tells me that we'll talk when i get back.
i just got back this morning and went straight to her place (with flowers and chocolate.) and appologize profusely. she finally forgives it and says she understands, but she's still a little angry because of what i put her through. i'm pretty sure her friends and family hate me now though.
she also told me what it was like from her point of view. she was talking to me and she could hear me pretty much fine. i wasn't answering her questions and i sounded annoyed. finally out of nowhere i say that im breaking up with her and the call ends. then whenever they tried calling it would ring twice then go to voice mail. she thought that i was ignoring her calls.
|
fuck virgin mobile. my high self said, "i'm breaking up with you." instead of, "you're breaking up." just as the phone call dropped. almost lost my girlfriend of a year over that shit.
|
talking to my girlfriend on the phone with bad reception.
|
Title:talking to my girlfriend on the phone with bad reception.
TLDR:
|
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] |
now reddit here is a little bit of information:
my laugh is a funny laugh. my colleagues tries not to make me laugh too hard because they'll end up not able to contain theirs too. why? because i snort, and that snort induces more laughter when they hear it. it's going to be a non-stop snorting (sorry no coke) session for me (i cannot stop until i'm tired, i think it's genetics) while they hold their tummies for their dear life.
last friday an executive meeting is being held at our company. i am one of those guys who get to sit in the long table and listen to the ceo's (she's a woman in her mid 40's and is very very demure) babbling and babbling about stuff when in fact he already rehearsed it in front of me earlier to check for inconsistencies.
now being the idiot that i am, i began browsing r/jokes on my phone (phones are allowed in the meeting) and something came up that made me giggle, nobody looked at me. so i guess that's a good sign. you know that feeling of built-up laughter? i managed it by faking a cough. post after post the build-up grew, and i was starting to think of stopping then and there. but it was too late.
when i came into this:
http://www.reddit.com/r/jokes/comments/2ttve4/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_for_help_with_her_sex/
it backfired. i burst out laughing and then there goes the chorus of snorting that sounds like a frog gasping for air. all 20+ company heads are looking at me and i got all of them amused and laughing in no time. by the time the ceo joins in there's no sound coming from my laughter anymore just the constant snort while gasping for air because who knew the ceo snorts while laughing too? she tried to cover her mouth to hide the snorting but it managed to come out of her so she just went with it and we all had a good time to laugh our hearts out.
after the meeting she called me and asked me: "do that next time and you'll get fired!"
|
tifu by making my boss step out of her comfort zone and almost fired me via phone call.
|
making my ceo snort in a meeting.
|
Title:making my ceo snort in a meeting.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i went for a laser circumcision surgery as a last resort solution to phimosis. no biggie except that i forgot that am a "grower".
had the doc zap my foreskin and frenelum off. went home and healed.
on the 8th day i had a raging nocturnal erection. busted all the lower stitches on the wound early. pants was stained with blood.
now i have a gaping open wound on my penis and it is the 4th week. doc said just let it heal lol. am sure my penis is going to have an extra flap.
oh well...at least i will now be "ribbed for her pleasure"
proof: http://redd.it/2twzk6
update: well the good news is that the open wound will eventually heal to become a normal surface skin. i didn't quite believe the doc at first. it took longer to heal but it did. the human body is amazing and will adapt. took 2 months to heal.
i know you will probably be wondering if a weird flap will appear between the open and stitched areas? the answer seems to be that the body will smooth it out. the stitched and open wound areas will have a slightly different tone but its all superficial. its really nice looking now.
|
my junk healed well and my wife got fucked real good. we did it like rabbits. she got pregnant within a few weeks.
|
busting my circumcision stitches early
|
Title:busting my circumcision stitches early
TLDR:
|
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] |
she had been really flirty and sexual. when i proposed the threesome i was half-joking, testing the waters, if you will(you know exactly what i'm talking about). she was was not amused. at all. whatsoever.
|
if that's too long for you, then go fuck yourself. and two other people.
|
proposing a threesome on the first date.
|
Title:proposing a threesome on the first date.
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened 12 years ago--i was 14. i was in the 8th grade, and before i left for school that morning i decided to have myself some coffee. i never really drank it before then, but thought, why not? well, with my mom yelling that my siblings and i were going to miss our bus if we didn't hurry, i grabbed that big-ass cup of coffee i poured and chugged it like there was no tomorrow. roughly four hours later (about 10 a.m.), my stomach is killing me--at this point, i am certain that a good vom session is imminent. i tell my teacher that i'm going to be sick and haul ass to the restroom (thankfully it was unoccupied). i rush into one of the stalls, get down on my knees, flip up the toilet seat, and take aim thinking i am about to barf like the dickens at any second. instead, i let out the wettest fart of my life, which coincided with an awful ass-plosion. yes, i did not vomit--i shat my pants. and let me tell you, i shatt'em bad. my only reprieve was that i was still wearing briefs and hadn't yet switched to boxers. in shame and terror, i eked my way to the nurses office and told her i was sick (i actually just told her i vomited up a storm, rather than admit the truth). she calls my teacher to tell her i am going home; my mom arrived with 20 minutes or so to pick me up. (by the grace of god there was no stank or leakage). i walk upstairs to my bedroom, legs tightly clenched, and proceed to carefully remove pants and underwear; i stuffed all evidence into an old pillow, which i tossed into the garbage and immediately emptied. i cleaned myself up, took a nap and didn't take a single sip of coffee for a long, long time. to this day, the smell of coffee makes my sphincter wince.
note: i originally posted this story as a blb meme a while ago--enjoy: http://imgur.com/kaayvao
|
chug coffee, hours later confusing stomach pains. gonna vom? nope, shat pants. the worst part of waking up? folgers in your butt.
|
drinking coffee
|
Title:drinking coffee
TLDR:
|
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let me start out by stating that i am part of a very large fan base of a specific singer who is very anti-bullying. i am a very kindhearted person often, i am considered mom to many because i'm older and i do truly care for people. many have come to me to talk about issues they cannot discuss with their own families. i've been asked to keep confidences, and i always do - no matter what.
i approached a very good (or so i thought) friend of mine regarding concerns about whether they've lost focus on the important things in life. lately this person has been very distracted and rather obsessed with some things that may not be necessarily considered healthy. i had picked up on some of the issues and also had some other people approach me to find out if this person was alright. the only true way that i could know was to have a discussion with him over what i had been noticing.
what started out as a conversation about how i was concerned for this person's well-being and mental health quickly took a wrong turn and suddenly was being viewed as a malicious attack. he never even read most of the words that i had written. if he had, he would have realized that this came from a place of love and concern. i had asked this person to please keep this to themselves but they had to run to the internet to ask whether they were still viewed as a good person and to gather a mob of people to open an attack on me. i asked no inappropriate questions, said nothing wrong, and was very tactful in the way i approached the issue.
what i was met with and the way it was handled was exactly the type of behavior that i had been worried about except i never expected it to turn into an all out attack. this person led a group of others to openly attack me on various social media sites, where he posted my real identity, yet wouldn't allow me to explain myself.
like i said, someone had come to me about this and i had been sworn to not reveal their identity. his biggest issue wasn't with the fact that i had talked to him, it was that i refused to tell him who said it. he has asked me to keep confidences before, and i have. it wasn't ok for me to keep someone else's though and he tried to bully me into giving the person's identity up - which i did not do.
he then called me a few hours later apologizing for his behavior and told me he was having a hard time lately. we talked and he cried, a lot. i thought that he was really coming from his heart. i came to find out later that he really just wanted me to tell him that his behaviors were ok, which i never did. i kept telling him that we should just move forward and learn from this.
i haven't heard from him since and he's blocked me on all social media platforms. very adult... and the specific person he idolizes would be extremely disappointed in his behaviors.
the moral of the story? don't try to help anyone because it just turns to shit and no one helps you clean up the mess....you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
edited for clarity and to add a small portion that i forgot...
|
i talked to a friend that i was worried about and he turned it into an all out internet lynch mob and bully-fest.
|
asking a friend if he was ok and it turned into a social media bullying frenzy
|
Title:asking a friend if he was ok and it turned into a social media bullying frenzy
TLDR:
|
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] |
short and sweet one for you today:
i was driving home from the store this morning, as i had decided to go out before the weather got worse (i'm near chicago, it was going to get worse) and as i got to the last major intersection before home i saw a car on the other side in the turn lane, facing the wrong direction, with their hazards on.
as their was no cops on the scene and i had been through here not 10-15 minutes ago, i pulled into a parking lot on the other side to get out and make sure everyone was safe and see if any assistance was needed, calls made, etc..
two things happened pretty much simultaneously:
a) i realized as i parked that i had made a horrible mistake, i was very much going to be stuck when i tried to get out.
b) as i actually got out of the car i saw the cop car pull up -.- (yay they were getting help! boo i got stuck for nothing lol)
thankfully this absolutely awesome dude in a truck with a plow came along and dug me out and made sure i got on my way without trouble, wish i could have offered him something for his trouble, but i'm just glad he was there to help!
**
|
tried to make sure someone was alright and got stuck during a blizzard, another good samaritan saves the day by digging me out!**
|
trying to be a good samaritan in a blizzard
|
Title:trying to be a good samaritan in a blizzard
TLDR:
|
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] |
this was several years ago, actually. my first sexual partner and i had broken up but we would still hook up from time to time. so it was a warm summer day in georgia and i was feeling nostalgic. we had unofficially stopped hooking up for about 2 months. i decided, what the hell. i'll just call her and see if she wants to bone. to my surprise, she agreed and would show up at my house in about 30 minutes. we start getting juicy and steamy. i'm on top - missionary and i realize this may be the last time we ever make love and that i have nothing to lose. i start doing all the things i would normally be too embarrassed to try. reaching under, i introduce my middle finger to her quivering balloon knot. to my surprise, it was sopping wet. it must have really driven her wild! at this point, i decide what the hell - this is going to be the best sex of my life. i flip her over to get some doggy style action. in my ecstasy, i barely noticed the awful smell emanating from her nethers. my pumps slow to a halt. i notice that my entire hip region is pocked with brown dots...as if i'd been poked with a fudge pop 20 or so times.
she simply says, "my stomach hurts." and goes to the bathroom. the entire situation, me, my bed, my hands were all covered in goopy fecal matter. she peaks her head in my bedroom door and simply says, "i'm going home."
i was right. it was the last time we ever hooked up.
|
my ex girlfriend kissed me goodbye with her shitty anus and left into the sunset.
|
having sex with my ex girlfriends poop nsfw
|
Title:having sex with my ex girlfriends poop nsfw
TLDR:
|
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] |
pt 1 here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2uaub8/tifu_by_throwing_away_the_wrong_box/
pt 3 here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2uii4a/tifu_by_throwing_away_the_wrong_box_and_getting/
*latest update: 08.15*
so the result of yesterday. i don't know if the data has been shredded yet, but it's at a company that we are heading to this morning. no-one was there last night. the rest of the team know, and 'jim' is in as much shit as me; 4 hds were empty of data but rammed full of cocaine. dave is…still along for the ride at least.
there was a couple of people telling me i'm fucked and the others would eventually reveal all. me and dave are very good friends (i was best man at his wedding), and worked together years ago before the firm we're at now, so there's no worries there. i was a little worried about jim to be honest but well he wants this sorted as much as me now. even if i come clean to the bosses; it might be too late. that's 5 years worth of data there, some of the stuff before at least will be on tapes but half of them were chucked as well (that was on purpose though).
btw; the banging on the door this morning at 4 am? dave. him and sofia had some argument and he chucked her out. sorry, i thought it was some goons and we were done for right there.
so the plan as of right now (10:15) is we head off to look things up and see what we can get. if that means breaking and entering that's what we do. too much at stake here. figured i would keep reddit updated on our travels. jim's driving. any suggestions on how to get in without getting arrested too would be good. hoping just to trip an alarm and then get someone to come out for us and we can explain the situation. i hope you appreciate that i can't tell you where we're going or coming from (other than near the east coast, guess you can figure that out from the times), but i'll try to keep putting on a couple of pictures as i go along.
**tl;dr still fucked up so going on for all or nothing. plus, we're all super hungover. hold on tight.**
*edit 1 (11.13):* being followed, doing zig-zags and driving erratically to try to lose the pi. haha joking. we're on the interstate, about 50 mins to go.
*edit 2 (12.49):* bit delayed with traffic but scoped out the place. round the back of the building there's a keypad for a large door entrance. tried a few obvious combos. any recommendations? we like the suggestion of /u/malamutewhisperer gonna try some linked in and facebook attempts.
*edit 3 (12.55):* images of keypad and yard http://m.imgur.com/bt3n6f5,d2tbxfq
*edit 4 (14.43):* **jim in jail**. big update when we get a coffee and figure out what the fuck is going on. oh and yeah. jim was our lift here.
*edit 5 (15.32):* so. we found our way in, the digits were the last 4 of the company number. no alarm! and we saw the shredder. it's huge, i've seen similar on youtube videos i think, will try to find one later. there's boxes of stuff to go in, and no evidence of any shreddings. but i don't recognise the crap they had piled up there. here's the twist; jim went out to get one of these things http://www.mrshelf.co.za/shop/hand-trolleys/crate-trolley/ (a crate trolley?) from his trunk. but we'd parked up next to a hydrant...paying too much attention i guess to the task in hand. he's getting written up, but he must have looked nervous or something because all of a sudden he's getting patted down and they're giving the car a quick sweep. i don't know what they found but next thing we know he's in the back of a car on the way to the station we guess. will update when we know about him.
we cleared the hell out of there. now in a starbucks thinking how the fuck we make it 100 miles back home on a sunday.
*edit 6 (20.10):* sorry for such a long delay. my iphone battery died. so we hitch-hiked back. didn't realise anyone did that anymore but hell we made it. grabbed a taxi the last few miles back. now we're at the office trying to get things sorted. still not heard from jim. but did hear from my boss who left me a message; he wants to meet tomorrow at 14.15 after lunch. fuck. gonna have to come clean reddit. rip in pieces :(
*edit 7 (21:01):* so dave's wife (mrs d) found out and he's been chucked on the streets (it's about 38 degrees here). he's staying at my place tonight. apparently last night the big argument he had was that he decided not to leave his wife, that he wanted to make it work. things did not go down well there with sofia and she completely flipped, chucked him out and that's why he was banging on the door at 4 am. but i guess in the mean time she wrote a letter to his wife and posted it. that's when the shit hit home. mrs d tore him a new one, then it turns out that she didn't go home to see her mom, but went away with some guy!! that's all i know so far. dave knows about these threads so i'll let him post any more if he wants.
the shredder was something similar to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvbpfpst78g&t=85
|
jim is in jail. still no hard drive. boss wants to meet in about 18 hours. dave's wife found out about sofia.**
|
throwing away the wrong box. (part 2)
|
Title:throwing away the wrong box. (part 2)
TLDR:
|
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] |
well, this hadn't been necessarily today, but i did post it as a short of not fully explained comment... gosh i hate myself for this...
either way, it had been a nice day and a friend and i got back from the local game store with halo: reach. it was pretty much one of the most hyped up moment of our lives, and the thing we had to do first...? forge/build. we wanted to see everything this game had within it, and to my surprise there was an ability called evade which causes you to do a dolphin dive that ends with a tumble on the ground. now, once we tested all these we had wanted to try them ourselves like any normal idiot would.
so here we are, outside and my friend looks at me, and says, "hey! forkbeefage! evade under me!" so, i decide, "fuck, why not?" so, i walked far away to get some running distance, and this is entirely what caused me to fuck up. i give my friend the signal, and i start running. now, this signal was to give me enough space to evade under via moving of the legs. however, right when i hit my terminal velocity of sprinting, i was really close to him and i was thinking, "shit!! i'm gonna fuck it up!" and then, my stupid ass thinks there's actually hope and i majestically leap forward, a clean superman, and as i am flying i feel an impact on my fists and a loud noise of meat slapping onto a concrete floor. oh! also a loud scream, i can't forget that...
and as this chain of events had started, i had literally lost all of my momentum and i sat there thinking i was floating, but in reality time had slowed down and i was just a short few inches off the ground. next thing i knew, i was in the dirt, face first. i sat there in pain for a few moments, and once i gathered my composure i looked up and saw my friend curled up in the fetal position, crying and sniffling. then, the second fuck up of the day which ruined our friendship. i sat there and started laughing my ass off, because hey, i figured that we both got hurt and that made it alright. but no, he steadily, and you could literally see the pain on his face, got up off the ground, and let out a very mixed and contorted, "fuck you!!" and started slowly running while crying his eyes out.
i've never seen or heard from him again... but hey! at least he forgot his copy of halo: reach, which means... more gaming for me!! ...some how...
|
i play halo: reach and reach the point where i think i can dolphin-sault under my friend, leaving my friend to get an unwanted, and unexpected double fisting.
|
evading into my friends stomach
|
Title:evading into my friends stomach
TLDR:
|
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] |
all great stories start with a gripping opening.
it was a dark and stormy night...no, that won't work.
it was a cold winter friday afternoon. i'm a 45 year old white guy from suburbia, in ontario, canada. i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis about 18 months ago. gp advised celebrex, referred to rheumatologist. rheumatologist wanted to put me on several medicines, taken daily, needles weekly. i got the prescriptions filled, but had second thoughts, and haven't taken any. have actively tried to deal with on my own, lost 30 lbs., (15 to go). started researching alternative therapies, had many people say try medical marijuana. while i know many people who smoke it, i have never done it in my life. just my choice. i've never smoked a cigarette. parents smoked, hated it. i have a brother 5 years older than me who started drugs in high school, and i never wanted to do that. i decided to try it, under supervision of my wife. i first tried it last sunday, had 1/4 of a cookie in all, in thirds, over 8 hours. no effect at all. on friday afternoon, at 3:30, i had another 1/4, all at once this time. no effect for about 4.5 hours, then wham! i was stoned as fuck. ended up passing out standing up, cut my chin when i fell, and wife and mil (who was unaware of the cookie)panicked and called 911. 6 hours in emergency ward of hospital, doctors basically waiting for me to come down.
|
noob ate a pot cookie, bad reaction.
|
eating a marijuana cookie to help with my ra.
|
Title:eating a marijuana cookie to help with my ra.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i cut my head open, bleeding like a wrestler in the 90s,
i was in my home in a rural area, so visits are usually limited to immediate family, at least until today.
i couldn't believe as probably the most beautiful girl walks into my house, i thought maybe i'm hallucinating because i hit my head pretty hard, but no she's real, she was riding with my aunt coming to check up on us.
they give me a ride to the hospital, she is tending to my wound while we chat the whole way there, we are in the same grade, she is new and wants to hang out after i get stitched up.
but this is where i fucked up.
we make it to the hospital and she asks me "how did you get that nasty cut anyways"
so i say "oh you know, that time of the month"
she no joke slapped me and pushed my head hard enough to bruise my forhead against the window
and called me "a gross immature piece of shit"
i waved her down afterwards, she just gave me this look like i shit myself and she was close enough to smell it
|
had a head injury that needed stitching, met the girl of my dreams, and told her i was bleeding because it was that time of the month. physical and emotional cockblock
|
using humor at the wrong time
|
Title:using humor at the wrong time
TLDR:
|
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so this didnt actually happen today, this happened several years ago. i was in the navy on a 4 year contract. the boat i happened to be on was constabtly being deployed. 4 deployments in 4 years (counting surges as deployments). technically, it wasn't a boat...it was an aircraft carrier. if you spent 6 months on one with 7k other people you would call it a boat too, but i digress.
so i had 1 rule for myself when i was in, "don't shit where you sleep". meaning under no circumstances would i have sex with anyone on the boat to prevent very akward situations and whatnot. as you can imagine this led to some very lonely and sexually frustrated times during deployment for me. luckily i had my iporn on my ipod to get me through it. before long this just wasn't enough.
i started trying different things to try to fully satisfy myself and negate the lonelyness. this is where i fucked up in a manner that will haunt me for the rest of my life. so im laying down in my rack (a set of bunk beds 3 high) and watching my iporn. its not an apple product, but it's porn on ny ipod, so i call it iporn. anyways, i start fapping.
everyone around me can probably hear the fapping sounds comming from my rack, but i dont really give a shit. i'm just trying to make it through my 3rd deployment. on this day fapping isn't quite enough for me. i decide to spice things up a bit and try something new. laying on my rack with me is a tube of icyhot. this is where i fucked up.
i put a massive amount of it into my hand and start going at it. at this point i should mention that when i fap i edge (getting as close to cumming witbout actually cumming). so my fap sessions typically last between 20-45 minutes. about 20 minutes in i start to experience some severe discomfort from the icyhot. i still have to finish, so i start fapping as hard as i possibly can to try and get it over with so i can wash that shit off.
well, i'm not sure how many of you have tried fapping when they're in pain, but it's extremely hard to finish. i keep fappkng as hard as i can, but due to the pain my dick is half limp at best. probably 35-45 minutes later i blow my load into my happy sock. i am in agony at this point. i put my boxers up, throw on a white tshirt, grab my shower kit and make a break for the showers.
i probably looked akward as fuck and reaked of icyhot as i made my way through the maze of the birthing, stairwells and hallways. i get ibto the shower and turn on the water. this causes a pain that i had not felt since i broke my wrist. it's excruciating. the worst part is, it wont wash off.
i had effectively been rubbing that shit into my dick for over half and hour and it was deep beneath the surface of the skin. at this point i am undoubtedly and uncontrolably making grunts of agony in a bathroom full of men. naturally they are curious as so whats going on in my shower stall.
i hear grownmen giggling like school girls and peaking into my shower. it was humiliating, but i was in too much pain to care. eventually someone asked wtf was going on in there, so i told them. thats when those school girls stared cackeling like a pack of hyenias. it was a bit humiliating, but at least i learned a life long lesson. never use icyhot as lube.
|
i got lonely on deployment and used icyhot as lube. it was a journey into the 7 layers of hell.
|
being in the navy
|
Title:being in the navy
TLDR:
|
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] |
this is a throwaway since this story is far too embarrassing for someone to find out the true identity of the person behind the story.
once upon a time, my so and i were talking about new ideas in the bedroom, which ended up leading to the scary 'a', which already sounded deadly even before the story started.
we begin to search the room for lube, but the cupboards are bare and we have to resort to a household alternative. checking the labels of items across the room we come across a label which says **cocoa** **butter**
what happens next is the awkwardest moment of my life, once thing leads to another and once we've finished having normal boring sex, we switch it up a little, grab the cocoa butter off the shelf and use it to our advantage.
after using a reasonable amount of cocoa butter we proceed to start trying this new *unusual* thing that we both haven't tried before.
**knock** **knock**
it's her mum at the door so we stop immediately but what happens next was never expected. so unwillingly decided to let rip, a let out a silent but **deadly** fart.
her mother asks the question "what's that smell?" and proceeds to look around the room for this unique fragrance. after continually searching the room but finding nothing, she gives up and leaves the room as confused as she entered it.
op decided this was a good moment to head home but as he was going out the door, he could still smell the fragrance of *love*, and was scared to face the awkwardness he would have to endure every time he saw cocoa butter, coco pops, coconuts or coco pops.
|
so wants to try something new, so op agrees but is later cursed by the cocoa gods.
|
using cocoa butter [nsfw]
|
Title:using cocoa butter [nsfw]
TLDR:
|
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] |
the guy was really quick and had been giving me trouble all game, he was the best player on the other team so i had a hard job against him.
about 70 minutes into the game and we were winning 2-0,he was running down the wing with the ball, i saw the perfect opportunity to shoulder barge him and make him go flying.
unfortunately i hadn't planned it very well, he did indeed go flying, he didn't get injured or anything but it took him by surprise i think.
so i was still running at full speed and i'd turned around to see where he had landed and i ran straight into the barriers at the side of the pitch which are meant to keep spectators away, flipped over them and skidded across the concrete path that spectators stood on, cracking open my head.
i've now just got back from the hospital with stitches in my head, but on the bright side we won the game.
|
; i tried to get my own back on someone and ended up in hospital
|
trying to get my own back at someone whilst playing football(soccer)
|
Title:trying to get my own back at someone whilst playing football(soccer)
TLDR:
|
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] |
recently i purchased a fitbit with the intent of losing weight for an upcoming vacation. i've been consistently going for walks everyday since my fitbit was delivered.
today i did a quick walk around the neighborhood during a lull in the snow storm. after the walk i relaxed in my room and had a nice round of hand to gland combat. after fighting the good fight, i went on my computer to check emails and such.
i eventually came to my fitbit dash board and checked on my stats for the day. it said that during my recent exercise i had walked 2 miles in 15 minutes. i knew that couldn't be possible. i thought that my new fitness watch was broken and was a little frustrated. i went out side and counted my steps as i walked. the watch counted every step perfectly and i felt even more confused. i went back inside to my computer and looked at the times again. i realized that the time of this spike in activity was recorded 20 minutes after i had gotten back from my walk. i went back through my history and it appears that this wasn't the first time. i also now realize that i'm not losing weight because i've been eating more to replace all the calories i've been "burning". i feel like a dummy.
|
masturbation makes you fat.
|
leaving my fitbit on
|
Title:leaving my fitbit on
TLDR:
|
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] |
this fu happened throughout a course of a few months. let's call this girl spongebob.
it was the beginning of school and spongebob joined as a new student. it was funny how i never realized she existed until the second week of school. when i saw her for the first time, she was beautiful, she was the type of girl who you would see about two or three times throughout your high school life. she was super popular, and everybody liked her, including me. i had a major crush on her. spongebob was liked by everyone, and she likes everyone back as a friend, as a really good friend. one day, i finally get her wechat (an app for texting) and i start texting her. it was quite awkward since we talk so little at school, but eventually we got along pretty well, at least in my point of view. i tell her about my past relationships and she tells me about hers, and i find out that she still hasnt got over her ex.
(a bit of backstory)
i studied in the school for a year before spongebob came, in the beginning of my school life here, i loved it, everything seemed awesome. but as soon as my first school year was going towards the end, i started to see things, seeing the "darker" side of the school life. so during the second year of school here (the year spongebob entered), i hated everything, except for spongebob, i wouldnt talk like the previous year, i would just sit quietly, listening to the teacher and sleep during recess or break, i would eventually start skipping lunch simply because i didnt want to sit with anyone.
anyways i start seeing that all the other boys seem to have a crush on her as well, and because i dont talk at all in school, spongebob is closer to every other guy, they would get really physically close to each other (im talking about all the guys), they would hug and everything. me, being the jealous type, gets even more depressed after seeing these things happen. sometimes i wonder if i should have stopped liking her because it was a bit painful. but i held on like a man (something i should not have done) and kept liking her. some time after the beginning of the school year, i got to sit next to spongebob for two classes, and i would always look forward to it. i still never talked to her for the first few times i sat next to her, but eventually i got the courage to do so. we eventually become quite friendly i suppose, joking around during class and laughing, it was awesome. skipping to december, right before the holidays, i got really depressed for some reason (i forgot why) and i didnt speak to anyone for the last 2 days, including spongebob. after the last day of school before the holidays, spongebob texted me why i was so depressed, it eventually somehow got to the point where i asked her out for new years eve and she said yes. somedays after the beginning of the holidays, i texted her asking if she was free that night, we went out on our first date, just walking around and eating, it ended pretty well but no kisses or anything. i asked her out one more time to a movie, and this is where things get bad. we watch the movie, and during the movie i would lean my head on her shoulder, she didnt do anything about it, so i assumed that she probably liked it. after the movie ended, i walked her home. we had to cross a road, so i instinctively held her hand and just didnt let go. she said man your hand is so cold, but she was smiling so again i assumed that she liked it, i replied by saying thats why i have to hold your hand (cheesy but smooth) anyways, i walk her home and she gives me a hug, and i give her a kiss on the forehead. i turn and walk home, jumping happily around the streets. i get home, text her about how great the date was, she texted back and she didnt seem like she didnt like me or anything.
i text my brother about it because we share our relationship problems and good times with each other. then i asked him if i should talk to spongebob about our feelings and whether i have to make it an official thing by asking her to be my girlfriend, he tells me that it snot necessary, i just have to be her boyfriend and things would work out fine. so being the less experienced one and a younger brother, i do what he says. i dont mention anything about bf gf sort of stuff to spongebob but i somehow feel that she is drifting away from me. she left the city for a few days so i stopped texting her. one day after she gets back i start calling her but she doesnt pick up, i left her a message and hope she calls back, but she doesnt. so i keep waiting and then she finally texts me after a day, i ask her whats wrong and if theres anything shes hiding from me, she got really mad because i kept asking her (my fault). i asked her what i could do to make up for it and she said to not text her so often anymore. so i dont, and after a few days, i texted her if she was still going out with me for new years eve, but she said she was busy so i got depressed, and it felt like she never liked me. anyways we get back to school, still assuming that she likes me, i try to get her attention whenever she walks by but she doesnt even look at me. eventually i text her and i finally ask whether she likes me or not, she tells me she doesnt, and that she likes her ex, it hit me hard, but i asked her about the kiss and the holding hands part on our second date, she told me that she just wanted to help me because i seemed so depressed in school and she stopped trying after. (i think she stopped trying because i kissed her on the forehead) but i asked her if we were still friends and apologized. she said yeah of course so i was kind of relieved. but the school days after would be really awkward, even though i started to get along with the other people in the grade, i still had to sit next to her for some classes. we wouldnt even talk, but i would secretly look at her by leaning back. sometimes i get to see the side of her face and i wouldnt be able to stop because shes so pretty. but i know i fucked up. i still have to bear with the other guys being super close with her... sometimes i try to comfort myself by telling myself that those guys wont stand a chance with her since she still likes her ex, but i guess thats just trying to hide myself from the reality, because there is really a chance that she told me that because she didnt want to talk to me anymore
|
i have a crush on a girl, depressed in school, she cares about me as a friend, goes out on date, i kiss her goodbye, relationship over, never talked again.
|
assuming that my crush likes me back
|
Title:assuming that my crush likes me back
TLDR:
|
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] |
so internet...
i have placed an ad on a popular website here in the uk (gumtree). the advert is for my car, the ad has been live on the website for 15 days now.. last night i was thinking to myself why haven't i got any calls or tbh.. anything lol. decide to check the ad and to make sure everything is correct.. this is where i realised the fu i did... the car's mileage has an extra comma.. thinking to myself "oh what's going on here" i look carefully at the mileage i see that there's extra an 0. so instead of reading "102,380" the ad has "1,023,800". i added extra 0 by accident.
car is on a million miles.. maybe this is why people haven't been trying to contact me and the car hasn't been sold yet
edit 1: spelling / grammar
|
posted an ad to sell car, fu by putting an extra 0 on the mileage section making people think it's done over a million miles!
|
realising my mistake
|
Title:realising my mistake
TLDR:
|
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] |
tifu by playing with molten tin in snow
this just happened 10 minutes ago.
i have a propane torch i played with outside and melted some snow outside our garage port and i decided to melt something more that just snow with it.
so i got this big chunk of maybe 50 grams of tin that i put on in jar lid and melted. the lid was surrounded by snow since it melted through the snow down to the ground.
so i decided to move the lid a bit to make it lay more even and not risking to tip over.
and now i really goofed, i accidentally tipped the lid too much so the tin poured down on the snow.
pop! and since i was crouching over the tin splattered right all over my face.
i feel incredibly stupid and my eyelid burns.
|
don't play with molten metal in wet/cold environments.
|
playing with molten tin in snow
|
Title:playing with molten tin in snow
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened a few days ago and i wasn't originally going to tell this story as i feel absolutely humiliated but i saw that someone else appears to have had the same sort of awful experience as i have so what the hell!
my girlfriend and i have been together for 3 and a half years so we've gotten past most of the awkward and possibly embarrassing moments that could be encountered in the sexual department by now. the past 6 months, she has been studying abroad as part of a university exchange program and this has been hard on our relationship in a couple of ways, one of these being the sexual department. i went out to visit her a bit but being expensive to do so, i had to befriend my hand like old times.
the exchange program finished towards the end of december but due to family staying at both of our houses over the christmas period, we didn't get a chance to have much alone time. the other night was the first time we had properly been alone in ages so we didn't waste any time getting down to it. because she isn't on the pill, we use condoms so i put one on and we got down to the deed. it was all going well and it was nice to have some close and intimate time together after so long apart but the large amount that i had to drink earlier in the night was beginning to catch up with me and just as we were entering penetration station, i really needed to piss.
well, not wanting to get uncomfortable, i decided to tell my girlfriend that i really needed to go to the toilet but she told me that i had 2 options; ruin the moment and relieve my bladder or to continue with what we were doing. not wanting to have to finish myself off in the toilet is what led to my downfall. i continued on and by now my dick was swelling due to the enormous amount of piss waiting to be set free and i was starting to worry so i picked up the pace. just as i felt i was going to finish, i realised that that sensation wasn't the one i thought it was. instead i watched as my girlfriends expression went from one of ecstacy to one of absolute disgust as she felt the warmth of my urine fill the condom and i desperately tried to stop myself and pull out without spilling any of it.
the rest of the night is a blur of rushing to the toilet to empty the piss-filled condom and apologising to my disgusted girlfriend. a few days on, she has seen the funny side of it but i don't think i'll ever live this down.
|
first time having sex with girlfriend in ages, needed to piss, didn't want to miss out on sex so ended up pissing inside her.
|
not going to the toilet (nsfw)
|
Title:not going to the toilet (nsfw)
TLDR:
|
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] |
just today i got back from a 15 day work trip that took me to australia, china, and japan and during which i ate the most exotic food i'll most likely ever try. some of the weird stuff i ate: kangaroo, pig knuckle, crab brain, fish liver, squid, beef tendon, oh and these tiny little fish with the heads and tails still on them that when you bite into them you find out that they're preggo and are filled with eggs. i actually enjoyed most of what i ate and the experiences were well worth some of the unsettling textures. though the pig knuckle was pretty damn gross in my opinion.
so i get back today, am kinda jet lagged so i just order a pizza from pizza hut. i was pretty hungry and took down 7 of the 8 slices. instantly this thing sat in my stomach like a brick. i'm too tired to deal so i take an ambien, try go to bed, and wait for it pass. well at midnight i wake up in a cold sweat and crazy nausea and it's pretty clear what i'm in for. i could just leave this story with the irony that i got food poisoning from freakin pizza hut after eating some of the weirdest food in my life from 3 different countries, but that wouldnt do my night's experience justice.
warning - this is about to get gross and graphic. so much so that i wouldnt blame you if you stopped reading right here.
ok, so anyone that's taken ambien knows some weird things can happen if you take the pill then stay up instead of going to bed. mild hallucinations, memory loss... i'm not in full on ambien walrus mode but i'm still in a pretty strange state when all this is going down.
i go to the bathroom and run a bath to help with the cold sweats and relax my body aches after i puke. while the bath runs i realize i kinda have to poop. but only kinda. and here's my big mistake. i sit on the throne and try to force it all out. well i dunno what the hell happened but right when i think i'm done my sphincter clenches like a vice grip and there's this enormous pain right near my asshole. i have no idea whats causing it but it feels like a piece of poo got stuck in the pipes, just above and around the corner from my b-hole. the pain is constant and fucking sucks and all i can think is 'i need to get this out'. i push and push and push, while trying to hold back from puking, but nothings happening.... in my infinite wisdom i think maybe the hot water will help so i get up, stand in the bath, and sit on my heels so that only my asshole kisses the warm water. im now trying to poop in the tub -- what. the. hell. im pretty sure i would never do this in a clear state of mind but anyway, here we are. i start pushing again and the pain is wretched. this is when i get another grand idea. i'm gonna fish this bitch out myself. i go get lube, coat my finger, and stick 'er up there to dig around. i have a solid what the fuck am i doing?! moment before, wait, yes! that's it! ok...maybe this will pay off! then, right as it's about to plop it out the vomit train comes roaring full steam ahead and theres not a goddamn thing i can do about it.
i projectile vomited everywhere in the bath so now there's both puke and shit in the water and i still have a finger up my ass. when i think it cant get any worse i lose my balance and fall whole body into this putrid mixture. during my fall i scratched the inside of my large intestine and now the acidity of the puke water is burning my insides.
well, at this point i realized i'd lost. humiliated and utterly defeated i got up and washed my butt and the rest me off as best i could in the sink and just crawled back into bed.
man, fuck you pizza hut. fuck you.
|
i got food poisoning from pizza hut and ended up in a shit and vomit bath stew with a finger up my ass.
|
ordering a pizza hut pizza
|
Title:ordering a pizza hut pizza
TLDR:
|
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] |
so.... its my birthday.. this all just happened. got home at around 2am from a bar, didnt manage to bring home a nice lady and its my bday... got home took a shower and peed out my alchohol. got really horny and opened up backpage. i see this post with a super hot chick, amazing breasts and honestly a 10 in my book, maybe a 8-9 face but whatever.
so i call the number and the girl says 200 donation for an hour and i agree, she says she will see me in 30. 40 minutes go by and i call asking whats up, she responds "be there in 2".... 1 more hour goes by (now waiting 1:40) and im already completely sober, not horny anymore and completely regretting doing this. i call back saying lets just cancel and she says shes down the street.
so a car pulls up and in walks a girl thats not at allllllllll the girl in the pic.... now i have done this before and the escorts are at least the same skin tone... so i invite the girl in and tell her im kind of pissed and she assures me she will take care of me. 1 hour will be 1 hour and i have nothing to worry about she says... i now hand her the cash...
she comes into my room and tells me she gives massages for 200 and anything else is more.
(she fucking could have said that before i gave her cash!)
now im pissed off. put my clothes back on, just a shirt and jacket..
i tell her to take 40 and give me back 160, sorry for the inconvenience but im not into it and already falling asleep after waiting so long.
she calls her boss and starts fucking crying in my room.. her boss gets mad at me and the girl leaves with my 200$.....
so now im out 200 and i didnt get anything.... and her boss thinks im a racist pig.... worst night ever, and its my bday. fml
dont order escorts in america.... this is bullshit. they suck.........
fuckkkkkkk
|
ordered an escort off backpage, turned out to be completely different person, i threw a little shitfit, escort left with my money after 5 minutes. her boss thinks im a racist pig. fml
|
ordering an escort from backpage.... now im out 200 dollars....
|
Title:ordering an escort from backpage.... now im out 200 dollars....
TLDR:
|
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] |
alright so this literally happened about 15 minutes ago.
so i live in an apartment with 3 other guys. normally we all had our computers and game systems set up in the living room. but recently we decided to move all of our electronics to our respective rooms. tbh i have the nicest computer, and keep my bitchin bachelor pad of a bedroom clean, most of the time everyone chills in my room.
well today was just one of those days were a man needed to just sit down and relieve some stress. so i sit down in my desk chair, pull my trash can out from under my desk, and got to work.
about 15 minutes later i start to clean up and i left my door open to walk to the bathroom. i come back to one of my roommates sitting at my desk pulling up a youtube video to show me. no big deal, i had disposed of all evidence.. right?
about half way through the video i noticed my lube was still sitting next to the chair. "fuck fuck fuck!" i thought to myself while trying to slowly reach my leg under the chair to roll in under the bed. boink! mission success! lube is out of site and my roommate didn't notice.
as i look up at him i notice he's looking at the trashcan i didn't slide back under the desk. "you shouldn't leave these banana peels in the trash can in your room it will start to smell-" this is the moment he picked up the banana peel and immediately dropped it and froze stiff.
he turned and looked me right in the eye with the most horrified look on his face while holding out his hand.
i looked down and his hand was covered, and i mean smothered in my funky spunk. without changing expressions he dashed to the bathroom and slammed the door.
this is where i closed and locked my door, and just sat back and thought. "well i ruined a friendship today, but reddit may get a kick out of it." fml.
update: roommate now thinks i'm sexually attracted to bananas. roommate also is unaware that one of his darkest secrets is nearly at the top page of tifu. (which he reads often)
|
spanked my noodle into a trashcan containing a banana peel, roommate picked up the, now covered in liquid man love, banana peel and was instantly mortified.
|
feverishly masturbating on a banana peel.
|
Title:feverishly masturbating on a banana peel.
TLDR:
|
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okay, so a bit of a recap here before i catch you up to speed with what happened. if you followed [my first post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2uadre/tifu_by_having_a_party_at_my_dads_house/), you'll know i invited a few college friends over to my dad's house last weekend while he's out of town with his girlfriend, allison. scroll down a bit for the update.
so, my dad has a big house with a pool and everything about an hour away from my college. i invited a few of my friends and some girls (one of whom i'm desperately trying to get with: rebecca) and we loaded up our cars and took off for my dad's.
we get to my dad's, i invite some other friends who live in the area and we have a blast. as the party rages on, i go to find rebecca. i get pointed to the rec room where i walk in on one of my old highschool friends going down on her on the pool table. they apologize and i'm now dejected, but i send them to my bed room anyway for a little more privacy.
i saunter back up to where my friends have a dj friend set up in the living room. we party a little more then decide it's time to pass out. i throw some blankets on the couch for my friends to fight over and i start to head up to the guest bedroom when i hear keys fumbling at the door. i freeze like a deer caught in headlights. the door finally opens and it's my dad's girlfriend allison wearing a tight black dress and standing there almost as shocked as i was. i ask her what she's doing here instead of being on the trip with my dad and she gives me a story about how they had another fight and she stayed behind and went out with her friends. she reeks of booze.
she turns the story onto me and why there's a bunch of people in her house. i lead into the story, adding how i was trying to get with a girl from school and how i found her with one of my friends in the rec room. she gives a disgusted look when i mention the pool table and i let her know that i how i sent them up to my bedroom for privacy. allison tells me we'll talk about it in the morning and she's going to grab me some stuff to set up the bed in the guest bedroom.
she leads me upstairs, throws a bunch of blankets on the guest bed, and wishes me goodnight. i hit the bed like a ton of bricks until i get woken up minutes later by a knocking sound. i look up to see a shadow standing in the door. it's allison. she laughs and tells me how there is a couple passed out in her bed, completely naked. she asks if it's alright if she crashes in this room and i say yes. i begin to round up a couple blankets to sleep on the floor, but she stops me and tells me it's fine if we sleep on the bed together.
we lay in silence for a bit until allison starts telling a story about parties she used to have when she was my age. she's only got 10 years or so on me, but i let her reminisce. she goes silent for a while and i feel her hand slide up on my thigh. it inches closer until she starts rubbing me. i definitely don't stop her; i'm still slightly buzzed and still turned on from when i was trying to get with rebecca. she slides her hand into my boxers where she rubs me a little more. after a few minutes, or maybe until she thinks i'm hard enough (i've been rock hard for minutes already) she dives under the covers and starts on me with her tongue. our exchange continues without sound until i put my hands on her head. she starts moaning and making quite enjoyable sounds. i tell her i'm going to finish and she holds her mouth on me until i do. she thanks me and i pass out.
i get up in a hurry the next morning without waking allison and gather up my friends, most of whom are already downstairs. i tell them allison says she'll handle the mess and that we should all go for breakfast. no one knows i did anything with her. i take off back to school where the past week has been torturous. she contacted me earlier in the week telling me she is coming to visit with me and talk about what happened. she cancelled twice this week before making plans to come down saturday afternoon. by this time my dad is back from his trip, but allison tells him she is going to spend the day with her mother. i spoke to him earlier saturday and he tells me exactly that.
update:
allison came over early saturday evening. my roommate wasn't home, so i didn't have to hide anything from him, but there was nothing to hide with this conversation. it was a really casual conversation with no mention of what happened last weekend. she tells me she thinks we should do some bonding and asks me if i had plans later in the evening. i tell her i have plans to go out with some friends, but she asks me if i can cancel on them. i ask her what she has in mind and she says she wants to go for dinner. she says this will be a chance for us to "talk". i tell her i can cancel and she thanks me. she tells me she'll meet me back here in a couple hours as she has to run some errands in town.
i text my friends to cancel my plans to come out with them. i make up some story about being too hung over from drinking with my roommate the night before. at this point i'm not really sure what to expect with allison. it felt like she was just trying to ignore what happened.
i lounge around for a bit and get ready for the evening. i throw on a button shirt and some nice jeans and wait for allison to come over. she arrives in a cab and tells me to get in. i step into the cab and she is wearing a similar black dress to the one she wore the eventful night last weekend. after a few minutes we arrive at a semi nice restaurant/bar. we order a few appetizers and she orders us a bottle of wine. she keeps the conversation pretty casual until we finish the second bottle. she blurts out that she's sorry about what happened, but it was like being young again. i remind her that i would never consider her old and she smiles at me. as we start on the third bottle she says it will never happen again and to not tell me dad. i'm still confused at this point and ask why should would do that to her boyfriend's son. i'm kind of turned off when she tells me she's attracted to a younger, sexier version of my dad.
she then tells me how i'm a lot different than him and she actually finds me more attractive and in a completely different way. she tells me how she did have fun on that night with me. "i didn't even do anything to you though!" i blurt out. she just smiles and slides closer to me. she takes a sip of wine and slides her hand onto my thigh. i feel like a yoyo being turned off and then on in so short a time span. we continue our dinner and more wine until she asks for the bill. i try to give her money, but she refuses and pays for it all herself. she asks the waiter to call a taxi and she gets up to head outside. i follow her and we head out the door. as soon as we reach the cool outside air she whips around and starts kissing me. i don't stop her and return the kisses. she pushes me backwards where she pins me back against the restaurant wall where she furiously makes out with me.
the cab arrives and she takes my hand and we get in. she tells him to head a certain hotel and i don't say a thing; i'm just along for the ride. we're going to bang. i hope so. i'm really horny at this point. we get into the hotel lobby and i start heading to the check in, but she pulls out her purse and tells me she already has a room here. we head up to the room where we do the deed and fuck it was amazing. we go for a couple rounds and i head out to the balcony to light up a cigarette. my phone has three missed calls on it from my dad and text asking if i know where allison is. i panic. i run back into the hotel room grab my stuff and get the fuck out. she barely has a chance to say anything before i get out. i dash out of the hotel and half run/walk back to my house. i dash inside ignoring my roommate and lock myself in my room where i've been for the past few hours. i haven't replied to my dad or anyone and keep letting allison's calls go to voicemail. i'm really at a loss for what to do. i know i should just speak to allison about it, but i don't really want to be involved with this anymore.
it just feels so much more real now. i'm going to bed.
edit:
update 2
allison came over late last night. she knocked loud as hell on the door waking me and my roommate. i told him it was a family emergency and went outside with her. she told me we can't say anything about this to my dad. i asked her why i shouldn't and she said what we had was special. i told her she cheated on my dad with me and that i may be forgiven some day but she won't be. she tells me it doesn't have to come to that and that she's already put the wheels in motion. i ask her what she means and she just smiles at me. she starts rubbing me and asks if she can come inside. i tell her no. she tries to persuade me by going down on her knees, but i pull her back up. i tell her we can talk later on sunday and that i have plans to watch the superbowl at a bar with friends and that i am not ditching them this time. she agrees and gives me a long passionate kiss before she leaves. i went back to bed a woke up this morning to my phone ringing again. i answer it and it's my dad. he asks me if i want to come watch the game with him, but i tell him i have plans. he then tells me how allison left him a note saying how they should see other people temporarily. i nearly drop the phone. i don't know what to say back to him. i muster out a few more works just agreeing with what he says but by now i'm hardly listening. the call ends and i slump into a chair. i feel so weird right now.
update 3
well fuck. the patriots lost and thats just shitty.
|
threw a party at my dad's house. dad's girlfriend blew me. i freaked out. we banged at a hotel. my dad texted me about her and now i'm really freaking out.
|
having a party at my dad's house
|
Title:having a party at my dad's house
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i worked as a contractor for a prominent wireless company. on my 6th straight of working 12 hour shifts. (yes they force everyone to work one of 2 shifts. either 6 am - 6 pm or 6 pm - 6 am and rotate every quarter or 3 months with only three 15 min breaks). so i'm working day shift like i said my 6th out of 7th day. due to possible outages arising from winter weather on east coast. i'm like sure i could use some extra money. i'm still relatively new about 3 months in at job just starting to feel comfortable for only having 3 days of training and the rest on the job. cell site technicians call in to check into a cell site if they are doing maintenance. due to network lock down they have to have a work order or a ticket number. so right before my last 15 min break to eat the last half of my sub when a call comes in and the tech want to lock down a site. i get the cell id i put it into the program and i get all the information. now this particular system is pretty stupid because when you first log in it's usually on an entire market instead of 1 site or no sites. then you use the find menu and put in a few different numbers for the cell site you want to log into to lock down. so i enter the numbers in over and over and it changes from the last site i was on to what looks like a bunch. the tech mentioned that there was 8 sectors he needed locked down and i see eight but just doesn't look right. so i look in the system and try to find any other numbers that might be the right ones. it changes to something similar but a little different. i keep going back and forth. trying different ones and tech is getting impatient. my trainer rather guy i sat with for a few days trying to learn how to do the job while he's trying to work as many tickets as possible. yes real slave drivers. hey guys you've been working all night on an endless queue of tickets and you are in your 11th hour of your 12 hour day but lets push to get those last endless 100 tickets down. sorry venting a lil. anyway he's out sick and all the managers and other teams are gone so no one around to help. not wanting to look stupid in chat with other locations and everyone online in the company. i decide that the system was giving me the correct numbers and the one time i heard of don't touch it if looks like that but maybe once and looked different then what came up. that faded to the back of my mind 3 months later and 68 straight hours so far by that time. so i started locking down the eight things that i could see (each one of these 8 nodes apparently has at least 300 sites attached and each site directing traffic for thousands of customers.) right afterward i tell the tech it's locked down and end the call and then log out for break. i go and come back after 15 mins and everyone is back from their meeting and talking about an outage in the eastern market. i was like okay the storm finally came and caused an outage. well apparently it took them an hour to figure out that someone had done that. so for an hour no one could make a call in a few major cities. took them almost 24 hours to pull me into the firing office to say they will let me know by a certain day if they can trust me to be in front of a terminal with the power to take down that many sites just by logging into the market with little sleep during an 84 hour work week. i think this place almost the new china factories but in america. they didn't wait till monday few hours later contract terminated.
|
currently unemployed after mistaking market for a single cell site. which took down thousands of sites and impacted millions of customers. my bad.
|
taking down 2400 cell sites at once and my contract terminated from the company.
|
Title:taking down 2400 cell sites at once and my contract terminated from the company.
TLDR:
|
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] |
edit: i forgot to put "dying" at the end of the title. don't do drugs, kids.
this happened about 10 hours ago. i'm still trying to get warm and unfreeze my room..
so a little background: i've done magic mushrooms only one time, 3x smaller amount. that time trip was very light and there wasn't much to see. i'm 22 yo and i live with my parents, sister, brother, etc. in rural area. i'm living in a cold country and it's currently -15c outside, slightly snowy. also, sorry for my writing, english is not my first language and i'm energy-drained.
so i found out that everyone will be going to the capital city (not going to reveal my country), which is like 150km (~93 miles) away, so no one will be at home. i decide to take a day off from work and eat my leftover magic mushrooms, while watching some great, suitable movie. i woke up at 9am and everyone was gone already, so i get to it right away. i eated all my mushrooms, which is about 4g (dry), since last time eating 1.5g was boring. after i'm done eating (they're dusgusting), i decide to make some food and tea. after i'm done (~after 30-40 minutes), i can feel a coldness and "vibrations" inside me, so i realized shrooms are kicking in and it's a time to put on a movie (called enter the void). after watching the movie for 30 minutes, i suddenly realized that i'm in my room. all this time i was so much into the movie that i totally forgot about my real life, food, etc., so i pause to movie and burst into "giggling" for no reason, while taking the food plate closer to the desk. i suddenly heard a noises from the first floor of the house (my room is on the second floor). i walked in the hallway to hear them better and this is when i freaked out.
i heard someone downstairs, touching plastic bags, searching for something, etc.. i silently walked to my room and totally freaking out. i knew if someone finds me on the shrooms, they will kill me, kick me out, etc., so i knew i was fucked, because i was giggling all the time and walking like i'm drunk. i was trying to figure out what the fuck to do now, but i couldn't concentrate, because evrything was waving, computer fan noise sounded like waterfall, colors were so vivid, etc. so i close my eyes and try to figure out what to do - hide in my closet for rest of the trip? nope. hiding under my desk? nope. going to the sleep - they will wake me up. jumping out of my window ([one of these](http://www.roofwindowsonline.co.uk/ekmps/shops/rackham6/resources/design/fakro-side-hung-roof-window-2.jpg))? genius! forgetting that i should wear something warmer and take shoes, phone, etc., i rapidly open my window, pull myself out and slide down from the roof slowly, but i just couldn't "brake" and i accelerated over the snow very quickly. i expected to land on my feet, but nope, i landed like in one of those fail videos, face-planted the ground. i was shocked, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't make a noise, i was like half-paralysed, i thought my lungs have been crushed. i freaked out even more, i believed i'm dying and the hallucinations went crazy. grass looked like it's growing in time-lapse and i could see snowy crystals on them, sand looked like it's full of life and moving, but reminded me of some brown metal, sky and trees were waving, birds were glowing and leaving a long trail and i heard every single detail of the sound of the nature. i tried to close my eyes, but then i saw many weird, mytholocigal, "illuminatinal" faces flying right into my face and i couldn't keep my eyes closed for longer than 3 seconds. after (what felt like half an hour) 1 minute, i could breathe and talk again, so i rushed to the nearby bushes and hid in here.
i'm now hiding in bushes, in -15c, in my hoodie, trying to understand what the fuck just happened and why are they home. then i looked at the parking area and the car wasn't there. this is when i realized they can't be at home since they had ticket reservations for cinema about 11am (it's about 10-11am now), at the capital city. and no way they can be at home without a car. this is when i realized that it must have been my dog, playing with plastic bags again and having fun on it's own. i burst into laugh and slowly walk to my door to see if there's anyone. i didn't see nor hear anyone, so i tried to open the door.. locked. my thoughts started rushing thought my mind - "wait, i locked the door", "i didn't bring the key with me", "maybe the key is hidden somewhere? no", "god fucking dammit, shit fuck fuck fuck im fucked". i'm freezing out, shaking from cold, locked myself out of a house only in my hoodie, jeans and socks. call my friends? forgot the phone. walk over to the neighbours? too high. i just can't figure out what to do now. i knew i can't stay like this, i will die from freezing or will be sick for two weeks.
the only thing i could come up with is to go to the route and hitchhik cars to ask for a phone so i could call my friends to pick me up. i walk over to the route and try to hitchhik all bypassing cars, but no one stopped for like 10 minutes (i wonder why). after 10 minutes of waiting, one car stopped, he rolled down the windows and asked if i'm okay. i answered with yes and bursted into what sounded like retarded goat laughing. after about 10-15 seconds of laughing, there was a moment of silence so i broke it with (at this point i forgot about politeness) "give me your phone".. he answered with "you need help" and drove away. after another ~5 minutes if waiting, another car stopped, i tried to not laugh this time, but i giggled to myself all the time. he gave me his phone so i made a quick call to my friend to pick me up. at this point every inch of my body hurts, i feel like my fingers are freezed and i can't move them, my feets hurt like never before, etc.. my friend came and i explained to him (he has done shrooms too) what happened and he laughed at me for like 2 hours. we watched some movies and played games at his place till the time came i had to go home (since this is the time (21pm) everyone should arrive from capital city). he drove me home and i walked inside the house when my mother started yelling at me that i forgot to close my window and the whole house is cold, not even talking about my room.. i walked upstairs to my room and realized that the tea i had on my desk had slighty freezed, lcd monitor refresh rate was fucked up (image stayed on the screen far longer than it should), etc..
|
ate mushrooms, heard noises downstairs, thought my parents had came home, jumped out of my window in -15c in only my hoodie, jeans and socks, almost died from failed landing, figured out it was a dog who made the noises and no one is at home, figured out i have locked myself outside and can't get inside, hitchhiked for cars to make a call, later came back home to see my tea freezed on my desk.
|
eating magic mushrooms and almost
|
Title:eating magic mushrooms and almost
TLDR:
|
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] |
i was driving to my so's house when there was an unusually large amount of traffic during this one stretch of the highway. i finally get to the area where i see police lights, and there's about 7 sheriff vehicles parked along the shoulder, but i don't notice any city police or highway patrol, nor were there any civilian vehicles which i thought was pretty odd, and i'm thinking hmm must not be an accident i wonder what the fuck is going on. some time passes and i'm finally at the point in which i'm parallel to the main amount of police activity so i decide to look over because i'm curious as fuck. i really want to know what the fuck all this bullshit is about...and then i see it just laying on the ground uncovered, no tarp or nothing over it. there is a fucking body, a fucking dead human body lying in plain sight. clear bag around it's head. presumably dumped on the side of the fucking highway in what must have been broad daylight based on the fact that the body was still there and wasn't even fucking covered up. like that fucking teaches me to never rubberneck again.
|
saw a dead body, presumably from murder.
|
being curious
|
Title:being curious
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened some years ago. bit of back story. i'm on a shoestring budget holiday in fiji with my girlfriend with next to no money. so, i'm camped up on the beach on the coral coast which is completely illegal but i've never been one to worry about that sort of thing. after three day some local fijian guys walk up to us looking very confused and question what we are doing there. i told them 'we're camping, island styles'. they tell us the land belongs to the chief and we have to leave. i tell them no worries we'll move on. at this point invite us to the village to meet the chief and ask him if we can stay longer.
i'd heard that if your ever invited to a village it is polite to give something to the chief. when i first arrived in nadi i got duped into buying a 1kg bag of kava which is the powdered root of a pepper plant that makes your mouth, face, hands and pretty much all of you numb. so i reach into my back pack and present the chief with this bag of it. this instantly makes me mvp and we are guests of honour. we were golden from that point on.
the following day the chief invites me fishing. i hate fishing but what can i do but go. turns out fishing was just me standing on the edge of the reef in ankle deep water while he swims out past the break with a speargun returning to hand me fish to poke a bit of string through. no worries! i can do that. after bringing me half a dozen fish he comes back with a turtle and says 'hold this. don't let it escape' and then swims off leaving me with it. now, i'm not talking about your little pet turtle that you take to show n tell. this thing is a beast. it's head is almost as big as mine and it's looks like it borrowed its neck from the rock. it's alive but it has been shot through the skull and i can see its brain, there's no saving it. i'm gutted!! i never would have let him shoot it if i was with him. for this majestic titian of the sea to live such a long life and then get taken out like that just sucks. i know there is no saving it but i can't stand seeing it flapping around slowly dying at my feet. so i figure i need to be cruel to be kind and put it out of its misery. this is where i fucked up.
first i flip it onto its back so it can't crawl away or swim off. while it's upside down flapping its fins and gasping for air i case the area for something to finish it off with, a rock, a stick, big piece of coral ... anything. there's nothing and i'm 400 metres from shore so grabbing a log off the beach is out of the question. now to this day i don't know why but i came to the conclusion that the only thing i could do to finish it off quick was to strangle it. as the thought comes to me i close my eyes and tilt my head to the heavens thinking 'you've got to be fucking kidding me.' i take s few deep breaths as i commit to doing the deed. i stand over the poor thing and eye up the best point to strike. with one last breath i literally go in for the kill. with both hands firmly clenched on its throat i give it everything i've got. it's skin feels like three layers of tough leather. the fact that it can no longer draw a breath tells me i'm on the right track. about a minute into the death grip the absurdity of the whole situation hits me and ask myself "what ... the fuck .... are you doing?" but quickly remind myself that it's a mercy killing and i stay the course. hopefully no one reading this can relate to what it feels like to strangle another living creature for a solid two minutes but let me tell you, it's exhausting. also makes you feel like a bit of a murderer. as i approach the third minute the blatantly obvious dawns on me... sea turtles can hold their breath for fucking hours!! a fact i knew but failed to factor into my decision making before i started. i release my hold and we both spend the next minute getting our breath back. i ended up holding its head underwater. it drowned within a couple of minutes.
that evening in the main bure there was a massive feast which the whole village attended. i got to have the first mouthful of the sea meat dish the women prepared because .. wait for it ...i was the one who killed it (shakes head). i'd made it pretty clear i disapproved of it being shot but what's done is done. as i bring the first first spoonful to my mouth i say "sorry turtle", everyone laughed at me.
|
village chief left me with a dying giant sea turtle and i tried to put it out of its misery by strangling it to death.
|
going fishing with the village chief.
|
Title:going fishing with the village chief.
TLDR:
|
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] |
i just got a new macbook pro and i'm trying to get it to sync with my iphone. i wanted to get one of my raps from my macbook to the iphone so that i could record it in the studio. for some reason i couldn't get the two apple products to sync so i figured i might have a second icloud account. i signed out and quickly realized that a lot of the raps that i had written in the past two years were now gone. in addition, many of my contacts have disappeared, which left me with a lot of messages to numbers that i don't know by heart. the bad part is that on top of not being able to remember what my password is, i can't even remember what my icloud email address is
|
i was too lazy to copy a rap onto my iphone from my macbook pro and ended up losing raps from the past 2 years and over half of my contacts
|
signing out of icloud
|
Title:signing out of icloud
TLDR:
|
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] |
sorry guys if my formatting is a bit weird and what not. this is my very first reddit post but i'll do my best!
today was the day of my grandmothers 70th birthday, so we decided to go to a japanese steak house. while my mother, sister, aunt, cousin and grandmother were waiting for the lady to wait for an open table, i had been ogling at this 8/10 cuties face for quite a while. i wanted to just go up to her and strike up a conversation because why the hell not, i had just gotten out of a...not so idealistic relationship and felt like i needed to talk to other girls to get my ex off my mind (i'm a very lonely feeling person).
i had so many chances to just go up to her and sit next to her to strike up a conversation but was too much of a baby bitch to do so. to add on to my anxiety of doing so, she had 5 friends sitting all around her, talking to her. i didn't want to seem like a creep so i just sat there. ogling like the freak i am. well...i was caught red handed. she caught me staring at her and she gave me a shy smile and i returned the favor, both of us blushing in synochrity. felt pretty damn good but i was still too scared. this went on for a few more minutes till her friends caught on to this and to my knowledge, started to tell her to sit next to me and talk to me.
my fantasy has always been for a girl to just walk up to me and start talking to me and just have a good bond right off the bat (like i said, i'm a lonely creep). she blushed a few more times and mustered out from what i could barely hear was, "but he's really cute and probably has a girlfriend." my face lights up about the remark of my appearance. thankfully the restaurant was packed tightly to the brim and had plenty of time for an encounter to last a while.
take note, this is happening all within the course of 15 minutes, i was the only one in our party that was sitting outside.
anyways back to the story....she looked at me a few more times and to my amazement, she stood up and started walking, towards me!!11!! i was extremely excited but had the willpower to keep it to myself, she sits down on the bench next to me very shyly says, "hi" to me all while blushing a deep red.
(i know this post is getting long as is so i'll leave out small details that aren't important to my fuck up)
so after getting pass all of the basic, teenage questions of, "where do you to school, what grade are you in, how old are you, where are you from, yadda-yadda-yadda" we decide to leave the small talk and ask not extremely personal questions, but ones that kind of get to know the persons attributes. (don't worry, the fuck up is about to happen guys). she asks me, "so, on a scale of 1-10, how confident are you and what's one thing you do to show for it."
for what ever sick, fucked up reason i respond with...
"well, i'd say an 8...after i poop i don't check the toilet paper after wiping and just throw it in the trash, pull my pants up and clean my hands."
i immediately realized how fucked up and weird that sounded. i had been doing extremely well in keeping the conversation up with this girl despite me being an introverted and quiet kid and utterly fucked up all this progress in one fatal swoop of me being a complete fucking weirdo.
she stood up so fucking fast and walked back to her friends. her friends had been watching me this 8/10 girl talk and laugh together while they were doing the generic, "awe! that's so adorable, blah blah blah, #girlythings."
when she sat back down to her friends, her face, from what i could read was of utter disappointment and disgust. i felt absolutely terrible for her and possibly the most amount of regret for myself ever.
from what i could interpret, she told her friends about what happened because as soon as she was done talking, all i heard was the howling laughter and judgement, which i completely dissevered. i sank down on the bench so much and felt what could be tears welling up in my eyes. this is by far the biggest fuck up in my life ever.
after they were done laughing and glaring at me, the 8/10 girl hid behind her friends and i eventually got up and left, utterly shocked at what i have done. i walk back into the restaurant and see my cousin who was coming out to get me because a table had opened up. (i'm so sorry this is very long post, time to spare you off more details)
i sit down and my mom notices i look really sad and depressed and asks what's wrong. i tell her that i'm just not feeling to well. i have an amazing family and they all cheered me up to a point where i felt great, that is until i see the empty table about 20 feet from me being seated by you guess it, 8/10 and the giggle brigade. right before she sat down, she gave me the most embarrassed look i have ever seen and never made eye contact again, ever.
i had to sit down across from her for the longest 45 minutes ever in my life while her friends were periodically looking over at me and giggling and the 8/10 girl looking extremely disappointed.
never again in my life will i intentionally fuck up this hard again.
sorry this was such a long post and if you read it completely though, that means a whole lot to me (:
(if there's any mistakes in my post such as grammar or if the formatting is weird or anything wrong in general, let me know so i know how to be a better redditor) (:
edit: grammar mistakes.
update: thank you guys for your support and well, blatantly pointing out my fuck up again. and front page? thank you so much (:
edit: i meant to say the 'hot' section of this subreddit, not front page. oops.
update: so, just to clear things up about me putting the tp in the trash can...i used baby wipes because i horrible poopy butt syndrome... logic tells you not to flush baby wipes, but me being the baby bitch i am did it anyways because it has never failed on me before..until a month ago when i broke the toilet. now you can't even use regular toilet paper without the toilet killing it's self. i'm too lazy to go to my parent's bathroom to take a poo-poo so i just stuff the used toilet to the bottom of the bin and poor a little cologne on top to mask the smell....wasn't expecting people to freak this much out over a simple detail...
edit: spaced out the edit and update posts so it's easier on the eyes.
|
cute girl walks up to me and have a really good and long ice breaking conversation, i fuck up by telling her how confident i am after i've finished wiping off my ass.
|
telling a girl just how confident i am with myself.
|
Title:telling a girl just how confident i am with myself.
TLDR:
|
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] |
let me start by saying i was a very sheltered child, my parents thought i didn't know anything about sex or drugs.
so i saw a new music video called 'coco' by ot genesis, i thought it was hilarious and went to show my parents. they watched the video and asked me if i knew coco was drugs i said yes, they instantly flipped shit at me. they kept saying i was a drug dealer or i was taking drugs, i tried explaining that he was making a cake but they didn't take it
i'm now in my room and can't face them.
|
i showed parents coco they went loco
|
showing coco to my parents
|
Title:showing coco to my parents
TLDR:
|
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] |
surprisingly enough, this did happen tonight.
i live in north east texas, and around these parts we have an annoying species of rodent known as gophers. now these gophers aren't like the lovable gray-blue cartoon character from winnie the pooh; they are dirty (they live underground), ugly, brown, fat, and buck-toothed (insert your mom joke here). well my cat, sox, was seen attacking a random hole in the neighbor's yard early this afternoon, but my mother and i thought nothing of it as sox is kind of nuts.
fast forward to this evening, i hear my mother scream "sox! that's a rat! ahhhh! a rat is in the house!
i used to live in the dfw area, and around that area, there are real rats. imagine sewer rats in the movies, but texas sized. the "rat" now in my kitchen? no such thing.
anyways, after much laughing at my mom for freaking out over this thing, we get it outside and were feeling heroic for saving it from the evil (yet adorable) feline. as i'm coming back inside, i close the door, but it doesn't close. i check the rug, it's out of the way, so i close the door again. it didn't close. i open the door and look outside and...
apparently the gopher wanted back inside, and i was closing the door, i caught the poor thing's neck between the door and weather paneling like some type of blunt guillotine, breaking it's neck and killing it instantly.
|
cat brought home unwanted vermin. i decided to rescue said vermin from vicious kitten. end up smashing vermin's head in door way.
|
absentmindedly crushing a small rodent's head with my back door.
|
Title:absentmindedly crushing a small rodent's head with my back door.
TLDR:
|
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] |
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