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8,201
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Someone visiting Ireland sent me this photo of an ancient bog person. It looks just like me when I forget to moisturize.
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8,202
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"The ones that love us, never really leave us." - Harry Potter"
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8,203
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"This is the problem with getting attached to someone. When they leave you, you just feel lost." - Zombieland
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8,204
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Hope that gold ticket comes with extra leg room on the flight to Hollywood! Congrats Tyler Mitchell! American Idol
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8,205
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3 big lies. 1. I love you. 2. I'm fine. 3. That was my last piece of gum.
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8,206
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After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
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8,207
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Academics, how many hours are you actually working a week right now? High school / Middle School / Elementary School Teachers, how many hours are you actually working a week right now?
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8,208
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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy.
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8,209
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How many Jews does it take to change Hitler's mind? None, there has to be no Jews.
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8,210
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Genie: You have 3 wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Ok. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a...
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8,211
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A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes.
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8,212
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bitch can suck my dick in the dark for all I care....
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8,213
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"Oh, I still dream of a simple life. Boy meets girl, makes her his wife." - Bruno Mars.
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8,214
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Facebook statuses are much like people with Down Syndrome. They were fun to look at for a while but ultimately no use to anyone.
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8,215
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How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower? You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.
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8,216
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"But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other." - The Notebook
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8,217
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The only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you probably already knew. The one that's almost always right.
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8,218
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
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8,219
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Happy Valentines Day if you're celebrating, and Happy Friday if you couldn't care less. Today's a win-win.
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8,220
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Picking up where Sunday left off - Idol is on in 5 minutes! Tweet with me and judges using American Idol!
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8,221
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Idgaf what you say, pickles are delicious!
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8,222
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Christians read the Bible, Jews read the Torah, Muslims the Quran. Niggers? The Jungle Book.
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8,223
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"Lil' Levi's" gas station. A little shout out to my nephew. Love ya buddy.
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8,224
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Just walked into an Arby's and asked, 'What's fresh today?' The cashier pointed to her cold sore.
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8,225
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Tired of poems telling me how hard to go into that good night.
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8,226
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Rest in peace Karl Lagerfeld. A true fashion maestro and visionary who inspired many. The impact he made and the legacy he left will live on.
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8,227
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TODAY IS THE DAY! Please join us at 6 p.m. for the kick-off of a year-long civic engagement series feat. Dr. Mindy Fullilove!
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8,228
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What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
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8,229
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I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.
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8,230
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How can the older generation support young people that are now on the front lines? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
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8,231
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What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event? Cross country
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8,232
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Dallas Black people: please be Muslim please be Muslim please be Muslim. Muslim people: please be black please be black please be black
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8,233
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Why do Jews have big noses? Free air.
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8,234
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How many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mom.
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8,235
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"How do I look?" [friend] Fine. [good friend] Really pretty. [best friend] Horrible.
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8,236
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Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs.
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8,237
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Former Evangelicals, if you participated in a mission trip in the 2000s to "combat child trafficking," what did that look like?
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8,238
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People say I'm 'old' and 'out of touch' but guess who just got his first iPod shuffle?
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8,239
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Why don't Jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber
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8,240
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Ike just texted “Zendaya is Meechee!!” In a celebratory way and I approved
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8,241
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What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown
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8,242
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boss: we need ideas for this sesame street show writer: a blue monster that eats cookies writer: a trash-dwelling grouch named oscar new guy: a big fucking bird
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8,243
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Once, my parents walked in on me masturbating Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me.
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8,244
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If you can't fix the brakes on your car, make your horn louder.
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8,245
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Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it.
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8,246
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[first day in hell] satan: rule number one is no jokes me: and what is the policy on updog satan: you're going to burn forever guy in the back: wait what's updog everyone: pffff satan: holy shit no way
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8,247
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My wife and will always enjoy our time in Kansas City. I havent missed the town as much as during Chiefs parade day. I watched every second. If it wasn't the Packers, i was so happy for the Chiefs Kingdom. I hope y'all Run It Back!! ...and lose to Green Bay this year
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8,248
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I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years party... When you hear an arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
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8,249
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Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don't confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
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8,250
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I love you, not just for now, but for always, and I dream of the day that you'll take me in your arms again.' - Dear John
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8,251
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free *hug* to anyone who reads this
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8,252
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[friend] Hey dude. Washing your car? [me] Nope. I'm watering it to see if it grows.
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8,253
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What do you get if a post office burns down? Black mail.
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8,254
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They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it's not quite an emergency but you still need to vent. "Hello, Operator? Yeah, there's a bird on my car... No, I'm in the house, but I can see him through the window."
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8,255
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NYT says elevator 'door close' buttons don't work and are there to give a false sense of control. In a related story, my life has been a lie.
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8,256
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3 years ago I married my best friend... My girlfriend was angry but Dave and me thought it was hilarious.
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8,257
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The great catharsis of completing a task that has been on your to-do list for WEEKS! Do not underestimate it! I am ready to renovate a house and call my student loan servicer and submit by contact rebates!!!!!!
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8,258
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More precisely: I have allowed my mind to wander to that space a few times every week and have felt immediate nausea.
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8,259
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one green onion stalk contains 3 calories & no fat or protein. It contains 10% of the RDA of vitamin A and 9% of vitamin C
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8,260
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A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender.
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8,261
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My wife is like a plunger She's good at bringing up old shit.
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8,262
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Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn't know what group to join. She's still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former
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8,263
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I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
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8,264
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I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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8,265
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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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8,266
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Your body replaces about 1 billion cells every hour, antioxidants are a must if you want our body to stay healthy and young
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8,267
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So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
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8,268
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Why Did the Ebola Patient Cross the Road? Trick question. There are no roads in Africa.
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8,269
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"Son In Iraq I killed 15 people." Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
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8,270
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A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where there was a brother frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied, "No, I'm the chip monk".
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8,271
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I don't fear the enemy who may attack me, I fear the fake friend who will still hug me
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8,272
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What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons? Jose and Hoseb
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8,273
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What are some healthy ways to address anger, fear and other emotions that arise during difficult times?Auntie Red Tweet Tea
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8,274
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My girlfriend keeps telling all her friends I'm racist.. typical lying Mexican.
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8,275
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I tripped over my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.
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8,276
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I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong. He'll come round - eventually.
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8,277
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What's a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider
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8,278
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If I had a dollar every time someone called me a racist, a lot of black people would try to rob me
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8,279
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Dizzy after drinking coffee? You may have been just dehydrated because coffee is diuretic coffee
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8,280
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Okay it is Fall Fucking Soup Time, what is your favorite recipe so everyone can cocoon themselves in soup recipes for the next five months?
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8,281
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Just watched Casino tonight and I loved it! Is that interesting
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8,282
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You bring you into every new beginning in your life, so how different can it possibly be?
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8,283
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Ever noticed that all ghosts are White? Yeah, it looks like a good afterlife, doesn't it.
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8,284
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Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test and you learn the lessons.
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8,285
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What did Oprah say when she visited Harlem? "YOU get a father, and YOU get a father, and YOU get a father! Everybody gets a father!!!
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8,286
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shit. the number the girl at the Sprint store gave me is MY number
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8,287
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Don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aids.
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8,288
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"I ain't gonna cry no, and I won't beg you to stay. If you're determined to leave boy, I will not stand in your way." - Mariah Carey.
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8,289
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A Mexican , a black guy , an arab and A Jew Jump out of a plane....who wins? Society
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8,290
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Happy Fathers Day to all the amazing dads out there! We raise our best dad mugs to all the great things you do...including the dad jokes.
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8,291
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2 things you can learn in school: Texting without looking and teamwork on tests.
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8,292
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When a girl is acting like she doesn't care about you anymore, that's when she needs you the most.
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8,293
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I have never spoken to my Dad as much as I did last night. For the first time I felt I had a father.
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8,294
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I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I thought it would be confusing if we were both called Kevin.
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8,295
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Round 2 of Hollywood Week starts RIGHT NOW! Tonight we narrow it down to your Top 40 American Idol
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8,296
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What's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
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8,297
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'allow tea to steep for three to five minutes to bring out its catechins'
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8,298
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Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
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8,299
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Any fellow witches have a suggestion for what to do with the rest of the newt? Loving doing potions but I don't want to be wasteful.
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8,300
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What can a person do for you NOT to give them a second chance with you?
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